Are you ok?

An innocuous question but one I dread a lot. All because most of the time, I cannot give the desired positive answer of "Yes"and I don't want to lie about it.

Truth is, I still grapple with the pressure, the dark moods, the thunderous clouds of depression despite having so much going for me. It's not like I chose to be unhappy, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes, I feel so utterly besieged by the dark stormy clouds I just want to evaporate-all to escape.

I have learnt instead to just "deal with it". Soldier through it, grit my teeth etc. It's not easy and sometimes, I self-combust leaving smitherines of myself and my loved ones in the wake. I cannot make sense of what is happening or what happened but I grieve. I've hurt the ones I love.

Work-wise, it's like a dream come true. We don't work late at all but the days are super intense. Everything moves at bullet-train speed and sometimes I feel so drained I have actually fallen asleep upon hitting the pillow at 8 pm. In fact, I have fallen asleep just sitting on the toilet bowl. It is utterly draining.

In other news, I learnt that the company I previously worked with has completely shut down. It is no surprise of course given that everytime I opened my email, retrenchment emails were announced. I'm glad I left coz morale was dismal. I'm glad also that in my current work, we partake of community projects close to my heart. Yes, I know there's cynicism behind all corporate charity activities and initiatives because so much publicity is generated for the company but I really believe in these few. I shall not talk too much about it here but I cannot cannot believe that I am paid to do this for a living. Good money and good benefits too. It's wonderful.

Ok. I'm tired and a broken record. I rarely get monday blues but I need to prepare for the week ahead and think of an agenda for Monday's meeting so that I can meet tight deadlines, effectively delegate so I can get work done.

All this and...get my act together with God without feeling like a 1000 tonne of depression.

My asos order is also either severely delayed or completely lost in the mail. I am sad. It's arrival can really add some cheer.