before i leave..

somehow it always happens.

i get all excited about a trip, i plan and plan and plan. den i get frustrated with the planning and coordinating and then i get excited again. den when the day approaches,i get really sorrowful coz isaacs not coming along. and when its the 'enter departure gate' moment, it gets even worse. i'll just be bawling. even though it is only..one week.

don't laugh at me. i really cannot not miss him. even if its going to be a whole week of fun with my cousin. i can't wait to come home already. sometimes right after i board the plane, i wish it'd take me straight home. back into his arms. but well, everytime it brings me to another continent. surprise surprise.

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i used to have to try so hard to conceal my endless weaknesses that i put on such a false strong front. and it really is painful coz behind the darth vadar mask, i'm coughing and messed up. literally. a bawling mess. i've always had this insecurity about being vulnerable and its a horrible complex that i've lived with since young. it was just wrong to cry, to bare your emotions. in primary school, i nv even shed a single tear in school. all through 6 years, no matter how afraid, upset i was.

then now i think theres a mighty restoration. coz i can't control my tear ducts and i cry so erm..easily. i flooded the cinema even before titanic sank. and its been truly embarassing but somehow although i often feel embarassed after the bout of freeflow tears, i feel so much more comfortable with myself and secure overall.

now i can truly revel in my weaknesses and still be confident that His strength will manifest. i can boast of His strength and trust in that alone which is a surer foundation than the minute vestige of my own strength that i try to hard to cling on to. thank God its a futile attempt.

grace is so amazing. it frees you to obey God. not to live licentiously according to the desires of the flesh. and it empowers you to such an extent by His strength that you can truly be yourself and not fear condemnation or rejection.