why do i still love them?

i caught a glimpse of one tiny facet of the Father's love for us when i served in nursery today.

surrounded by bawling, screaming, puking, crying children. yes, i saw His love for me shine through even in the midst of all that saliva and yelling. i can't really put it into words for now except that its truly truly irrational and unconditional.

its day 2 of home-aloneness and i turned up at brightstar today kinda stoned with swollen eyes because i was bawling the previous night away. yes yes i am a huge crybaby. but its ok. Jesus loves me and sometimes i honestly wish with all my heart i can add on to that line and say "hmph, and He darzen love you!" and guffaw sinisterly but i know i can't say it. because He happens to live in me and sigh...i can't help but love you lor. whoever u are, if i really dun engage my mind.

that aside, yes i din and couldnt stay stoned for long because when the children arrive, we dun even haf time to pee and breathe. you can hear nothing but them, smell nothing but them, be numb to everything but them. u are on high-alert mode instead. not because of a coffee high but because, child A has a reputation of biting his classmates, child b likes to sit under the table, den get up and knock his head and scream the roof down, child C is tearing the art and craft displays off the wall..etc etc.

of coz you have to try to avert disaster and mediate between feuding toy snatchers while having one child perched on ur hip and another attached somehow to your leg. its not easy but it can be done and its classified by irrational behavior to a great number of pple who study behavior. (i used to be one of them when i majored in psychology). but love is above and beyond rationality. and i know this love is manifested supernaturally and partnered with supreme unmatchable grace to hold on for like 7 hrs before you call it a day. and den i'll just keep coming back for more.
and even when the infamous class tyrant graduates out of my class, i feel kinda sad and a tinge of melancholy.

nothing close to rational at all. but its ok. sometimes if you try to look for a reason to justify every act, your life is essentially, ironically meaningless coz thats really all that can sustain you.
there is no checklist to tick against when it comes to love. phew