Lists and self-doubt

Wishlists.
Bucketlist.
Shopping lists.

Too long.
Too little time.
Too little resources.

I feel like I'm underachieving. Actually, I know I am.

I need spectacular numbers. Spectacular, ceteris paribus. I never was the most excellent organised planner around but now I'm in a complete state of disarray.

I used to do 4 cities in 4 days including 12 hour flights, train rides etc. Now, my fingernails seem to grow faster than my thoughts can unravel themselves.

I've been bothered by many things in life and I love my job so much and I fear I don't do well enough to keep it because the bar of expectations is so high and the queue of people waiting for this job is pretty long. I feel so replaceable and insecure.

And the hardest part of the job?

I have to fire someone.

People have called me Thor, nicknamed me a bouncer for obvious reasons and if one really logically, this person should have been fired yesterday, never been hired for too many reasons. Yet, when I think about delivering the news, I tear. Even as I procrastinate to write the official letter to request for termination, even as I speak to HR on the phone, I find myself shaking.

Not because she's very special. Not because she is a star employee.

Maybe because I invested my time and resources in her and she took me for granted and jeopardised not just the business but cannot understand the simple concept of integrity.

Maybe because she looks and feels so much like the woman who brought me up, left when I was 15 and lost touch ever since.