postponed, indelible.

i can almost see 2008. i promised myself to savour the last bits of 2007. i think i have to change that to savour the last weekends of 2007. at least unlike previous job, i don't have to work on weekends.

was telling the favourite colleague that i need a break and will probably take some leave to have some 'me' time in Jan. either just a breather to recharge or duck away for a quick holiday. don't ask me why i said 'duck away'. same reason why i call nutcases nutcrackers.

then over the course of the TWO ensuing days after the 'i need a break' comment, i have had emails/phonecall and various other miscelleneous stuff falling from god-knows-where and locking dates into my 2008 JANUARY calendar.

now, i can't find a decent empty pocket of time to take a break.

next break scheduled: march 2008.
**

as it is, i'm already anti-social and reclusive. lately, i've been reminded of many unpleasant 'people' experiences and i just suddenly want to retreat from civilization.

it's been said too often to not place your expectations of people but on God. coz He's the only one that can't fail you and don't be too surprised when people do. but who on this earth can simply have no expectations ?nothing minimal?

i'm guilty of failing too many expectations myself. in every role.

ie. you'd expect that friend to care. that friend to stay in touch. that friend to ask. that friend to remember and that friend to not break a promise.

and it doesn't happen. and then you wonder why and conjure up all sorts of reasons to explain it. and the only time you stop wondering is when you have 1)amnesia 2) you've written the person off and lost all hope.

i don't want to be a cynic. i just want the peace of mind knowing that yes, while i might feature no where in your life anymore or have a reduced importance, we had glorious days of fun and laughter. and be grateful for your presence in my life, albeit in a history that can only be accessed by memory. therefore, no mind games to wonder why 1) i had to hear about your wedding when your mother invited through my mother. 2) you are aloof 3) you don't bother 4) when i realized that i never realized that a year into the 'new' phone, i still don't have your number.

your future and present will not feature me. and i don't even have the honor of an eulogy to be marked in your hall of fame. but my name, it'll be there when the credits roll. i will be the artefact of a history that is celebrated but uncontactable. an indelible memory. unless alzheimer/amnesia strikes. (hurhur)

it doesn't take physical death to bid farewell. its the unsaid goodbyes that are truly tragic. whether it's a missed opportunity or completely unrealized. relationships transcend beyond time and space and even death. it's the demise of a friendship that was once so glorious and the divorce of knitted souls that require true mourning. and yet nobody ever does, even when resurrection is not a promise.