Dreams that speak of my darkest fears

In my feverish weakened state, I dreamt that all 30 years I lived was ironically, just a dream , a figment of my imagination.

The people that have shaped me into who I am today, the moments of joy and heartache, some that has cost me my soul are all nothing but a "what-if". In my dream, I was a mere 12 year old waiting to sit for her PSLEs and had her whole life ahead of her and the prerogative of hindsight at 20/20.

This dream revealed to me my deepest darkest fears. Fear of failure. Apart from that, despite the going getting tougher at times than I imagined possible, I don't want it any differently. I am me today, because of all that happened. This person that I talk about isn't perfect but she is what she was made to be. Yes, she met callous people who backstabbed and trodded on her trust like used tissue but along the way, she gained a whole wealth of friendship through so many others that just can't be exchanged for anything else.

I would choose to do certain things differently but really, if given the same set of circumstances, I don't know if I had the strength to choose. I might still end up right here on the same spot. This is where I think I believe predestination comes in. That God already knew. And I draw a great deal of comfort not because I'm powerless to change my tomorrows and make them better but because God is already there and will be there no matter what.

If there's anything I learnt in the last 30 years, I would say surely that whether it be mountains high or valleys low, He never left me nor forsook me.

And for that, I praise Him eternally.