Today I confided in a friend who is a new mom about pregnancy paranoia and fears. I've known her almost all my life (or as long as I can remember) and she does not have a disposition towards anxiety like I do and yet, she too experienced it.
I'm by no means comforted that she went through this but I'm somewhat relieved someone understands. Even though Isaac tries his best to be understanding, sometimes, I feel there's no way he can understand, sympathise or understand like my gas, whether or not they have been pregnant before. My pregnant gfs completely relate and the non pregnant ones somehow can imagine how terrifying it must be.
Apart from fears, I also realised I started griping on how disgusting and messy everything is and am semi panicky that the house will not be ready in time for the baby. I single handedly cleaned half of the kitchen. The other half is not so neatly packed into the cabinets to be shielded from view. I have half a mind to renovate it but the thought of the noise and mess scares me.
The rooms are in a horrible mess and I wish we had more storage and less stuff. I would love to play around with the furniture and have a good mind to do so but I can't lift/shift everything myself. The husband is so busy I dare not even stress him out. He's been surviving on very little sleep which might or might not prepare him for the crazy nights when the baby arrives but sometimes, when I am struck with worry, even for him and how he is coping with the job, I just feel like breaking down.
In short, I feel terribly insecure. I fear for his job stability and the heavy bond that comes with it because he might not be able to take it. with me not having a job and getting heavily pregnant pretty soon, I sometimes can' help but imagine the worst. The rational part of me says that there is absolutely no point worrying and I should just bite the bullet and go with it and let God take us through. He will anyway, like He always has but I'm scared like a Gideon.
Then I start thinking of what I would rather have as an ideal scenario instead and to be honest, I have none.
Then I start uttering small thanksgiving for everything we have now.
yes, the house is messy but at least we have the house which has almost tripled in value since we bought it for a steal.
Yes, it's not fancily renovated but prospective buyers like that they don't have to shell out a lot of cash just to hack everything that isn't up to their standards away. I faced that a lot when my parents were shopping for homes (every year) such that we have never lived in a non-new development all my life.
And we have a job. Yes, its a single income family with a heavy burden but I get the privilege of watching my child grow up, at least for a few years.
And, we still have savings. Not a lot but more than what we ever had despite the heavy expenses. (Apparently, even if I stop work, as long as I stop buying bags, NOT EVEN starving on makeup, we save).
We don't have the car but we have the luxury to cab anywhere and live in a convenient city right at the fringe of the city.
We have each other. We laugh so much even though we take turns to drive each other crazy.
We have a baby coming!
So yes, when I next get upset because my dining table is swarmed with stuff right after I clear it and guests are arriving, I will take a step back and look through this list again.
Philippians 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
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