awesome journey

july 8th

this blog is a year old.
we are two years old. praise God.


its been a roller coaster and i've been yearning. for more of Him. it just never seems enough these days and i don't know where else to seek refuge in. but Hez been faithful and while i've come too close tolosing mymind onlytoo often, i know im bigger than that. my God and father is bigger than that. all that.

this week saw me going through emotional upheavals and very intimate sessions with Him. alot of the past was dug up, not just my past but my entire family's. and its basically a huge journey of discovery, abt myself and where i came from and my family. not just my immediate family but every uncle, aunty, cousin and even grandparents. i always wanted answers to the questions i had. i knew things were just not what they appeared to be on the surface and God has been faithful in unravelling the mysteries. now at least i know how to pray, and understand...abit more.

i still have many questions in my head that no mere mortal man can provide answers too. i'm still searching but i might need to let certain matters rest. maybe i'm not supposed to know.God kill the curiosity in me because there's no way i can find out. the answers were not be impt in anyway in my present or future but they pertain to a past that i no longer identify with and i just want the complete story. but i'll let God handle this. its beyond me and it'll wreck my mind and tear me apart if i continue on this elusive search. have since learnt that insisting on my way always leads to trouble. let His way triumph over mine...always.

been at hospitals alot more of late and its such a bleak sight of suffering and more suffering. i cant handle my emotions very well even if i'm barely related to the grieving ones. i literally choke back the tears and stand aside feeling helpless. i just want that touch that will part the sea for them and deliver the miracle they so hunger for but alas, i can only hope and believe with them. that God is still good. that He does not disappoint. that since we can't do anything, we'll patiently await Him.

somehow in the midst of all these, i'm more assured of His love and my standing in His heart more than ever. and its an awesome feeling and experience. to know that u're significant in the eyes of an almighty God who is watching upon an aching dying world slowly being enveloped by gross darkness. not many people know how siginificant they really are, me included, because we were never brought up to believe so. and when we're old enough to stepinto the world, our worth is measured by how we look, how we perform but never just..us.

He is also bringing the people that i love so much back into my life. and more to come. one is perenially lost. others resurface once every few years. i think if its anything, i have learnt to love people abit more (and more to come)....to let His love freely flow through me regardless of the history and hurts. its not always easy. sometimes the main difficulty is coaxing me to decrease and let Jesus increase but great things are in the works. of coz, there are others which i have to also learn to let go..all over again.

on a MUCH brighter note, my awesome savior prepared a wonderful wonderful day to commemorate the start of a love story He authored for me. and it was wonderful despite the glitches which only served to add humor and i am so grateful for it. we had a wonderful candlelight dinner after a day of celebrations. the food was good..ambience was perfect. truly. lights were supposed to be dim so that we can still see our food. until the blackout. hehe.den they played the wrong song ibelieve and the wedding march came out.i just burst out laughing.

oh well...love Him and him.
its an awesome journey.