mgs

im so relieved!

love mgs finally concluded and well...praise God!

saw so many many people and classmates today and when i saw them, something inside me just broke. i felt the love of God towards them. of coz there were those few that i didnt like but even then, i was surprised i didnt feel a trace of animousity or whatsoever. must be Jesus. still didnt want to really talk to them but..at least im there whereby i can look at them and smile and that is something really. its somewhere that i nv thot i'd reach. i din even think i could bring myself to acknowledge them as people but hey..it happened. praise God.i know that most people prob wouldnt hv trouble with something so small and trivial but i really cant conceal any bit of dislike in me and considering i came from a place whereby my thoughts towards them were so violent and gory....which i can't even put here even if you guys are reading this entry with parental guidance(PG) or whatever..i still can't. some pple really activated my flesh bac then and it only takes God to really love them.

the experience of seeing all these people who used to matter so much in my life in good and bad ways right before my eyes after such long periods of absence again was overwhelming. i was the same old xinying to them all over again and although ican barely identify with that old me that is really now nothing but history....all those memories jsut flooded back all over again. there i saw myself as an insecure 14 year old in braces deep in envy of my friends who are so pretty and popular, as a 15 year old , plain confused and yah just blur. at 16, excited and naive and naive and naive and blur.

innocent, naive, gullible and blur. these few words sum up all about me in my adolescence. and my frens can so testify tothat. i miss those friendships but i dunno how in the world i can go back to where i was before and for them to be like how they were for us to enjoy those friendships agian. we're all such different people now and its impossible to just 'catch up'. its not possible and unfair to condense 5-6 years of our life experiences w/o each other into a few hrs and expect other pple to understand. i know some of my frens really wanto 'catch up' and they are truly interested and sincere coz we shared so much together before...and i know they love me too...but its just tooo difficult and that alone really saddens me.

i saw the girl who first brought me to church years ago when i was churchless..and i just love her so much. we fought in sec 3 and became friends again in sec 4 but now although we're still friends, the friendship is so 'diluted' as i watch the present girls today in groups giggling and teasing each other....i saw history replay itself. my history and oh my..i just miss all that so much and i really want my friends to come to know Jesus as He wants to be known to them. some of my friends have got 'loster' than they already were and i know how lost i was and how scary that felt.i just pray that God will give e the chance opportunity and favour to bring this precious friend to church and help her rediscover the savior that she once was so in love with.

it was in this school so many years ago that Jesus found me and that i started a relationship with Him and it is through some of these people that He extended His love to me. and it meansso much even till today.