Nobody really knows

I don't know how to put it into words too. 

I don't know how to ever tell anyone how hard this pregnancy has been and how I really don't have the courage to do it all over again. It is an incredibly lonely journey. I feel it won't be right for my first born and second because I'm not strong enough for it. Been to the edge so many times and back and suffice to say, I'm traumatized. 

I've really expanded all my resources just to get through everyday and I thank God for each day and try not to dwell on the difficult parts but it hardly gets easier. 

Baby N, I love you so much and I still feel inadequate to be your mum. I am weak and every day, I won't have the strength to get through if not for God who supplies grace and the will to soldier on for you. 

I hope I get better at this because you deserve the best.