merry christmas

the parallels are so uncanny. life has a way of being unoriginal and replaying part of yesterday's scripts in today's scene.

i despise that. i want a fresh new reason to know why inspite of the different factors, the outcome is still the same. i don't want a recycled jumble of excuses to spell my verdict. i'm more than that and i've refuted the same reasons before.

it's finally christmas. christmas this year must be the hardest to reach ever. usually it just flies by and plops me there on christmas morning. this year, i trudged through mountains and crossed plains to reach here only to realise that when you take out of Christmas, which i did because i was so caught up with everything else, that it is really an empty meaningless excuse to be home.

i feel like my heart is worn out by weariness and i marvel at how i'm still here. my soul is so shredded by setbacks and empty words that i'm just ready to collapse and once again, take the first flight out at the earliest notice.

i'm tempted to blame me again but today i see another side of the picture. that not everything is about me, even the problems. and strangely inspite of the problems and the lack of resolution, i feel a deep relief that is just exhilarating. like i've been set free from an inner prison.

entertaining random thoughts to go and be God's lone-ranger warrior princess. the only claim i have to this island is now all but a pink identity card. a faded card. my ties are cut so loose i'm ready to fly. i'm all for flying but only with the purpose of finding somewhere to call home, take root and settle. not fly around aimlessly. i want meaning. i don't want this going around in circles of head any step more in this journey to nowhere. i want a destination. life might be about enjoying the journey but i need more than a pitstop. and if i can't find my way home, i want to make a home.

and home should be where i'm appreciated, celebrated and welcomed. i have a vague idea of what that is. i've had it.