1 girl rebellion

communicating in silence
we speak volumes

Isaiah 63:10But they turned on him; they grieved his Holy Spirit. (The Message)

rebellion grieves Him. rebellion involves me knowing His way and insist on going another, wilfully. rebellion is not passive. it very actively opposes the stated will. and, i'm guilty as charged.

i've always had a rebellious streak thinking if i push hard enough for anything, fight long enough, i'll get my way. i operated with an unofficial license to oppose anything that i didn't take fancy to and did the very thing He didn't want, knowing these things do violnce to my soul.

Having paid the price, i've since toned down. today, the only difference is that i struggle to not fight, not push and let Him have His way. it's hard for me to submit. very hard.

maybe it's a too deeply rooted insecurity that makes it hard for me to trust anyone/anything. maybe i'm too arrogant and trust me better. maybe, it's just a by-product of a fallen nature. it doesn't matter. i just want it crucified and live in total surrender.

i remember my parents (my mum mostly) having the hardest times dealing with my rebellious streak. if i don't agree with her way, there's no way she's going to get me to obey or compromise. to me, there is simply no middle ground and i'll fight tooth and nail to get what i want. in this fierce battle, there have been many casualties.

i liked to swim very much when i was younger. loved the water/sea. and then she came along and told me to swim and i just had to oppose that. sulk/gripe endlessly when she wanted me to swim. i felt like there was an agenda besides me enjoying myself. back then, it was to make me healthier and alleviate the asthma but i didn't care. it was not a valid reason. only my having fun was.

and this is just one example out of countless others.

while things are much better today and i see really no point in rebelling, either that or i've jaded and worn out myself and every other, i still from time to time find myself trying to center everyone and everything around ..me.

and when self usurps the throne of God in my heart, i find my world in complete disarray. at the end of the day, i'd rather let Him rule when my destiny is at stake. while my heart is taking its time to be aligned with His, i'll let obedience be my guiding light. in a world that's not my home, where my bearings are often lost in a whirl of confusion, i dare not lean on any earthly understanding (even my own). i don't want to waste a single breath He has given but i don't know how to truly live. because in His own words, life is much more than material pleasures , more than anything my depraved mind can currently comprehend.

until enlightenment hits, i can only imagine.

i cannot do without You.