Depression

The moods have been getting darker like cumulonimbus clouds fogging my mind and perspective. I can barely breathe shrouded in this thickness.

Before all this happened, the demise of hope took place. My hope slowly eroded away insidiously without my knowledge. Before I could do anything to save the last vestiges of it, it has already gone too far down under.

Isaac now wants me to go back on medication. I acknowledge the merits it brings-the clarity in my mind to process thoughts and think objectively, thereby setting the engines of healing into motion. BUT I remember how painful the cold-turkey treatment and side effects were and the thought of having to be on life-long medication without chance of respite puts me off so badly. There are always two sides of a coin. If the argument that it is really a physiological, physical chemical imbalance triggered by circumstances, then like illnesses like diabetes, I would have to be on life long medication to mitigate the symptoms. This would imply that my life would be so severely limited by the walls depression has closed in on me. If otherwise it can be resolved after a short period of medication to get me on track to my life, my true self, then it will well be worth it. Unfortunately, I have been through these so many rounds before to truly hold hope that this is temporary and surmountable.

With each round, it gets harder, not easier. If I survive this round, I would really love to go on and just be there for fellow sufferers. There is no easy way out, no band-it for a wound of this magnitude and the only solace when you can't even hear God is really a friend whom you can trust. Just to be there. Even if there are no words left to say.