Fidgety

Yet again, a trial of my patience and faith. Another one. I'm not complaining and I do believe I'm stronger than before to take it on and my soul is more fortified with faith and bolstered with the encouragement of supportive individuals this time round, giving me strength to stand..still and believe.

Doubts still assail relentlessly and the occasional bout of fear that I'll end up wallowing in an abyss of regret if the outcome is contrary to what I had prepared for.

So I pray and pray and listen and listen endlessly to sermons. Running to God so that I won't run astray like so in the past. So I won't lapse back into worry-wart state. Been talking in my sleep so much and the nasty quality of sleep has been taking a toil on my complexion (oh woe!). Despite my best efforts at resisting and spiritual warfare, the enemy occasionally still sneaks in a despairing thought or two or a devastating scenario in my mind. It's not easy but I try my best to recount every single blessing, even the smallest or seemingly insignificant ones that I so often take for granted and just keep. on. moving.

I'm sure God has a perfect reason in delaying the outcome and though curiosity killed the cat, I won't let it defeat me this time. Delays, they reveal to me the condition of my heart and for the first time in a long time, strengthens my intimacy and dependence on Him. He keeps time best. He is never late. He knows best. No demon in hell can stop Him if this is part of His plan for me.

I just want His plan now. Not mine, not my parents'. Whatever it may be.