Fatigue

Both mentally and physically.

I literally willed myself to stop thinking and mulling today. Not that the divine revelation that fretting does no good hit. I blanked out after awhile and fell asleep amidst the sounds of heavy piling and construction.

Asher coming over today was also a good respite. I love that kid and it breaks my heart to know that he will grow up far away,  never really knowing aunty Xinying. I am thankful that we'll be spending his first birthday together though. Maybe in years to come, we can physically fly over and reunite for subsequent birthdays. Maybe.

Desires denied. Delayed.

That's been the theme of late-Disappointments and I'm not sure how many beatings I can take. While I try my utmost to stay upbeat and positive, count my blessings etc, it's been really hard to stay emotionally afloat and this has taken a toll on many areas of my life.

I am afraid that I'll run out of options. It already feels like it and that feeling is plain suffocating and claustrophobic. I don't think I ever felt this lonely ever in my life. Yet I don't allow people in. It's a paradox really and I'm confused.

I no longer want to shop. I have gone from taking respites in shopping to obsessively wanting to obliterate all the excesses in my life. So many dresses, shoes, make up that I can never finish using. I know I'll come to regret this decision so I never got around to that.

I sound like a broken record. Maybe it's time to just get sleep and do a stock-take on life tomorrow. Maybe pleasant surprises await.