Pregnancy jitters

I'm getting more nervous as the days go by.

Now, I can't even blame progesterone because I've been off it for two days. Moods are stabilizing but I've been stressed and clearly, sleepless.

The stress comes from finances and of course, the birth itself. I wonder if I'll succumb yet again to anxiety problems and need to be put on medication which would then interfere with breastfeeding. I really want to breastfeed despite the horror stories but it'd not be fair to inflict this upon the child.

Also, the c section. That can't be fun even though I've been reassured by so many who have gone through it that it really isn't a big deal. The thought of a surgeon slicing through layers of fat and then down to the uterus is enough to send me running in the other direction. I have crazy preposterous thoughts like, "what if he cut the baby?", "what if I bleed to death" etc. The list is endless.

When I get stressed these days, I can feel the muscles around my tummy tightening and I know how important it is to relax so as not to risk pre term labour. I feel so vulnerable and out of control of my own body. Previously, I had an arsenal of aid even though my anxiety isn't that great. I had medication on standby and I knew that if I fell, I fell alone. Now, the stakes are 10x higher.

There are still some 16 weeks (4 months) left.

I'm hoping that I'll get more answers and reassurances from the doctor this week when I visit for my scheduled check-ups.