Jonah V.2

I think the Lord is telling me that I'm exactly where He wants me to be.

Been struggling with frustration and doubt and as I wrestle, I constantly get a sense that I'm right where I should be. To top it all off, today's devotional was talking about exactly that.

Maybe because I feel absolutely lonely at the workplace. This would sound almost preposterous considering the fact that I pretty much worked the last three years alone. All functions from marketing to packing goods were pretty much consolidated in one person, me. Now that I work as part of a team, I find it almost impossible to reconcile different styles, work ethics, personalities etc. I'm also not as good in my job function as I would like to be. My boss has been more than generous but that one mistake I made last week (partly induced by inertia) seems to relentlessly haunt me. As my worst critic, I refused to let it go and berated myself relentlessly. The long hours brought about by buying week and my colleagues' less than stellar warmth worsened how I felt. I have no idea why I'm so hard on myself when I've been pretty much let off the hook easily and it wasn't that big a mistake to begin with. Something is so badly wired within my psyche and it leaves so little room for error and simply being human. There are so many layers within me that still need healing. A ''Martha'' needs to be exorcised, an impossible standard that leaves no room to err must be revised and I just need to allow myself to be human, to be me. Deep down, maybe I still think that there is no excuse for my existence unless I touch the sky.

Needless to say, I really dread work at times (like the rest of you) and some days are just harder to trudge through as I burn out the wick of my minute strength. So when my colleague invited herself to church with me this weekend, I nearly did a double flip on the inside. Church and my homegroup was pretty much the last bastion of my sanity and my refuge and sanctuary from the week's madness. New to SG, she thought church might be a good place to start making friends. Most normal christians (myself included on a good day) would have jumped at the opportunity, motives not withstanding to invite any soul to hear the word of the Lord. Instead, I merely cringed and it took every iota of strength within me to oblige to bring her to church this week. I just could not bear the thought of not being able to vomit my woes from a work week freely in homegroup to my friends, having to be reminded of work even on the weekends and to put it simply, she isn't my favorite person in the world. I had trouble seeing her for 5 days a week. The thought of seeing her for 7 days a week and later on, a whole eternity made me balk.

In the shower just minutes ago, I was so ashamed of my own selfishness. I was so concerned about safeguarding my interests that I was willing to put a soul at stake. I clearly did not understand what hell is really like, what Jesus really came to die for and how huge a price He paid. I clearly didn't understand how great a wrath I've been delivered from and how great my salvation really is. Chastised, I am now asking God to sort this out within me because I still quake at that thought.

When I dreamt about building the church of God up in HK, a city God has put so close to my heart, I did not imagine that it would come in this form and shape. If I cannot even choose to love this one person inspite and despite, He certainly cannot entrust me with more. Moving there and participating in whatever church activity would be completely empty and meaningless if I cannot love the unlovable.

So this is my challenge and my test.

Somehow, I think I know that He will give me the grace to crucify me and let His purposes reign as long as I stay submitted and abide in Him.