Anxiety and pregnancy

I've always had problems dealing with anxiety but the problem has been dealt with, for quite sometime now...or so I thought.

It flared up nastily today and without access to anti-anxiety drugs, I was totally rendered helpless. My heartbeat surged by 20 over beats as I struggled with faint spells and breathlessness, wondering if I was going to faint alone, undiscovered.

It started because of my tenuous relationship with my in-laws. If I ever pass this trial, I strongly recommend that it be used for guidance for ALL pre-marital counselling courses, especially in an Asian context. These relationships are tricky as mothers worship sons and often villianize the daughter-in-law because she is the "other woman" who took the precious son away.

While it wasn't completely the case today, a snapshot of my relationship with my in-laws include, a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of name calling and criticism and me, going into depression and having anxiety episodes.

To make matters worse, I often get attacked in the aftermath of drawing strict boundaries by guilt. Matters exacerbate when your mother-in-law now suffers from cancer. I wondered if she'll die and I'll be left to regret for my petty actions (or non actions) forever.

Today, despite being a petite annoying but generally harmless creature, she gave me a full-blown panic attack and while that lasted only minutes, I felt like I fought a battle that lasted forever. It resulted in me hiding in my room with worrying thoughts that she'll break in and criticise the hell out of me. She drops by unannounced so I was completely caught off guard. I had no access out of the house to avoid her other than the main door so I hid there and within minutes, there were countless missed calls and texts which I thought was harassing. I dealt so badly with the situation with my mind going almost completely blank, except for the horrible paranoid thoughts and had a full on breakdown. Coughing and being pregnant doesn't help. It made me feel even more vulnerable and helpless.

One friend's advice is basically to avoid all drama. I'm still praying for help to draw boundaries respectfully without starting a world war while maintaining my sanity. Another friend advised me to think about the baby first no matter what. I used to be a lot more impulsive but now, I take a step back to ponder and consider. It hasn't reaped yet because...I have no solutions.

Deep down, I know this is only a prelude and the beginning chapter of what might be worse when the baby arrives and grandparents fight for baby's attention. Then, it'll be harder or I might be more seasoned, wise and composed.

I don't know. I wish I had answers. I wish someone would drop me advice but...for now, it's one step at a time. I still have to get rid of the cough and rest up.