While waiting for sleep to arrive

It's 2.44 am on my clock. Yet I lie awake. I've taken the pills I needed to aid sleep but still, it is elusive.

I've devoured tonnes of sermon in vain attempts to reconnect with God and let Him shine a ray of hope into the dark abyss of my soul. Some light is getting through but barely. The journey of healing starts with one step and it doesn't seem to end. Healing is an ongoing process, at least for me. There is so much going on in that soul I wonder how big it really is to stomach so much disappointments and hurts.

What is it really? Haven't I reconciled the pain of my childhood? The abandonment and neglect of being the unwanted child? I really don't have a clue this time around.

I want a job. A job that I can excel in to feed my confidence, to help build some sense of normalcy again because now, I feel like an alien, handicapped by fears and limitations. I'm afraid the stigma associated with depression would arise if anyone would to find out. Even if I can carry out my job duties accordingly. I just want an opportunity and now, even humbling jobs like customer service, if not for their requirements to work weekends are starting to grow on me. Sure, I think I might be overcome with some sense of shame when one of my mother's friends walk by. Or, some polished ex-schoolmate while I clean make-up brushes but the rational part of me tells me no job is to be despised. I excel at these things even when I was a student. Time shouldn't change that. My aptitude for it remains.But now, I fear the looks of men.

Ideally, a job that I can excel in and capitalizes on my strengths with regular hours and a cohesive friendly team of colleagues and bosses would be more than a dream come true. But now that that is elusive, I have to look beyond and re-start my search to make each day more fruitful. Not just in terms of dollars and cents but just to even get human interaction and contribute as little as I can to society.

If you're reading this, please offer a prayer for me. For breakthrough and for hope while I wait on the Lord. Somedays, I feel like the dark moods are so hard to fight I can barely step out of my bedroom. It takes a toil on my husband as he juggles between the heavy demands of his work and his sick wife. I would love to "snap out of it" but the moods, I can't describe them. Even without a focused thought nor a worry, they afflict me relentlessly. I get debilitating headaches and fatigue.

BUT I thank God I can seek solace in this little diary. Maybe even have a little audience of faceless individuals. So I'm not alone.

The remnant indignation left in me is adamant that I will not let depression, demon or anything really steal my destiny and joy. I believe I have one, ordained by the Lord. Big or small, I don't know but I intend to stick to it and be fruitful in it for as long as I live. What I am now is a dismal cry from what it is meant to be. I want to be more, not just for selfish ambition but because I know that that was the deposit that I carry from above.

So God, hear me. Remember me. Sometimes I feel so forgotten by you. I know it's a lie but why is the furnace suddenly so hot and unbearable? How long more must I bear before I see and feel the first rays on my skin and celebrate jubilee? I know you hear me. Even when it doesn't feel like it. I want to believe..help my unbelief. Give me an indication. That you are here. Right here.