I wish I was asleep.

I really don't want to be up so late but too many things weigh heavy on my heart. And guts. (literally). I had a huge feast earlier and now my stomach is revolting. This is a repeated trend in the story of my life. I have a weakness for food and I keep repeating the mistake of overeating.

In my younger years, I had the metabolism most would envy and could eat copious amounts and still never be fat. These days, I cringe at photos of myself. Yesterday, while at my grandma's 80th donning an empire cut dress, I was asked by a few different relatives who have not seen me for awhile if I was pregnant. I never ever get that.

It does wonders for the self-esteem. Thinking about it now makes me emotional and sad.

Because I do want to be pregnant. The weight gain should come with the pregnancy. Not because I alternate between binge eating and starving myself to alleviate an inner deeper pain that human minds and hearts can access.

I see myself drifting along aimlessly with no security in sight. My God is my security I claim but certain life choices made previously have rocked my boat big time. Now, the confluences of situation and man-caused factors are making it almost inhabitable for my soul to thrive in my body. Some days, I just want to shut down to escape it all.

Prayer has sustained me a great deal but at this rate, it's more like one step up and two steps back. My husband doesn't seem to understand the least bit how detrimental it is for my mental health as he vacillates in the ocean of indecisiveness and negativity. I do not want to undermine the stress he is facing at work and while he is definitely paying a hefty price, especially for newbies starting a fresh career, I am fast becoming collateral damage.

I seem to have arrived at the crossroads. To have to choose between my sanity or my marriage. My man-made solutions are appear to scream sin which I know will break the hearts of many, especially the God who loves me infinitely. Therefore, I implore, beseech that God himself shows me a better way and gives me endurance and sustenance to ride it out. Yet again. Year after year, I have reached this familiar place of brink-of-no-return. Year after year, I've been delivered, sustained and healed. I do not want to undermine His saving power in a hopeless situation just as this.

But I do need clear indicators. Positive ones to tell me again that HE will be my strength and will see me through. Without which, I doubt I can continue on further. I will have to move on.