Rs

Not reduce, reuse and recycle.
Regrets/rewind

the most painful word established in the english vocabulary.

Many times, i want to hit myself and wish very hard that i could just the time back by those few minutes to right the wrong and better that moment. but its all futile. that has never and will never materialized.

the trap to get me stuck in the 'if only's of life keeps me from advancing to the best and unlimited that the future offers. my best years are not behind me, neither is it now. its infront. i hope to still be saying this when i'm 70, 80. it'll always be ahead. never behind.

i might have done better in that moment on hindsight. but i'll never have the moment back. i can only seize the next one.

*
Revenge

i want to hit back and right my own wrongs done to me. and i know i have the claws like wolverine, hidden but mighty. i know i can scratch them alive and make them eat their words. i know my words can tear much down and i've been strugglign to bridle them. to let go of my rights and let God. to leave Him to be the judge and to absolve myself in this situation.

it goes against everything that i am. the one who will fight. i am now called to be meek and to submit my 'predicament' to Him even when injustice was done towards me. the only battle i am called to now is the battle against my flesh.

i can be antagonistic and ruthless. but i'm struggling not to be. because some time ago, i signed my life away to be His follower, bearing up the cross to walk the talk. now i have to love my enemies through the love shed abroad. and this year, i've been challenged endlessly to love the painfully unloveable even as they unrepentantly choose to sin against me. just as I have sinned against my God but have gained forgiveness.

now, all i really desire is grace to keep forgiving despite the unrelentless tide of offense. maybe they really don't know what they do. and i leave my interests in His palm, knowing somehow, all this will pan out for His glory and He will take care of me.(before i give up and take care of them.)

*
Respite

Bangkok provided a great respite for me from the bustle of life. i enjoyed being away, being uncontactable (somewhat) and being with my good friend, who painstakingly put up withmy messiness and tardiness when she suffers from an extreme form of obsessive compulsive disorder.

(so in the end she had to pack for me by sorting out my stuff properly while i was previously throwing and dumping and then attemptign to sit on luggage to close it). I appreciate the carefully and thoughtfully planned itinery that even gives us a 1 hr break and everything so so much and the patience when i said i'll nap 15 minutes but zonk out for like 1 hr and the bag shopping.

and the list goes on.

this trip also unveiled another thing. that i look very local and thai. it's not just the clothes (because i look sloppier than the street hawker) but that i just look thai. people actually express genuine surprise when i say i'm not thai.

this has to serve a purpose. besides being able to get better bargains because tourists usually get ripped off, maybe it'll help meto assimilate better during ministry/mission trips. but it'll take quite a miracle for me to remotely master the sing song thai language lah.

i'm thankful for it and i think i came back better. more ready to take the problems thrown head on. i think that if not for the break i might have really broken down emotionally,mentally and physically because of the sheer stress of everything. i want to go back one day. i see it. not just for teh shopping but i want to visit the slums with physical and spiritual provisions from heaven and reclaim some territory back for my Lord.

prepare for my return, thailand.