documenting grace.

king david always turned to the lord no matter how bad the trouble was. even when the root cause of the trouble was wrought by him. only God could deliver and save and he had the best revelation of them all. that he could not save himself.

i clearly didn't have that revelation. i have no doubt only God alone could save me from hell but as i sojourn this earth and find myself in bottomless pits (not my stomach!) or valleys, i sought my own strength and devices to get 'through it'. i've tried everything from numbing myself by distractions to just willing myself in vain to get over it. nothing quite works until i allowed God to intervene.

it must be the greatest revelation of all. to know that God will always save His own no matter what. that He is faithful. that only He alone can truly save. i learnt that today and its liberating. nothing is too small for my God. even me. i'm not so insignifant that i can escape the eyes of God because He has converged all His love for me in me, on me. yes, the world is fighting wars from political, physical to spiritual and God cares about my little hurt. even when i don't dare to bring it to Him because i no longer know if its OK to do so. coz i'll be bringing not praise and offering to the throne but my little thorny bloody heart.

i thought that even if He is not sick of seeing me for the upteenth time with the same gift, i am. i thought one day, i'll bring something better. maybe that one day will come but for now this is all i have to give. and i give not because i love Him. not because its a wonderful gift but because He loves me and its horrid and He wants to take it away from me and give me something new, something better.

sometimes when i do know God in the rare moments like this when i'm slapped by His grace and kidnapped by His love i can't feel anything else, i really am shocked by Him. and how BIG all things about Him really are and how small i really am. but i'm not so small that His hand can't reach.

there is really nothing to balance grace, contrary to what i've been hearing. sure there are abusers of grace and i've been there when i get really mad because people really do abuse the liberty they've been given and seek pleasure in sin. but God's stance remains unchanged. grace is still shamlessly abundant even when sin is abundant. grace is still for the undeserving. grace is the open door for sinners to come home, for people who've failed time and again but still wanto come home. Jesus, being the personification of grace is the open door.

because i've walked through this door daily, i realised its never closed no matter what hour of the day it is. never mind that wars are raging and soccer fever is on. the operation hours of the throne room of God where rivers of healing flows remain the same. open to all, as usual.