revelation

i starting to see the picture. i might actually pass and NOT fail module my personal relationships #1001.

recently i've been just questioning just about everything abt my personal relationships with people.and its more than depressing. when it comes to this particular area, i am an utter failure all right. i have too many human expectations that no one can reach. and i honestly yearn for nothing but perfection. and by perfection it simply means...that everything goes my way. discreetly of coz...i give in sometimes. but otherwise, i really dun have it in me to compromise.

i have never been thought the fine art of relationships or relating to people in any moment of my 21 years. and the only reason why my close friends are still in myinner circle is because 1) sheergrace of God. 2) they dun have to live with me everyday. congratulations to them. they dunno what they really are spared from. i dunno either but i think its pretty close to hell on earth.

so recently, when i started inspecting these not too perfect areas in my life which matter so so much to me, i nearly just sat there and died. not good prognosis i see. not good at all. dismal. and its so sad to know that its people i love. icant be the least bothered if its pple i dun love. they can jolly well exit my life and i know this flippant attitude with people izznt all too good.but im not goin to digress and condemn myself there. its already condemned. at the cross..

but in the past few days its just nothing but pain. i feel like everything that i can enjoy out of any human relationship has just officially eroded away. everything is so wrong!and i dun think i was hallucinating. i examined all my relationships..from family to isaac and...honestly, its a harrowing sight. its too far from where i envisioned it to be. esp in the area of isaac, he hazznt been having it easy at all. and alot of it..is my fault. its hard to admit it but its so painful coming to terms with that. he once said that 'jesus is his joy and i am his happiness here on earth'. i think i've strayed so far from that. so far...

so yesterday the Lord delivered a word to me. thru supernatural means once again coz i was just stuck in a rut called confusion. He told me that everything that has been eroded away will be restored much more..QUICKLY. quickly is the key word here coz i'm not the most patient saint you have around. andHe said that He is rebuilding me. ok..i honestly scorned at this coz i thot He was tearing me down all over again but thats fine oso...i like it when Hez all in charge and i am nothing. i hate to be something although i honestly am so inclined to be try to be something. He is also restoring my joy coz im a sad morose creature these days.

so today...i asked HIm again. why allow these trials?He just toldme very gently and lovingly that its actualy the perfect season to allow me to go into this mode and allow Him in and ask myself these painful questions. imagine if this happened 10 years down when we're married with kids. wun it be even worse. now i see the big picture. how Hes building me up...intervening with areas that are so wrong abt me.about us. and restoring and i'm seeing Him as my all in all in this area. even this is so tempered with His grace and mercy and love. He is so involvedin every single area of my life. i can't make it without Him.and i dun wanto make it without him.

i have nothing to go on with but hope in Him alone.and if grace brought me here, it'll bring me all the way there.i have Him to lean on.phew.

thy mercy my God is the theme of my song
the joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue
thy free grace alone from the first to the last
hath won my affections and bound my soul fast

without thy sweet mercy i cld not live here
sin would reduce me to utter despair
but thru thy free gdness my spirits revived
and He that first made me still keeps me alive

thy mercy is more than a match for my heart
which wonders to feel its own hardness depart
dissolved by thy gdness, i fall to the ground
and weep for the praise of the mercy i found
great father of mercies, thy gdness i own
and the covenant love of thy crucified son
all praise to the spirit whose whisper divine
seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine