thoughts of the week

this dangerous cocktail of emotions inside me. i want to puke it all out.
i want to stick my head out above the water to breathe. to remember, to live.

yesterday was one very happy day. we had the bestest of time together and i returned home feeling so blessed and rich. and we didn't even do anything special, check out any good food. we just..were together. i wish i wouldn't allow distractions and lesser things to cloud my vision of life and judge the quality of the life i now live. because really, it is quite very fantastic. possibly the best its ever been. but yet i struggle with the lamentations, the bad attitudes and habits of the past. worst of all, the occasional bouts of heaviness that just leaves me so weary.

i want to be faithful too. to react with Grace and with Jesus when the heat is turned on. yet, its the stinking flesh that permeates my spirit. i find it inspiring to witness the lives of people who have stayed faithful throughout in the face of severe trials, unquestioningly, determinedly and steadfastly. everyone will transit out of the trial at some point- but with what? with grace or bitterness? hurt or hope?forgiveness or brokenness?

there is more ugliness in me than i thought was possible to inhabit a human spirit. but i take solance and refuge in Jesus. this is all i have and thankfully all i need.

i want to embark on a pilgramage of sorts. to clear the ears and eyes of my soul to gain new perspectives, to hear His whisper in the cool of the day again. and i'm realizing its no longer restricted to going on some personal retreat and isolating myself from everything i've known. this is a luxury i'm denied now but God is still gracious. it's being aware in the everyday of Him, seeing His invisible hand at work and trusting in His promises of old.

it's cliche and has been repeated to death but maybe it's really all that simple.

the cares of this life are many. distractions are plentiful..that steal my heart and soul and time away from the one who loves me the most. i can't cling on to these lesser things, these little deadweights add up and soon, i'm stuck. it's time to cut off these chains and run till i'm soaring again and let the wind take me. its a destiny at stake and i'm not available for compromise.

so many ruined have passed me by. so many who have lived but merely exist today. so many detours and u turns. so hard to stay on the right track. to be who He made me to be.

i love hanging out with people who are real. upfront about who they are, their struggles and pains. to let me know this is not stepford. that i'm not alone. i love it more when i see them triumph, in a world that is hostile to righteousness and justice and repels the name of Jesus. i love it. that even in deep persecutions, their glory remains unabated and sometimes, it's like i can just see the beautiful crown set aside for them at the end of their race.

and i want to be numbered among them.