rebel in retirement.

it takes a lot for me to obey God especially when His will goes against my fleshly will.

i find it extremely difficult to surrender anything dear to me even when i know its not good for me. i've been a rebel for too long ..way too long. therefore when i finally do surrender and give up anything, i'm hanging my head low in humility and it simply translates to 'God you know better, you have my best interests at heart, i choose to trust you'. its a big deal..at least for me.

i don't trust Him.i can be honest about that. but i'll choose to. the fear of uncertainty is too much for me to simply trust anybody. including God.but i'll go ahead inspite of. coz i have nothing left to lose.

for those (or most) who already know, i'll fight tooth and nail for what i want. and i'll also fight tooth and nail to resist what i don't want. from digging my nose, snorting and faking burps infront of relatives to the chagrin (and embarassment) of my parents simply as an act of defiance for them forcing me to be there with relatives i don't like to locking myself up in my room, staging my own hunger strikes.

i used to quip often that my teenage years were fraught with acts of rebellion. i'm not sure if i've stopped entirely. all i know is that my parents of all people know they can't force me to anything. but God will not back down like my parents...and in a way, i'm thankful. He'll persist as well till He has his way with me. or rather..till i break down in utter defeat from my wrestle with the most High and let Him carry me gently on His shoulders into a land of healing and plenty.

so last night i remembered the time(s) ( so few) that i acted in obedience simply exhausted from struggling with Him. and on hindsight, i saw the wisdom of His plan and the goodness and love behind those intentions. the end from which i was spared and the future which i was promised.

my offering to God today is nothing more than my heart. i cannot pledge to Him that i'll always be faithful, true and kind. infact, i can pledge the exact opposite that there'll be moments of doubt, unbelief and worldly desires. but this moment, i really wanto throw myself at Him without abandon and just let Him have His way. i cannot guarantee that i won't mumble and grumble if He leads me through the wilderness but whatever it is, the same perserverance i had in me to rebel and fight for what i want, i wanto let all i want be Him and His will be done and channel my perserverance towards these things.