21st december

21st december
this day holds a lot to me. nothing special or spectacular but many years ago, i decided that the sound of 'twenty first' goes well with the sound of 'december' on my tongue and decided to 'adopt' the day .

so, since 2000, i tried to make the day special for me. from planning parties that flopped big time to just having precious 'me' time or 'us' time, i always tried. I also take time to do a yearly inventory check on my life on this day. to me, this is the point in the roller-coaster ride that you hang vicariously on top before you roll downwards at superfast speed and end the ride. The ensuing 11 days before the year ends will fly by and i'll find myself at the start of the queue all over again, waiting to start a new ride.

this year i didn't expect it so spend it like this. for the uninitiated, i've had a week of MC. don't feel sorry for me because good came out of it. although i felt drained and its been said that theres not a hint of color in my face and i was literally gasping for breath, God had me. i was God's captive audience and He had my full attention. whether i was concious /unconcious, i pretty much spent it in bed. a short walk from room to kitchen left me quite breathless. apart from going to the doc's, i haven't been out of the house since sunday. today i tried to get some fresh air and sun..and i returned green in the face.

yes, 21st december. 2007 has brought me to places i've never been and could never imagine being. i don't know how and when exactly it happened but i found myself here and i'm thankful.i know 2008 holds so much more and i'm excited but scared that i'm not ready for it. that it'll be too much for me. i'll need so much more wisdom (from managing my time, relationships, money and health).i'll need to know so much more, learn even more at a faster rate and when the world is in a whirl, i gotta close my eyes and allow myself to be teleported to his heavenly throne to find grace in time of need.

this year, i've taken the plunge from heights i've never ventured and found myself soaring on His wings, taking me further into the sun. i've had my disappointments, pains and by God's grace moved on. i've allowed myself to die manytimes more than any other year, to my own ambitions, my own inhibitions and my own rights.

most of all i confronted the reality that i lived 24 years. and i'm ready to emerge from His quiver and head for the bull's eye. the sharpening has been painful and long but now i'm good to go. my heavy weights that tie me down to lesser things are dropped and i'm good to go.

last night i had a dream and i was young again, a sprightly (stupid) teenager again at the threshold of her life. i struggled again, laughed again, loved again, squealed again. then i woke up to being 24 and i realized that i can stop blaming me. that even though empowered with the prerogative of history, i couldn't stop myself from going through that journey and making those specific choices i often count as regret.

given that level of wisdom at that time, i did the best i could. maybe the journey was ordained- but this i can't verify until the last day. whatever it is, now i can heave a sigh of relief and be at peace with myself. coz i revisited the 'me' then, had a chance to do it all over again and didn't do it differently because apart from God, i just didn't know better.

i suspect God allowed that dream for me to reconcile with 'me'. so that i'll be less harsh on my foolishness and see that inspite and despite, He prevailed as the Saviour, master and nothing, not even my foolishness can interfere with His plan for my life