broken

i like to be read. not in the sense that you read my blog and i feel like endorphins are coursing through my veins.

i like it when my sentences can be finished, my reactions can be anticipated etc. i like it that someone knows me so well , it makes me feel less lone in this world.

**
things have changed.
previously when i get a new diary organizer, i first mark down all the birthdays i possibly remember. now, ijust mark down deadlines and various other schedules.

this year, the diary is filling up faster than i expected. everything at once.

**
i don't like to come undone in public and i thought i was holding up quite well. until your searing hands cradled my head. then my tears gushed own my face like a dam breaking. the release of emotions was liberating. but i don't know what i'm crying for. except that maybe You know my struggles. You know it all and that itself was very comforting alone already.

i suck at trying to be strong. and any front to be superwoman is a terrible disguise. i can do a lot less than i think i can and i am a lot less infact that all you all think i am. i don't cope well knowing i'm far away and connected only by a phone line, even though thankfully, i've been in the same timezone.

i don't cope well when i can't figure out how and when in life, work etc. i don't. and in those moments, i need your invisible but tangible presence to just help me take stock of things and hold me. to tell me that i'm not in charge, but You. to tell me that You are here when family and familiarity is miles away.

i'm still trapped within my youth and grandiose but unrealistic dreams to maximize my 20s but thinking that if i run at the speed of a bullet train and try as much as i can, i can sleep at night, and on my last day on earth with no regrets. but i still can't. i've gathered so much on my plate in the buffet of life and now i don't know what to do. at all. i'm vulnerable against the attacks of 'what ifs' and daunting thoughts that i might actuallybe the one to ruin it all.

you know thisis my crisis of confusion and i need you to help me sieve out the chaff and set my path straight again. all i want to do is hole up in bed and yet sleep is elusive and disturbed.

something happened to me somewhere along the way. i can't find me and i need you to help.