Ashes of a broken life

After the last post, everything spiralled downhill pretty fast.

Nothing drastic in particular happen and most of it is as they would say "in my mind". I battled thoughts that weighed heavier than titanic and sunk me down to the lowest depths of a dark abyss. It's not an unfamiliar place and I've been there before but no matter how much of a war veteran I've been, I will never get used to the sickening feeling of helplessness and confusion. My mind fogs up and there is no reprieve. The most I could do is to stay as still as possible physically and stare at the ceiling, allowing my mind to go into a complete blank.

Yesterday in particular was extremely traumatic. I still shudder at the nightmare that it was. Needless to say, it distressed more than just me and affected my family members as well. For that, I feel extremely bad to have to have them worry so much about me.

I'm not much better yet and my faith/hope isn't altogether restored but I am starting to tell myself repeatedly that it's ok to be where I am now. I never believed in this repetitive self-talk business but it's my last resort. It is ok specifically to be a homemaker with no kids. I am not less of a person and not a loafer. It is ok to be not perfect. Cut yourself some slack.

In the meantime, forgive me if I have to be a hermit. I can barely deal with myself now and as irony would have it, I suddenly have a tsunami of social engagements to attend, almost all which cause me great stress with the inevitability of questions arising such as "what are you doing now?" and "I haven't seen you in a long time. How are you?". I do not have any answers for these questions and I am afraid that I might not even be able to remember who even asked. Faces are just faces now and mean absolutely nothing to me.

Until I sort out these questions pertaining to my self-worth myself, I am adopting an isolationist policy and only permitting myself to meet my most trusted close circle. In any case, if I have learnt anything at all, people can be the worst poison and really impede my healing process. While I know it cannot possibly be healthy long-term to be a hermit, I am just not ready for human beings.