thank God u're still here.

i've learnt over time not to talk it so hard whenever a friendship evaporates, fades into oblivion or just...in worse scenarios explode because of irreconcilable differences. this is nolonger just a term you see used to validate divorce papers.

i've gone from valuing every single person that strolls into my life to not even blinking when permanent residents (most, not all) leave. and i thought that was a good thing until i realise that i still care deeply.

but it darzen change the fact that theres nothing i can do abt the state of things. i realise i can't communicate with them because of the differences and because neither can compromise..thus is such. we just let loose and let go and well i guess these ex-friends mourn the me they used to have and i simply mourn the demise of the friendship that i've grown to even take for granted. until we realise that either conversations are awkward or that gosh..we get angry with each other all too easily. in one recent scenario, apparently one friend spent somuch time angry with me and i din even realise. well, they say ignorance is bliss....

i guess i'll just celebrate harder and cherish more the ones that God still graciously preserve for me. my heart will always have more than 2cm for these people (read previous post) and i can only hope its mutual.

one day, maybe one day i'll know what happened. because people either refuse to talk or tlak to much and refuse to listen....and because of these reasons, i'll never understand how i hurt them. and i can apologize alll i want but it'll never be enough anyway because they've revoked my citizenship in their hearts.

im way past sad. its not somethign i celebrate but i just cant bring myself to really truly mourn it. a little maybe and i wished things were different but its really not something i can have a say about.i just really wanto grab each and everyone of my precious friends tt i still have now and give them a bear hug.

and im so thankful for them. so thankful for isaac. so thankful for Jesus...that nothing can change these relationships.

my Lord accepts me and sought me out when i was down in the dumps on a one way ticket to hell. and even came to live in me just so we'll never be apart and in the process, suffer humiliation for i've too often unknowingly or wilfully shamed his name and dragged it down in the mud. i'm sorry but i cant imagine why he'd still choose to stay and not regret it. i feel sorry for those people who have judged me together with christianity, together with Jesus. i wish they'll just see Jesus and not see me. but i've got a long more way more to that and i'll be patient with myself in the meantime...

selah