isaac says life is a marathon and i shdn't be so impatient. i agree. sometimes i lose sight of the destination and because of that, i feel like i'm merely existing. i'm not living for Him, for myself or for anyone or for anything. i just breathe enough to last 24 hours and when i reach the 25th, i've made it through another day.
i don't like that. i don't wanto merely exist, or even live just for myself. its not supposed to be like this. life is grander than that. and i find people for who merely exist for the base and shallow so deplorable.there, i said it. its a judgment call..on the act and attitude, not on the person. i just don't want to be ever be like that.
the fire has abated somewhat and i'm restless. i'm wondering what's happening. i live for thrills, the fun and the exciting and suddenly i'm confronted with nothingness alone. i know that i'm on the way to somewhere but the in-between is the place of least excitement.
and of coz that leads to the question, "when i reach there, then what?"
i don't want to hide my personality and be someone else. i'm not someone else. i'm a girl at heart and i have a whole host of idiosyncrosies. my imperfections are perfectly showcased especially on a bad day or when i'm PMSing, or when i don't leave much room for God. while i'll very much like them to go away and let God do a deep work in me, its taking a while, it doesn't warrant comparison and judgment.
i'd like to think that somewhere, even outside this universe, i'm celebrated. me, as a package. not me without faults. perfectly accepted. (don't we all?)but somewhere while writing through the codes of human rights, a perfectionist left that out. a world that doesn't know perfect love makes no provision for imperfection.
today, i had a glimpse of chastisement with love. God made me see some real wrong in me that i refused to see thanks to the self-righteous streak in me. and that dawned on me, it was like "ah!" and i could see Him gently leading me and making my paths straight again. i felt so loved. ever know how that feels?
i don't like birthdays. my own. i don't know when it started. it's not just about the getting old part. i stopped celebrating the day that commemorated my entrance into this world. the mark of my journey. i feel intrinsically tied to that day and i want it so badly to be perfect. but very often, it has not. i try so hard to drown it out with the mundane so i won't think about me. so i won't feel insignificant. i wonder how the party they threw in heaven was like the day i was born again.
if you pluck any random girl out from the street, i'll probably pale in comparison, in almost any aspect. (Except maybe my appetite)yes, i've been nothing and i'm still nothing and i'd just like to think that somewhere, someone celebrates my nothingness.
and even when i reach the point of something, i pray it'll never overwhelm me that i'll forget Him who truly is everything. all in all. through it all.
i like to dwell upon self-worth. everytime i ponder till the point of despair that i'm such a nothing, God always interrupts my chain of thoughts to remind me what He paid for me.
and i smile and weep and rejoice for I AM equivalent to the intrinsic value of the darling of Heaven.
i say, love a 'nothing' today.
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