The very long weekend.

This long weekend I missed a wedding I didn't want to miss.

The wedding was held over two days and while I didn't rsvp to be present on the second day, I merely ''tapaoed'' my ang pow and registered my absence. Spent the day with my mother instead, chionging the taka sale. The whole experience left me feeling physically exhausted but happy in the light of all the drama that has happened and it restored some sort of normalcy into our lives, even though I don't ever have a single recollection of thronging big sales like that with my mum. Ever. We literally had to inch in, inch out, queue up endlessly and her, with blistered feet. If not for her, I'll never do that again.

At lunch today, we bumped into the lovely Khoo family. Auntie KW told me so sweetly that we are dear to her and she was sad but didn't want to push when I missed CNY visiting. She knew I was going through a tough phase and just prayed for me. I love them so much. Uncle just went on with jokes and chortled at..everything. It was so nice my risotto paled in comparison even though it was oh-so-good. I love them so much and they've been my inspiration to so much. People like them remind me God is alive and there is good in this world. Somedays, I fear they'll die before me (which is pretty much the natural order of things). I've been so blessed to have so many parental figures in my life. Surrogate ones to make up for the lack of the natural parenting I never had. I can't believe they're Peter's parents because they feel so much younger than him and he just nags me more than they do. It's a blessing to have wonderful friends like Pete and Kel but even more when their parents rock and house me, nurse me and dote on us so much.

This was timely because I've been assuaged by feelings of hopelessness and defeat again. Isaac and I just can't see any way out of our situation , in the natural. It's so hard to take our eyes off what we have to live through while projecting for the future. As such, a lot of hope is robbed and it hit me harder than it hits him. I wonder about our future, my job etc. I also have existentialism issues and questioning whether my existence is justified, what is the meaning of all these, what is God thinking etc. I am desperate to hear from God and have to forcefully calm myself down. Nope, actually I am so calm these days I feel like the living dead. I just go through the works of life and honestly, wonder how long I have to repeat it.

Which leads me to tonight. I was super bummed that I fell asleep at 10 pm naturally only to be wide awake now at 3.18 am. Don't know how to get back to sleep but am thankful to be able to straighten out thoughts here. Still have so much to be thankful for even though living is hard. Also, if I just look around, my life ain't that bad even though the feeds on facebook seem to suggest that everyone else is better.

Cliche still stands. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow.

I feel orphaned and I almost feel a palpable chill in my spirit coupled with a dull ache in my chest. Sometimes I wonder how long it'll take for God to fill up the ginormous black hole in my heart and if I'll live long enough to be whole.

I know I cannot rush these things but my impatience is getting the better of me.

God help me, again.