Life as it is now

Waiting is so hard.

But the theme of waiting runs throughout the bible and is documented well in all the patriarchs of old. It is arduous, trying and sometimes sheer painful as doubts assail and confusion looms. For me, it often causes me to think retrospectively in detail as I doubt whether I heard God right, made the right decisions etc and of course, there's the age old temptation to craft my own solutions and to help God move along or speed up. I disrespect his timeline, thinks that He has forgotten me and of course, as history has evidenced, often create more problems than before.

Which is why even though I have no job and no bun in the oven, I'm doing everything I can by crucifying this impatient, faithless monster that lives in me. Biting my nails, tongue anything to keep the monster within from rearing its ugly head.

It is extremely difficult and I've never done well for tests like these. I am impatient by nature and my lack of childhood discipline did little to curb it. Some days, dark clouds of gloom loom over my thoughts and literally weigh me down the throes of depression. Thankfully, I have the support of prayers from my husband and as a veteran of depression, I'm better equipped now to fend off the feelings of hopelessness.

I really don't know how long this season will last or how long I will last in this season. Hopefully, I outlast it and emerge victorious as I trust God and win the waiting game. Hopefully , hope will return and my heart will swell with faith again and the fiery arrows of doubt will be quenched as I grow in Him.

I pray that God teaches me to cherish the season, strange as it sounds, prayerfully read and grow in Him, use my time wisely and improve my homemaking skills (lotsa yummy home cooked food to bless the bodies).