Without going into too much detail, the work situation is just plain dismal. I am tempted to ingest the suggestions that this is a personal defeat and let despair set in but I'm strangely and supernaturally at peace now, undoubtedly held up by prayers of my faithful saints.
The worse case situation is that I lose the job. But really, "bad" and "worse" are all relative terms. I will not go hungry even with less to spend. My self-esteem might take a huge hit but I need to be mindful to not let it determine my self-worth. In the past few months, I have devoted too much mental resources in battling the toxic human relationships that today, I realized for the first time that even my strengths have been diluted to a lacklustre solution that I would have cried foul at. Most of the time after some conflict, because of my conflict averse nature, I find myself having great difficulty focusing at tasks at hand. I would need time to recover from the mental assault and try to stabilize my emotions in the midst of a racing heartbeat, choking feeling in my throat, chest tightness and giddy spells. Lately, these have escalated to headaches so bad my face hurts during headache episodes. Needless to say, my appetite and sleep has been adversely affected. I dreaded going to work everyday and not being able to do my work in peace with animosity shrouding the office.
I refused to be a quitter for a few reasons:
1) I wasn't sure if it was just me. Human relations have never been my strongest suit and I wanted victory in this area. I thought maybe someday I would be impervious and still supernaturally churned out stellar results despite having no team, no colleagues and plenty of daggers flying in my direction.
2)I hoped against hope that things would get better and people would just...change. Besides, 6 months wasn't a lifetime and too early to pass a verdict.
3)I didn't want to be labelled as a weakling. I abhorred that label and didn't want to appear spoilt and weak. I didn't realize that letting go required more courage and faith than hanging on.
4)We got too comfortable with the money. I wasn't ready to forego all that. Because of my rather international portfolio, they have generously remunerated me and despite being away from home from time to time, they have placed zero limits on my phone bill so I can keep in touch with family and placed me in very decent hotels and fly with very decent airlines and I so appreciate their generosity.
5)My notice period is a grand total of 3 months. It is unlikely that a prospective employer would wait so long for me which meant that I had to go without a job. There would be a loss of income. Also, I had planned and hoped that this job would be the job that would carry me through till I have my first child, which I hoped would be in about 2 years. I didn't want to start a new career and then head off to pop a baby too soon after.
Now, I'm taking the holidays to re-think if this is really worth it.
1)I have learnt a tremendous amount in this job and it has definitely upped my market-value especially with the international exposure. However, I have paid for it with long hours (2 weeks a month) , racked up a huge sleep debt and replaced my emotional well-being under the radar of ''uh oh''. While I do not mind the long hours as my health has generally improved after a whole year of better eating, sleeping and expensive supplements, I wonder if it is worth setting the clock back by selling them all to this job. I love the work itself but the people are pure toxic. At this rate, while I work towards planning for a family, my body might actually be set in reverse and not be ready for a baby. This way, I'm not being fair to both Isaac and my future baby (if any) because the baby would be subjected to my stress both physically and emotionally.
2)My portfolio seems to be ever-expanding while I grapple and struggle with the tasks in my EXISTING and ORIGINAL portfolio. No further remuneration offered as the company is financially in dire straits.
3)What will I do without a job? I'm plain lost. So might as well stay neck-deep in shit while I wait for directions to be spelled out in the sky for me.
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