Mount Merapi

I'm not happy.

But the real trouble is: I don't know what will make me happy or what is making me not happy.

In the last week, I've been Mount Merapi. For the uninitiated, it has erupted several times and caused untold damage, destruction and death. I've found myself impatient, snappy and just really glum. Food nor chocolate has provided any solace and the burden is crushing.

And I find myself fantasizing about a life that will never be mine. To live where there are no expectations of me, to live like I'm really free. Truth be told, the world is harsh enough but the harshest critic is yours truly.

Maybe with the prerogative of hindsight, I would do things differently. Maybe I should have left SG, wore my heart on my sleeve when I'm 20 and took a more lucrative course in uni. Maybe then I'll work to only fund my travels and not leave my footprints all around the world without really being awe-swept by their beauty because I'm really just there for meetings. Maybe be less uptight and just more..alive.