My spot of heaven on earth-FOUND.

The blue-er skies misled me to believe that it was safe to venture out.

Despite the improvement in air quality, it apparently was not Xinying-proof yet. As a result of going out, I am now paying the price with laboured breathing, rapid heart palpitations and cough. My throat seems lined with phlegm and medication has proved futile.

It is difficult to talk when asthma hits. I can barely gesticulate for help and garner any attention. I have witnessed three people suffer from lung cancer. One died in front of me and to imagine how much worse their suffering must be as they struggle for breath in their severely weakened state is horrifying.

Strangely, as I try to ride out this momentary trial, the lyrics of an old song keep coming to mind.
"Our dreams are young and we both know, they'll take us where we want to go..."
I've forgotten what most of my dreams were. A lot of them have also been "revised" as life matured me. One remained. That I grow old and well with Isaac. I am so thankful for him, especially in this last 6 months. This july, we would have been together a full decade. A whole decade of emotional upheavals.

Now that I'm older, I no longer dream and yearn so much about travelling the world unless it is with Isaac. My idea of heaven on earth is now whereever he is and I don't want to be separated by distance and timezones anymore. Well, I will not dismiss the possibility of taking my solo journeys to HK for shopping because it is a complete bore to him and I usually have to compensate by feeding incessantly but generally, yep, that's it. Heaven is where your loved ones are and I'm so glad I've found my spot of heaven here on earth. It's such a blessing.

I hope the job interview turns out well. For now, it seems perfect. The JD fits me to a T and for once, it doesn't require ANY travel (except a 40 minute commute every morning) and the industry screams my name. I'm up against strong candidates and can only pray.

God, I know you heard me the first time but since I can't really verbalize my prayers in this asthmatic condition, please let everything go smoothly for the interview. Grant me loads of favour and wisdom to impress and secure the job. Secure the best terms for me please. In Jesus' name, Amen.

What the haze brought out

This week, my tiny country was plunged into a state of crisis as the PSI soared to over 400. the whole country was engulfed in ash from Indonesia's slash and burn efforts, a traditional method of clearing forest for farming.

What resulted was a whole host of problems for us. Barring expected problems like respiratory difficulties and of course, no visibility, it was said that this episode set our economy back by $1.3 billion. Somehow, being Singaporean, when it's measured in dollars and cents, it really presents a clearer picture of how bad it really was.

For me, with my less than stellar wind-pipes and lungs, I struggled with breathing on the day the PSI dipped. This was very ironic and truly a terrifying episode. For a moment, I was not sure if I was going to die by asphyxiation or heart attack as my heart raced to send oxygen to the oxygen-starved parts of my anatomy (which really was everywhere). I had trouble breathing in my N95 mask too which, while insulating me against the assaults of toxic micro air particles, denied me oxygen as well. It was a tricky catch-22 situation.

During that moment of vulnerability, my thoughts really went out to those who had no air conditioning in their homes, had no refuge from the haze and worse, with worse health problems and had to soldier on working. Unlike neighbouring countries, including the culprit itself, no stop-work order was issued despite these hazardous levels. I cannot imagine how much worse they must have it. The population plunged into hysteria and panic and N95 masks were snapped up and hoarded. It brought out the worst and best in people. On one hand there were profiteering and enterprising individuals who hawkered the masks for exorbitant prices when supply was low and demand, at an all time high. This was truly dismal as to see humanity so depraved and selfish.

The silver lining however was that many also stepped out to offer their homes with air purifiers to strangers. Some even used their own business/personal resources to fly in special supplies of masks and individually give them out for free to those in need. I am so proud of my fellow country-men when I read of such reports and they truly deserve commendation. They resurrect a glimmer of hope for mankind and warm my heart. They truly inspire me.

The worst is not said to be over although we have a brief respite. However, the air quality in nearby johor is said to be worse than what we had which, in my opinion is already unbearable. Seeing that Singapore pretty much snapped up the world's supply of N95, I really don't know how they are going to cope. I pray for a miracle and comfort for those affected and for the haze to be gone.

This whole crisis was conceived because of greed and though it sparked off more avarice in people, light also shone out of this (hazy) darkness. Many innocents suffered and I hope for more relief, especially for the sick and poor. It also taught me to treasure the days I have, whether I have what I desire, whether I have a job or a child. My beautiful house, my air conditioning and my husband. All preciousness deposited from God. I hope my purpose will be more defined and that I will learn to bless others too, beyond my existing capacity of seeming nothingness.

Silver lining in the gloom

The PSI shot up to an unprecedented high of 321 some hours ago. Who would have thought? Suddenly the notion of living in HK doesn't seem all too bad. Our problems are similar and finally, our air quality is surpassing theirs in terms of inferiority.

Nonetheless, in spite of it all, I'm thankful for my air conditioner. I cannot imagine the plight of those without. I've had asthma since childhood and breathing in ash can't be good for any healthy lung, much less a deficient one.

I'm thankful I have a warm comfortable bed to snuggle up in with the person I love most.

There's still so much to be grateful for despite the gloom.