Boundaries

When laundry is done, laundry bags somehow unravel themselves when not zipped properly.

This was the only thought I had when I tried to do laundry earlier, with the half-zipped bags that were put in before the cycle completely opened and its contents spilled out.

A parallel to life because when God washes me up, I come apart. It's a rough tumble of a ride somewhat akin to being in a tumbling washing machine but after that, I'm nice and clean, ready to be of use again.

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Pregnancy makes you even more fearful. I'm not the most optimistic person with a charged-up, ever ready faith. I fear and I stumble and now, my only assurance is that through it all, God will be there.

I face fear sometimes head-on or sometimes like a wuss and take my heart for a roller coaster ride. These get magnified during pregnancy when you realize it is not just about one but two. I feel responsible for him, a helpless foetus and I already suck at taking care of myself. Now, to take care of myself is to take care of him and there is no one without the other. Pregnancy makes me think twice about every action before making them and nothing is given over to impulse.

I made up my mind not to forget the trials and joys of pregnancy and will note them down, either privately or here (because we cannot count on the pregnancy brain to store everything). One day, when I look back, it'll seem like a piece of cake and I might be tempted to trivialize or dismiss the journey when it really was a forced journey of faith and another chapter of God's faithfulness.

This will also remind me to be empathetic and sympathetic towards other women and not just dismiss them but to be tender to them when they face similar fears. I've been at the rude end of people unintentionally or maliciously telling me horror stories repeatedly and have allowed these stories to breed fear and unrest in my own heart. It is horrible and I don't want it to be repeated in anyone else. As far as I am concerned, pregnancy bears a burden big enough on its own and doesn't require exceptional external input. Granted, some of these people are well meaning but they have put in very little thought into how unsettling and even tormenting it is for the soon-to-be mother.

I'm still in two minds about whether to 1) avoid them like plague or 2) draw and delineate clear boundaries with specific people. I guess it depends on 1) how they will take it and 2) whether I value the relationship or not. It is easier to write them off and avoid them like plague for the rest of the journey (or even longer) but some are too precious to lose. Yet, I dread their reactions because egos are bruised and intentions are put into the spotlight. In these cases, it might be the lack of sensitivity.

I recently very firmly told a friend to stop doing something that I dislike and she persisted. It took me awhile to even tell her firmly because it required courage. I knew she wouldn't take well to it. She did it again. I've learnt that when people choose not to respect you, you owe them nothing and while it is not a major loss to her, it impairs the friendship and you owe it to yourself than to put up with it needlessly.

This is not a one-off thing before I decided to speak about it in the hopes of bettering the relationship or at least keeping it status quo but an on-going thing.

Learning to draw boundaries might be painful but it is a responsibility one has towards oneself and important because...sanity is at stake. You can only please so many people and it isn't and shouldn't be one's life purpose. Abusive behaviour has to be cut off for both parties' sake.

I feel relieved and strangely proud when I stand up for myself. It is so much easier to stand up for other people and neglect thyself but when it is done, you know you're stronger and freer.