Uncertainty and change

Though the last week has been great, I find myself grappling with crippling boredom and frustration again today.

I've been cooking and cleaning almost obsessively. I stepped out today and it still looks like the hall is a warzone. There are baby clothes now...New from opened packages. Then there's still so much to wash and put away. There are spaces to clean out for the helper, the child. A part of me wants to wait for the helper to do all the cleaning but I feel bad that she will step into this warzone.

I had a lunch appointment cancelled because of the mini storm we are having in my area. I also threw up a storm of another kind after taking my fish oil supplements so we decided, I better stay put. This was a huge bummer because I'm really in desperate need for human interaction. I find myself restless and cleaning even though my hand is strained when I'm alone. Or worse, having my thoughts wander to a galaxy far away. I wonder about life after and wonder how I'll cope having a helper. Somehow, ironically, it is an area of stress with the loss of privacy, potential friction etc.

I also wonder the most about the baby. I suffer from what I call pregnancy eating guilt and am always on a quest to eat nutritious food for the baby. Unfortunately, because of the haywire tastebuds, I often don't feel like eating and then get guilty about it. This guilt drives me to make my own meals where I have control on what goes into it but frankly, my cooking is less than stellar and I hate it so much!! (most of the time). It is also very tiring and I dread it so much sometimes. Imagine the washing up after a whole cooking session.

Most days are fine now but when I do get near anxiety attacks, I wonder if I should continue to get professional help especially in light of first-time mom stress. I get so scared at the prospect and worry about finances coz my earnings have gone from significant to zero. That alone is another area of stress...but I digress. I need to remind myself that the reasons behind that and most importantly, I didn't really have a choice back then and had to work out the best possible option for myself and the baby.

On that note, I really need to remind myself that :

-God is in control.
-God ordains the steps of a righteous man.

Will try to steal a nap and take advantage of the respite from the heat with this stormy weather.