Remember me this way

i'm trying to figure out why and make sense of things.

So many obstacles hold a desire hostage. And i don't have what it takes to pay a ransom. It's a promise issn't it? so why.

Sometimes i don't know how i end up where i am. maybe it was a combination of impulse, guts and just a drive that spurs me on endlessly, i find myself thrusted strongly with directions and no destination in sight.

i just go on and on. and i refuse to stop either. it's either i take a different or i just keep going on until i arrive. what its decided is that i can never be a different me.

i'm tempted to take time, lock myself up and cry. but that's too much of an indulgence in the flesh that i can't afford. i love throwing pity parties that lead to nowhere but further into the pit of delusion.

thought about death in the light of the tragic accident in cambodia that claimed 5 lives. 5 promises. 5 ...

it's not morbid. it's sombreing. if life ended tmr, what legacy will i leave? how will you remember me? i've decided i'd rather fade into oblivion in any memory that be stalled in a hall of fame of 'insignificants, notorious, just plain loony'.

I'm thinking of possibilities and judging from various sources, this is probably how it'd go :

you'll remember me to be the one who made you insanely happy then made you insane.
you'll remember me as the friend, possibly the only friend you'll ever have who can eat as much as you.
you'll remember me as the friend who whines, has strange moodswings.
you'll remember me for breaking your heart.
you'll feel guilty at the thought of me. because you were a meano.
you'll remember me for not keeping a promise. that i forever let you down.
you'll remmeber me for a shared childhood of sleepovers, giggles and sharing secrets of various crushes.
you'll remember me for being the reclusive daughter.
you'll remember that i don't mince words. yes is yes, no is no.
you'll remember being embarassed by my 'antics' that i call behaviour programmed into my dna
you'll remember that i'm the least tech savvy person in this generation.
you'll remember my secrets. and seeing through my soul, led you to a land of both rainbows and darkness.
and you you you will go huh?who? at the mention of me.


and because of the above. so i've decided, i'd write my own epitaph, my own eulogy and nominate someone to read it. and never go dragon boating.