huayu cool

http://www.spring.gov.sg/Content/ModulePage.aspx?group=nw&id=b9870dee-12e6-4c6e-906a-27caf8c41655

that was what me and shuxin were involved in for the past 4 days.

punishing schedules, little sleep and basically being teleported from city to city. but overall, despite the fatigue and language handicap, we thoroughly enjoyed it and learnt a great deal from it.

they fed us non stop but i still lost weight. it was the walking, the lack of sleep and my sheer fussiness that kept me from partaking from china's delicacies.

we went from meeting to presentation to mall tours all covering 3 cities within a span of 3 days. delays in flights were occupied by blackberrying and stoning. occasionally, we entertained ourselves with our strange sense of humour that really really if exhibited, truly discredits us.

for eg, while waiting for the luggage to appear on the conveyor belt,

xin1:do you want to know how a sushi feels?
xin2:?
xin1: jump on the conveyor belt lor.

among other things.

i was also very embarassed by our language handicap but mostly shuxin's. we had so much trouble communicating to anyone. was talking to this chinese owner of a fashion chain and then he asked me to speak in mandarin..to which i replied 'i am huayuing!'

and then there was shuxin shopping and when she wanted to tell the sales asst 'let me think about it first', she went 'rang wo zi wo xiang xiang' (translated: let me own self think think)

and then while checking in for a domestic flight, i was told that if iw ant the aisle seat, i should inform the attendant that iwant a 'corridor seat' as they don't quite understand what's aisle. so i did so obediently only to realize that she didn't understand. so i raised my volume (as if that really helps but itend to do it alot when people dont understand and speak really slowly)

me:"IIIII WAAAANTTT A COOOOREEEEY DOOORRR SEAAATT"
her: huh??ting bu dong!
me:CORREE DOORRR
her:??
me: zai zou de pang ban (literal translaton: beside the walk)
her: oh...aisle seat.
me-embarassed-

we were treated like vips as we were shuffled from place to place, given the best food and put up in quite luxurious settings (at least for local standards). i also find it such an irony that poor and rich call the same street home. on one hand you see people shopping their socks off and two minutes later, you see someone picking trash from the bins.

also because we were considered to be quite vipish, which i totally dont understand why, i had people escorting me to the toilet and like really going all out of the way to treat me like a king, sans the red carpet and taking a lot of 'paparazzi shots'. its really like this:walk walk walk, snap snap snap.

only that sometimes, i'm like walk yawn scratch nose, snap snap snap.

gulp.

overall, i'm amazed at china and what it has become since the last time i saw it. my only regret for this trip is that i did not get to see tiananmen. in light of the debacle with tibet, i thought about the heavy persecution of MY brethren.

so a day before the trip while packing, i realized that a green jacket i am bringing is very 'maoish' and entertained thoughts of standing outside tiananmen and crying out 'let my people go'. to which meiling replied that the authorities might even be more convinced about incarcerating and containing religious fanaticism.

i also met alot of people whom i otherwise would never have if not for the trip. am so thankful for the company and just the crash course of china. yes, 4 days just went by and here i am back again before hong kong beckons in 2 weeks.

i even got recruited to join the fuqing association (my dialect grp which is uber rare with only 4000 of us ) in singapore because the treasurer happened to be on the trip. hurhur. i know not a word about my dialect sadfully but was told that the premises that the association occupies is worth alot. someone even advised thati shd probably join because as the youngest and theonly rep in my generation, if en bloc ah, i get alot of money.

want to go back to beijing. tiananmen.

selah.

the genie coefficient

Dior poisons me with the high lead content
Hugo captivates me and I sniff around to catch a whiff
Ferragamo tempts me and makes me feel like a pauper

then i walk down the street and order a $6 cake and a $6 coffee.
then i realize the $12 for my tea feeds a family of 3,
living in a one room HDB
for 2 whole meals

then i hear the cry of the poor as i march down the streets of 'too much',
muffled by the bustle of the city.
their demeanor considered unsightly
so they are sidelined, marginalised by society.
their poverty is camouflage to the slums of our minds
and a helping hand is a hard, rare find.

their welfare is nobody's business,
afterall, we're still reeling from a sub prime crisis.
our problems are too big, they won't understand.
if this doesn't go well,
we can't even sustain our chanels.

so we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye,
to their not so silent cry.
we sear our conscience to fend for our comfort,
and add mercilessly to their hurt.
we cry over our korean DVDS
fly out of our geographical boundary to to lend aid
all the while, oblivious to the 3rd world in our very own city state.

we who are rich are truly poverty stricken
eaten by a disease called 'selfish'.
'every man for himself' rules our hearts,
yet we cry out 'one people, one nation, one singapore'
with a merlion's roar.

'no man is an island' applies
but i've learnt that membership to the 'island' is $200k annually.
this island doesn't admit many,
even if you have the money
see, the poor don't have a clue of our woes
they don't see the thorns in our rose.
the greenback is spiralling
and we all feel poor
there is rising inflation
our tomorrows are no longer sure
however, we're completely unaware
that their todays
are in peril

boldness and courage for a lamb

this season calls for strength to stand, faith to believe, boldness to conquer and grace to overcome. yet all i want to do is hide and run away. from the tempest and the storms. from the conflicts, skirmishes and potential bloodshed. i am the new irresponsible and the wuss in me is crying out for shelter (and another holiday), yet knowing fully well that it is not what i need.

i find myself obsessing over things like looking out for the fugitive, to ensure he is not camouflaged in the crowd and noticed that there are many many pple wearing caps these days. so i peer beneath their caps when they are sleeping in the train and rudely jolt them awake when they realize i'm peering. then i quickly look away, mentally justifying myself that i need not be embarassed, i'm just doing my part as a civilian, to be vigilant.

this is the moment when i'm challenged to be more because i hate injustice. sometimes i feel so fired up i want to fight. at times, fear and the mind holds me back and i just keep thinking, ''better stay out of trouble. don't get involved'. but i quote mordecai, queen esther's uncle who was an emblem of righteousness -
" for if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this"

alamak. what a harsh rebuke. but she needed it because many destinies and lives were hanging in the balance. imagine if esther had just MYOBed (minded your own business), the book of esther would have been written very differently and esther will be a name that will go down history in shame.

i don't know how my name will live after i leave. i do believe however, that every small decision sums up and every decision further defines who you are and what you stand for. its the classic 'between the rock and a hard place' but that's where many mighty men are birthed. babies are birthed in the womb but mighty men are birthed through trials and really difficult situations. mine is nothing compared to them. it's comparing a chiku to a watermelon. if you get my analogy. surely, this is nothing.

i need to unwussify. i need to speak even if i stammer. i need to stand even if i shake. and really its ok even if i have to evacuate this earth one day, because on the other wide of heaven, i've got a mansion reserved.

so really, if i can make a tiny difference in a tiny person's life, i'll do it. even if its inconvenient and costly. because He knew the cost but paid for me.

i'm sure He asked why. i'm sure the Father answered back, pointing at me 'she is the reason why you must die'.

i was blind but now i see

chastised.

the peoplei used to envy who had the jobs i wanted, the 'type' of life that seemed to spell ' i had it all' didn't quite have it all either. it was just all an illusion, nice packaging to shield the sadness behind.

and i felt so bad for ever ever lamenting about my life.

"death reminds us about the brevity of life but the resurrection reminds us of the brevity of death''

While You Were Sleeping - Casting Crowns

great expectations-steven curtis chapman

The morning finds me here at heavens door

A place Ive been so many times before

Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow

And carry me to places that I know so well

But dare I go where I dont understand

And do I dare remember where I amI stand before the great eternal throne

The one that God himself is seated on

And I Ive been invited as a son

Oh I Ive been invited to come and

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable

And see beyond my wildest imagination

Lord I come with great expectations

So wake the hope that slumbers in my soul

Stir the fire inside and make it glow

Im trusting in a love that has no end

The savior of this world has called me friend

And I Ive been invited with the son

Oh I Ive been invited to come and

We've been invited with the sonA

nd we've been invited to come and

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable

And see beyond our wildest imagination

Lord we come with great expectations

better not safe than sorry.

i'm driven by a force that wants to live life to the fullest, love the hardest and overcome so that on my deathbed, i'll be able to wave my temporary home goodbye gaily knowing i truly lived. i'm not scared to die physically. i'm scared to die spiritually and mentally, more than anything else.

i want to savour all the blessings He has availed for me. To have the best marriage on earth, have the epic romance of all times with the one i love, share a life of communion in Him with him, and raise champions whose hearts are sold out to the one true God, to live fearlessly for Him only.

i don't want to stay 'safe' and never venture out, never try. my life has to be an adventure no matter how fraught with fear i sometimes am, as the uncertainty bellows from the deep and i'm dangling precariously by a thread called faith. undoubtedly, sometimes fear holds me back and the 'what ifs' swallow my gusto before i even start to pray. but the greater fear of one day looking back at my days in regret and peppering my lines with 'if only's propells me even further into the unknown.

i've made a decision to be bold. this decision will leave room for mistakes, forgiveness and grace to pick up and move on. this decision equips me to live to discover His best plans for me, to evidence the truth that 'He'll never leave me nor forsake me'', to be surprised by Him and to live the the overcoming life He decreed. i don't have to walk safely on the pathway when i can fly. at the same time,the knowledge that i have all but one life time restrains me from living carelessly but exercising prayer and counsel.

there are certain key areas in my life that are awaiting His full restoration. the robbers of my faith have pilferaged the deep treasures of my heart and i'm waiting a full compensation and the shame of their offense. it seems abyssamal when i examine it with the standards of this world and i've walked the valley of despair because of it. but i know, without a doubt that my God of isaac will have the last laugh from the top of Zion. and His laughter is my victory cry.

feeding my soul jay chou
with corrine may on repeat play
i can't hear You now.
garrison my soul with Your love
before they lower the casket of hope below the earth
thieves are pilferaging my hope
and the weight of my expectations
crush my spirit
lift me out from the abyss of dust
hoist my hope up the mast
blast the lies out of my soul
and let the voice of truth resound in victory.

bad bad review.

i seldom blog like this but today i was infuriated

we went to eat at the mussel guys in vivocity. 45 minutes after ordering, we were still yet to serve our soup. when we checked on our order, the waiter disappeared and came back only to tell us to 'wait'. and this was before after i practically did astar jump to get their attention.

when the soup came, it was bad bad bad. like yuck water.

then after 20 minutes or so, nothing else came. so i told the waiter if the food doesn't come any time like NOW, i'm leaving. so he told me to 'wait'. now i know why he is a waiter.not waitor.

so after a long time, i asked to see the 'manager' and told him i wanted the bill fo rall that i've eaten and i want it 'NOW'. and he said ok...'wait'. then i said, 'no more waiting'.

so a few seconds later, i found myself standing infront of the managing director and i related the whole story to him while he just listened, all the time counting money and then issuing me the bill a few minutes later. he mumbled an apology and when i saw the bill i told him there was no way i was going to pay the 10% service charge. to his credit, he removed that from the bill. still with no apology. so there. good riddance.

don't judge us!!

the 1st xin: hmm maybe my parents should have called me dar..then i'll be dar ling.
-smiles to self-

the other xin: and my parents should called me sai. then i wouldn't be so constipated.

-stops smiling to self-

her surname is Pang.

and He adds on

Isaiah 45: 8

Shower O heavens, from above
and let the clouds rain down righeousness;
let the earth open, that salvation and righteousness may bear fruit
let the earth cause them both to sprout;
I the Lord have created it

Verse 13:

I have stirred him up in righteousness,
and i will make all his ways level
he shall build my city
and set my exiles free
not for price or reward,
says the Lord of Hosts.

the God of small things.

first You wrote my name in the sky with the clouds and watched me grow. The clouds bearing my name got heavier as I grew in You. Then one day, despite my wishes, You rained me down as I was too heavy for the sky that was once my home. I fought but You promised a second return and to watch out for a surprise.

I fell down like blinding rain, onto the cold harsh ground of mud and grime. Little did I know that while I was up there in the clouds, You'd toiled the land and made it fertile and ready for me, to take root in various forms and bud flowers and be exceedingly fruitful.

I seeped into the deep foundations of the earth and hated the mud. I was now a murky brown and there was not a shade of heaven in me. I stayed in the ground grumbling not realizing the magic that was taking place.

and the magic took place. buds formed, flowers bloomed, trees surged towards the heavens. the whole place was now a forest abuzz with life and vitality, echoing Eden, Your original masterpiece.

Soon, i realized You saw a forest in the empty desolation. You who called the light out of the darkness saw the effects tied to the causes. You saw the life in me that I could give to multiply for You. and for that reason, I was rained down that You might harvest the beautiful forest of fine trees clapping their hands at the sound of Your name.

I gladly rejoiced with them but now I'm no more. I've returned home as a vapour and joined the great 'cloud' of witnesses to cheer them on, to run the race not only for the prize.

what i really want now

i just saw the wedding photos of a secondary sch friend and i just cried and cried.I was never close to her so i knew very little and it really isn't about the the skills of the photographer if you know what i mean.

I've seen so many wedding photos and but hers really has a light and a touch of heaven to it. i want mine to be like that too...it's no use getting the best photographer when there are no 'God' moments to capture.

gah. i wish them a lifetime of blessings in Him.

**
i wished i knew how to trust and i wish i could stop myself from wondering how things will ever fall into place.

it's not that i think about it all the time but i try not to think about it a good part of the time and that itself is tiring.

it beats human logic to know how it'll fall into place seamlessly and beautifully when we have such busy schedules and life is sometimes not friendly. but even if it means walking on the tight rope, i'll walk together with him and Him. and really,i do have it all in place. so my motto is: everything is in place as long as you have decided on the groom and the God who will chair the wedding and direct the marriage.

and sometimes the reminder of that alone is enough to remind me how blessed i really am.

this moment, iwish i could accelerate things and fly to dec 27th with him. never mind the frills and the picture perfect settings on the humongous guest list. i think even if it was so simple, as long as its with Him and him, it's more than everything i asked for.

it was never those things that made any wedding beautiful but the couple and the God behind the couple who authored their story. i don't have any grandiose ideas of the perfect wedding or marriage. (infact, many friends are startled at how little i care about these things. so i'll appreciate flower and dress advice!) i'm just thankful it's going to happen ( eeks. that sounded desperate)i'm just glad and all charged up to march into thisnew chapter of our lives as we covenant ourselves together in Him.

after all that we've weatherd and overcome, i'm brimming with excitement to start the new journey. the challenges may have wearied me for agood part and threatened to shipwreck my faith but now i'm good to go, soar and conquer.

it's going to be beautiful i assure you. today we already had one of those 'married fights' on whether to put coconut milk in the curry (i refused to have it added). i don't know what the future holds and sometimes it seems intimidating but i've got a good companion for life who is a soulmate, comrade, believer. and a very faithful God.

and that there'll be two pots of curry, of course.

iron will sharpen iron and sometimes i'll sulk and grouch and God forbid, scream. but we'll work it through like we always did. always will by the sheer grace of God and His wisdom. i've often joked that God gave me a woodblock but how not to when He started of as acarpenter. this is not the end product yet and soemtimes he gives me splinters but i must say 'good job!' to my dear Lord Jesus.

he has been everything i asked for and more.

and for you who is of little faith. do not mourn for isaac. God is not done with me.

cny 2008. a year of firsts and lasts.

This particular CNY was unique for many many reasons.

-my last ang pow-collecting new year. and my relatives didn't fail to remind me that. what surprised me was comments such as ..

"remember to bring baby next year so you can still collect ang pow!" (to which i am thinking, marrying in dec, how to churn out baby by feb?)

am actually quite excited about being able to give ang pows. am ok with the idea and will not be one of those who 'escape' to another country to avoid that. hopefully it stays that way.

-i literally ate round the clock coz i was quite very happy. i even participated in the cooking..

i have the best pineapple tarts in town (from baker's well), i loveee abalone and i have many goodies from isaac's mum.=)

mum made delicious 'b*ddh* jumps over the wa11' (surprise!) but since we're chr157ians, we decided to change the name. (lest i offend when pple randomly google)

and i suggested.. ' b jumps over the wa11 and ended up with many balukus" (if you look at him, you'll understand)

name change of dish however was suspended.

-isaac joining us for like every single reunion meal. we had three... praise God. i thought he nearly couldnt make it. grandparents on all sides were very happy to have extra grandson.

can't imagine what my next cny will be like. tryingto get from place to place to place via public transport. having like the number of places to visit thriple( or more!), preparing ang pows etc.

miss mummy already. i wonder if she'll still let me camp home from time to time...

true success

True success is multi-faceted and carry many dimensions and never just
about one person. And any suggestion that it is mutually exclusive
froma loving God who gave salvation through the death of his only son is
from the jeolous one, who is hungry for company in hell.

If there is only a singular dimension, it is a counterfeit and a false
distraction sent from the epitome of pride himself-satan. It keeps our
eyes on us and never on Him when we see Him, we ride on his strength
and being the loving God that he is with his heart full of mankind, it
will always affect others positively and effect change for good. It will
not compromise the interests of others. It will not devalue the
intrinsic intangible aspects of life such as health,joy,peace of mind.

Do not be deceived in this bottom line driven world. The values that
the world offers is very very inferior. All things are possible thru Him.
You can be a success in every area of life because you were destined
for it by virtue of the cross. Just follow Him.

I want to be successful. I have a huge thirst to be successful and I
know I want nothing less than His best. And I've since learnt that his
idea of success always includes a platform to affect lives for good. For
people to have a chance to meet a dimension of Him. Just as the
nature of the true source of success, remember that success is never one
dimensional.

In short, sucess is never about 'me' but 'we'.

lost a screw

past two weeks have been quite a pain to get through and i'm proud and glad to be here standing with a 'v' victory sign!*glee*

and i've realized that God truly does have a sense of humour coz he made me. i want to be sophisticated and cool and no matter how hard i try, turn out to be the exact opposite.

many of you already know the different shoes on different foot and related sagas. the latest is walking around with a comb in my head. the one time i attempted to comb my hair, i forgot to complete the process.

also, i continue to trip over air amongst other things.

**
belle's going back today. i can't say it's back coz thats not home. at least i don't want her to call it home.

it's far away in some ulu part of melbourne, it's almost part of the wildlife reserve. i get sad thinkingabout her alone in some tiny shoebox living amongst the wild animals. i would be so terrified if i see a butterfly or a spider. but she manages well and even cooks for herself. i am very proud of her. i can always count on her to feed people.

my only regret for her most recent visit back to Sg is that i didn't have time to stingray or crab with her or her family. it is her family who hold (fond)memories of me cleaning the crab out ...every morsel of meat so that the crab doesn't die in vain. and this is the familywho always generously feeds me in times past. i haven't eaten a proper stingray since steve irwin died but too late, stingray buddy has gone back and mei ling is just useless in that aspect coz she clears out the sambal and that is just on fun.

besides, belle actually eats slower than mei ling so i have time to eat my fill. enough said.

but i love mei ling too because she makes me laugh and feel better abt myself. belle has said that she can always count on us to still be able to have room in our stomachs at anytime of the day. and that makes me feelbetter becausei feel like in gluttony, there is mei ling for company.

and yesterday when i lay in bed laughing at myself (another strange self indulgent practice) at the silly things i do, ie. end upwalking in centrepoint with different shoes , a thought of mei ling came and i laughed even harder, all by myself and God. my friends bring so much joy.

she used to give tution to little kids because she is so smart andp atient. then once, after tution, she walked down one level fromthe apartment block to the lift landing only to realize she left her shoes at the student's house. so she was happilybarefoot trotting home.

i love my friends. they make me feel good abt myself in different ways.

*names have not been changed to protect privacy.

oh yes, goodbye ah belle. if financial miracle happens, i'll hop over to see you. if it doesn't, fly back for my wedding. i'll kick and scream like a brat if you don't show.<> sorry i was unable ot make more time this time around but i'm thankful for the times we had. =)

**
also, i learnt to cook one dish. so isaac will not need to go hungry and overdose on msg when we get married but can come home to piping hot home cooked food! he doesn't have to starve!! but he'll just have to learn to cope with eating one dish for the rest of the year (until i pick up another one)and the same girl for the rest of his life.

for this i can only exhort him to hold on to the word of God and be strengthened by the might of the Holy Spirit.

"call upon me in the day of trouble and i will deliver you"
"my grace is sufficient for you"

and in conjunction with the latest season of American idol, i conclude by being seacresty...

"OUT!"

Babybjörn Pingpong

my world is too big

i have bever been a good planner. i have never successfully hosted a party or even planned a day well. i'm impatient and i'm the kind who settles for the first possible vendor. not scout around for the best. i just want chop chop fast fast. and i'm being bombarded by suggestions left right center. and i just came back from KL. for once, i'd like to remain in kl.

and now i have to plan the single most important event in my life and it's very very scary.

i wanted a lunch reception buffet thingy and i thought it'll be a small cosy affair that requires coordination not months of meticulous planning. my family assured me that with just less than 10 cousins in total from BOTH sides, things shdbe kept relativelysmall. but small is relative. because apparently i have a lot of relatives (pun fully intended). latest count is *drumrolls* : 250 and counting.

i may have less than 10 first cousins but half of singapore is a 2nd cousin. then we must also adopt a global view and not just invite relatives who are in singaore. but from overseas. *Faints*.

but mum is very reassuring "no problem, still small enough tohave buffet"

so dear folks, i'm going to set the record for the world's longest buffet line at this rate. don't think church camp. think guiness records..because isaac has 10 uncles and aunties on just ONE side and they all have a few chidren each.

maybe i shd make it potluck.

dust

it's 6.17 am and i've been awake for an hour because of a throat infection. it feels like blades in my throat and i'm in great pain. am upset because i feel mocked and defeated. but i'm going to press on for victory and i know it's a matter of time my God does more than silence my oppressors.

on a separate note, i don't know if this is anything close to a quarter-life crisis but when i do a headcount of the people i love and share a deep affinity with, the numbers keep dwindling. and upon that revelation, i get very very sad.

granted, there is more quality gained than quantity lost but i can't help but still ache somewhat. i've been told that this is a natural passage of life as 'people come and go' . if this is true, i'm not getting used to it and i find it so hard to accept.

these days,i'm getting messages from people that i used to be so close to whether in childhood, adolescence or young adulthood that are so indicative of the fact that yes, we've grown apart and yes, it was so good, yes, i missed those times but i'm too lazy to update you about my life. one recently said 'thank you for the childhood memories'. another reaffirmed that i was still cared for and remembered (somewhat) in a special way. everything in past tense. bah!

i don't even know howto feel and vascillate between being comforted that i have the assurance that i was (note: past tense) an integral part in their lives and heartache knowing that these people who shared so much of my life with are now gone.

when these things come all at the same time, i get very very weighed down. i can't help but feel so ...discarded. i understand the demands of our lives and time and that meeting up frequently is impossible. and i'm not asking to be best friends again but what i'd appreciate is that a little update on the impt events in ur life. just so there is a semblance of keeping in touch.yes, all to assuage my insecurity and neuroticsm

perhaps they don't know i still care.

God has a sense of humour...

when He made us friends and now colleagues. it's like sense and no sensibility. obviously i'm sense.

so while pondering about what we should dress up for the company d&d....(btw, the theme is movie night or something like that)

me: let's dress up as characters from...
together: mulan/moulin rouge!!

clearly, despite the same pronunciations for the first word, it's very very far apart lah. it's east and west and they just refuse to meet. you must have a mental image of the whole situation to understand the hilarity of it.

we threw out ideas of being mushu coz its dragon which is super unheavenly creature.(unlike unicorn) and toyed with the idea of being a horse...(the one that mulan takes to battle)..ieshe can be the back of the horse and i'll be the front etc etc.

i hate to say this but i think moulin rouge is more feasible, achievable and we'll eventually end up going with her idea.

*hmphs*

Incase you're wondering..

i survived it. i'm still here.

i'm inhaling in 2008 and exhaled 2007 successfully. i still can't believe it was over. it's so surreal.

it's like the feeling i get when i board a plane. because i lose my bearings mid air and the clouds give no indication to where i really am and neither the plane gives any indication that i'm actually moving FORWARD, i feel so weird when i land on foreign soil and find myself in another timezone.

gulp.

Clay Aiken-Everything i have

The thing about this song is that it doesn't profess vain love with vain grandiose promises but a simple faith that whatever is available is yours.

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have
I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest
I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with youI know there's angels by your side

crossing over

2007 attests greatly to His faithfulness. but i'm ready to bid it farewell.

i didn't think i'd have survived it.

2008 will bear fruition to all the prayers sowed in 2007, testifying to His eternal goodness and faithfulness.

Faithfulness now takes on a new dimension to me. In the past, it has to be the result of constant breakthroughs as and when i wanted them, according to MY timing. today, faithfulness is an undying devotion to me inspite of me. Faithfulness is standing by me, not forsaking me and proving Himself true to me. and i finally learnt that the breakthroughs are only but a by-product and not the epitome of faithfulness.

and i learnt to bide His time, discern His seasons appointed for my life. and that no vain effort of mine shall prevail against His when i live in complete surrender. i can confess and proclaim all i want but if its not time, its not time. and He knows best when to bring about the plans to fruition. I can plan all i want but it'll all be in futility. the best course of action that i've since learnt is to throw it all into His hands and live with all abandon in pure undiluted trust.

i've found myself at places with people that didn't seem right and resisted it with all my might only to realize it is His will and there was a purpose to be accomplished, something good for me to uncover, a special reward from Him awaiting. have been so deceived by what I see i nearly missed out on His plans for me.

i'm ready for 2008. i'm not hiding under my bed this time but i'll be ushering the new year in with my arms raised in thanksgiving and praise. it's been often said that we should count our blessings. i can't do that when i'm enraptured by Him and enveloped in the essence of Him.

i don't know what 2008 spells. for the world, for me. and the only confidence i have is that He'll be there with me and isaac. and that's enough for us.

who remembers this?vitamin C- graduation song (friends forever)

I don't know why this is here. please don't shoot me especially for those of you who are age-sensitive. it's funny and cute and it got me smiling (yes, to myself)


it's almost 2008. listen to this and go back to 1999 for awhile and reflect abit. laugh and have a happy new year!

Here are the lyrics:

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25

(*GAH IT'S NEXT YEAR)
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I Didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And There was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

Chorus:
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?

*(Re: fortune cookie joke)
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

*Repeat chorus*

La, la, la, la; yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la, we will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

merry christmas

the parallels are so uncanny. life has a way of being unoriginal and replaying part of yesterday's scripts in today's scene.

i despise that. i want a fresh new reason to know why inspite of the different factors, the outcome is still the same. i don't want a recycled jumble of excuses to spell my verdict. i'm more than that and i've refuted the same reasons before.

it's finally christmas. christmas this year must be the hardest to reach ever. usually it just flies by and plops me there on christmas morning. this year, i trudged through mountains and crossed plains to reach here only to realise that when you take out of Christmas, which i did because i was so caught up with everything else, that it is really an empty meaningless excuse to be home.

i feel like my heart is worn out by weariness and i marvel at how i'm still here. my soul is so shredded by setbacks and empty words that i'm just ready to collapse and once again, take the first flight out at the earliest notice.

i'm tempted to blame me again but today i see another side of the picture. that not everything is about me, even the problems. and strangely inspite of the problems and the lack of resolution, i feel a deep relief that is just exhilarating. like i've been set free from an inner prison.

entertaining random thoughts to go and be God's lone-ranger warrior princess. the only claim i have to this island is now all but a pink identity card. a faded card. my ties are cut so loose i'm ready to fly. i'm all for flying but only with the purpose of finding somewhere to call home, take root and settle. not fly around aimlessly. i want meaning. i don't want this going around in circles of head any step more in this journey to nowhere. i want a destination. life might be about enjoying the journey but i need more than a pitstop. and if i can't find my way home, i want to make a home.

and home should be where i'm appreciated, celebrated and welcomed. i have a vague idea of what that is. i've had it.

21st december

21st december
this day holds a lot to me. nothing special or spectacular but many years ago, i decided that the sound of 'twenty first' goes well with the sound of 'december' on my tongue and decided to 'adopt' the day .

so, since 2000, i tried to make the day special for me. from planning parties that flopped big time to just having precious 'me' time or 'us' time, i always tried. I also take time to do a yearly inventory check on my life on this day. to me, this is the point in the roller-coaster ride that you hang vicariously on top before you roll downwards at superfast speed and end the ride. The ensuing 11 days before the year ends will fly by and i'll find myself at the start of the queue all over again, waiting to start a new ride.

this year i didn't expect it so spend it like this. for the uninitiated, i've had a week of MC. don't feel sorry for me because good came out of it. although i felt drained and its been said that theres not a hint of color in my face and i was literally gasping for breath, God had me. i was God's captive audience and He had my full attention. whether i was concious /unconcious, i pretty much spent it in bed. a short walk from room to kitchen left me quite breathless. apart from going to the doc's, i haven't been out of the house since sunday. today i tried to get some fresh air and sun..and i returned green in the face.

yes, 21st december. 2007 has brought me to places i've never been and could never imagine being. i don't know how and when exactly it happened but i found myself here and i'm thankful.i know 2008 holds so much more and i'm excited but scared that i'm not ready for it. that it'll be too much for me. i'll need so much more wisdom (from managing my time, relationships, money and health).i'll need to know so much more, learn even more at a faster rate and when the world is in a whirl, i gotta close my eyes and allow myself to be teleported to his heavenly throne to find grace in time of need.

this year, i've taken the plunge from heights i've never ventured and found myself soaring on His wings, taking me further into the sun. i've had my disappointments, pains and by God's grace moved on. i've allowed myself to die manytimes more than any other year, to my own ambitions, my own inhibitions and my own rights.

most of all i confronted the reality that i lived 24 years. and i'm ready to emerge from His quiver and head for the bull's eye. the sharpening has been painful and long but now i'm good to go. my heavy weights that tie me down to lesser things are dropped and i'm good to go.

last night i had a dream and i was young again, a sprightly (stupid) teenager again at the threshold of her life. i struggled again, laughed again, loved again, squealed again. then i woke up to being 24 and i realized that i can stop blaming me. that even though empowered with the prerogative of history, i couldn't stop myself from going through that journey and making those specific choices i often count as regret.

given that level of wisdom at that time, i did the best i could. maybe the journey was ordained- but this i can't verify until the last day. whatever it is, now i can heave a sigh of relief and be at peace with myself. coz i revisited the 'me' then, had a chance to do it all over again and didn't do it differently because apart from God, i just didn't know better.

i suspect God allowed that dream for me to reconcile with 'me'. so that i'll be less harsh on my foolishness and see that inspite and despite, He prevailed as the Saviour, master and nothing, not even my foolishness can interfere with His plan for my life

postponed, indelible.

i can almost see 2008. i promised myself to savour the last bits of 2007. i think i have to change that to savour the last weekends of 2007. at least unlike previous job, i don't have to work on weekends.

was telling the favourite colleague that i need a break and will probably take some leave to have some 'me' time in Jan. either just a breather to recharge or duck away for a quick holiday. don't ask me why i said 'duck away'. same reason why i call nutcases nutcrackers.

then over the course of the TWO ensuing days after the 'i need a break' comment, i have had emails/phonecall and various other miscelleneous stuff falling from god-knows-where and locking dates into my 2008 JANUARY calendar.

now, i can't find a decent empty pocket of time to take a break.

next break scheduled: march 2008.
**

as it is, i'm already anti-social and reclusive. lately, i've been reminded of many unpleasant 'people' experiences and i just suddenly want to retreat from civilization.

it's been said too often to not place your expectations of people but on God. coz He's the only one that can't fail you and don't be too surprised when people do. but who on this earth can simply have no expectations ?nothing minimal?

i'm guilty of failing too many expectations myself. in every role.

ie. you'd expect that friend to care. that friend to stay in touch. that friend to ask. that friend to remember and that friend to not break a promise.

and it doesn't happen. and then you wonder why and conjure up all sorts of reasons to explain it. and the only time you stop wondering is when you have 1)amnesia 2) you've written the person off and lost all hope.

i don't want to be a cynic. i just want the peace of mind knowing that yes, while i might feature no where in your life anymore or have a reduced importance, we had glorious days of fun and laughter. and be grateful for your presence in my life, albeit in a history that can only be accessed by memory. therefore, no mind games to wonder why 1) i had to hear about your wedding when your mother invited through my mother. 2) you are aloof 3) you don't bother 4) when i realized that i never realized that a year into the 'new' phone, i still don't have your number.

your future and present will not feature me. and i don't even have the honor of an eulogy to be marked in your hall of fame. but my name, it'll be there when the credits roll. i will be the artefact of a history that is celebrated but uncontactable. an indelible memory. unless alzheimer/amnesia strikes. (hurhur)

it doesn't take physical death to bid farewell. its the unsaid goodbyes that are truly tragic. whether it's a missed opportunity or completely unrealized. relationships transcend beyond time and space and even death. it's the demise of a friendship that was once so glorious and the divorce of knitted souls that require true mourning. and yet nobody ever does, even when resurrection is not a promise.

Star awards 25th year.

my mum is expressing deep regret for making me learn piano when i had clearly zero interest instead of singing. because while watching some star awards show, she just realized that i can sing themesongs of drama serials as far back as 1984.i cannot be more than a year old then.i remember EVERY single line of the lyrics. (somewhat) i also don't know how.

so, if anyone wants to duet the Unbeatables (FIRST INSTALMENT ONLY), you know the number.

**

i seem to be echoing another friend but i'm very tired. i can't even see the soonest possible time i can actually take a break.

and i still struggle with pretty much the same problems with work thoughts haunting me through what's supposed to be my sleeping hours.

am most desperate for a break. for a breakthrough.

i don't know how much of this i can take.

Grey

it's the strong themes. and the magic in every line that cuts into my soul.

i have nothing in common with any character. i'm not supposed to be able to relate to them but somehow i do. I probably am more similar to Phoebe of Friends that any other character I even know. or as Facebook says, Chandler.=/

anyways, the bottom line is i'm hooked to Grey's anatomy. It makes me think. hard.

Evidences of You

I feel your breath in the gust of wind
I see expressions of your blessings in the heavy afternoon shower
I see the sun, a shadow of your glory
In the thunder, I catch a glimpse of your majesty
In the snow, I remember your redemption

Remember me this way

i'm trying to figure out why and make sense of things.

So many obstacles hold a desire hostage. And i don't have what it takes to pay a ransom. It's a promise issn't it? so why.

Sometimes i don't know how i end up where i am. maybe it was a combination of impulse, guts and just a drive that spurs me on endlessly, i find myself thrusted strongly with directions and no destination in sight.

i just go on and on. and i refuse to stop either. it's either i take a different or i just keep going on until i arrive. what its decided is that i can never be a different me.

i'm tempted to take time, lock myself up and cry. but that's too much of an indulgence in the flesh that i can't afford. i love throwing pity parties that lead to nowhere but further into the pit of delusion.

thought about death in the light of the tragic accident in cambodia that claimed 5 lives. 5 promises. 5 ...

it's not morbid. it's sombreing. if life ended tmr, what legacy will i leave? how will you remember me? i've decided i'd rather fade into oblivion in any memory that be stalled in a hall of fame of 'insignificants, notorious, just plain loony'.

I'm thinking of possibilities and judging from various sources, this is probably how it'd go :

you'll remember me to be the one who made you insanely happy then made you insane.
you'll remember me as the friend, possibly the only friend you'll ever have who can eat as much as you.
you'll remember me as the friend who whines, has strange moodswings.
you'll remember me for breaking your heart.
you'll feel guilty at the thought of me. because you were a meano.
you'll remember me for not keeping a promise. that i forever let you down.
you'll remmeber me for a shared childhood of sleepovers, giggles and sharing secrets of various crushes.
you'll remember me for being the reclusive daughter.
you'll remember that i don't mince words. yes is yes, no is no.
you'll remember being embarassed by my 'antics' that i call behaviour programmed into my dna
you'll remember that i'm the least tech savvy person in this generation.
you'll remember my secrets. and seeing through my soul, led you to a land of both rainbows and darkness.
and you you you will go huh?who? at the mention of me.


and because of the above. so i've decided, i'd write my own epitaph, my own eulogy and nominate someone to read it. and never go dragon boating.

a hesitatant prize fighter, still trapped within my youth

having trouble switching off my mind regarding work and it's making me admitting that i'm not as dynamic as i'd like to think i am.

my personal life and various other matters require a lot more attention and spring cleaning. including my walk with God which seems to be the richest in lonesome hotel rooms/planes. that should not be the case.

i've been feeling quite PIT i ful lately. like im somewhere in the doldrums of life because so much just keeps happening at a pace that i can't keep up. i want to crawl to his lap and seek refuge but even that is like an ascent up mount everest.

where i am now is very lonesome and no one seems to understand or even be available to. i don't know why its so hard for me to communicate or why i'm so hard to fathom. i would like to think i'm as transparent as can be and yet, empathy or a soul-knit is so hard to find.

the desires of my heart have also taken a backseat. they occupy my conciousness and haunt me down but yet , the high obstacles entrenched in the journey of their fruition is wearing me down. i feel like my soul is sandpapered at every turn and i'm emotionally and physically drained.

these days, my idea of a holiday is to hole up somewhere in absolute solitude to catch up on sleep and shut the world out. and when i wake up, i'd order room service and dine with my beloved King. before going back to sleep.

**
As I travel and see the weariness and dead stares that seem to be perpetuated everywhere in every corner and street, it speaks of the silent cry for a deliverance that can only come with Jesus.

there is so much need that CAN be met because provision has been made. there's so much more to this life. there's so much in store. but what are we chasing down and selling our souls to? i used to relate with much animousity regarding certain cities i visit. i detest everything from the bad traffic, the rude people and the high crime rate. but somehow, now, i see a city lost and its weighing so heavy on my soul.

isaac has commented that i have the something that makes people pour our their life stories to me within like a few hours of knowing me. or even less. and i don't know why coz sometimes it makes me uncomfortable and i'veknown you for an hour and you start bawling and crying and i start praying and etc etc.

i remember the colleague who poured out her problems on my first day of work in a previous job. a stranger about her personal difficulties on the train. etc. now they're all friends. instantly.

i used to lament about it and wonder why but i guess now its a privileged position. people are starving for a listening ear. a friend. some attention. and i know what its like to live without. so to be able relieve that in bustling city of activity that only encourages loneliness is a privilege. however, ironically, i've never been able to do that. to just release except to a selected few. and even then, i scream inside but can't be heard.

difficult

i'm dusting cares of the fragments of my heart so that i can give it to You again.

i see a big boulder and i don't know how to proceed. but You said 'remove all obstruction from my people' so i'll wait for Your word to come to pass.

the frustrations and cares and overwhelming and honestly there's not much of me left. i hold on to what little i know of You and ask that You expand the horizon of my perspective so i can see. Light my steps so that i walk in the path You ordained.

thank God for prayers of the saints and precious friends and family. and of course, my most faithful best friend and confidante, who soldiers on with me everyday in prayer, unceasingly-isaac. he's the epitome of the 'more than you can ask or imagine'.

i don't even know how to pray. i stopped praying for the boulder to disappear-evaporate,sublime whatever. i also stopped praying for deliverance coz deep down i know that i'm where i should be. now i just pray that i have the grace to react right. to conquer with grace and dignity. to stand tall and proud knowing He stands with me.

another rainy day
i can't recall having sunshine on my face
all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk ot of this place
but when i am suck, i can't move
when i don't know what i should do
when i wondr if i'll ever make it through

but i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising your name
you're the one that's keep my heart beating
i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising Your name
that's the only way i'll find healing

Can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
i gotta keep singing
oh you're everything i need
and i gotta keep singing

Mercy me-gotta keep singing

impulses

2 cds- mercy me and steven curtis chapman.
2 pairs of havaianas- i call this doing a 'cali'.
insane urge to go toiletries shopping. buying insane amounts of shampoo, sniffing my way throuh every bottle.
insane urge to just book a plane ticket to anywhere
tiramisu
fatigue

my stress indicators.

homesick

i close my eyes and i see your face

if home is where the heart is then i'm out of place

Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

i've never been more homesick than now

mercy me

where do i begin?

plans changing in a split second. moods changing just as fast. confusion. fog. fatigue. joy. satisfaction. fulfilment. frustration. helplessness. hope. gratitude. dread.

that pretty much sums up my week.

in desperate need for a miracle. empathy. understanding and love. most of all, i need to know what He is thinking about all this so that I can act accordingly.

this week i've had three full days of rich delicious food- a result of entertaining guests from sweden. however, i'm feeling spiritually bankrupt because of the schedule and mounting frustration from various other sources,i haven't had time to get to Him or even let Him steal a moment with me. He shdn't be stealing any moments. He shd be given all attention. but i haven't allowed that at all and hence today i really broke.

i called two friends and isaac and poured it all out. it was a vomitting purging session.I really felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i am upset because i love it all so much but just because of that ONE factor, i can't fully enjoy my work and maximise effectiveness because i feel simply harassed. it's like a thorn in the flesh. all else is fine and i'm contented, even working through the hiccups but everytime i think i muster up enough grace to face the situation, it's like being thrown dung in the face and i lose it. all over again.

call me oversensitive but this is my threshold and i can't change it. i really detest and abhor the lack of respect i'm given as a female counterpart. i am thoroughly incensed by the fact that it is assumed that i'm an exception to respect. i want to put my foot down and say i am not. infact, i thought i did but apparently my message clearly flew over the hayfilled skull.

i don't know how else and i'm at my wits end. i don't want to let one person rob my joy and peace but i really have nothing left in me to even just 'ignore' or 'forget it'. i dread the reactions when i voice out my dissent.

tell me how?

flying daggers

There has been such a growing list of people to forgive of late.

Vindication can be one of the hungriest, most destructive ppetites we possess. Vindication is rooted in demanding our rights and justice for the wrongs done to us. But God says, " Vengeance is Mine". Itis His right, and it will cost us dearly to try helping Him out. When we do, God backs away from the sitution and lets us handle things in our own fleshly, accusatory ways. Unknowingly, we are actually coming into agreement with satan and hindering ourselves from experiencing the intimacy of Father's embrace. When we decide we had better do something to help God straighten others out, we are definitely in need of God helping us.

-Jack Frost- Experiencing Father's Embrace.

" To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil fr evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; f you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing."

1 Peter 3: 8-9

I'll let what's yours remain yours. Sorry for trying to defend me, who is your charge too. While you're out fixing these crooked hearts , please remove the daggers from my back and keep me from attacking them from the front with spears.

there we go, mutual effort.

You promised a blessing when I choose to respond with forgiveness and grace. You know what this will cost me. Help me remember what I cost you- Your son on a cross. I really don't understand your Fatherhood enough. I really don't believe 100% that You'll be my shield and I have to guard my own interests. Remove all that obstructs the truth once again.

I value nothing more, not even my own vested interests than this relationship. I want to live it as it was meant to be and not try to be You. Even if your appointed time for vindication is not the same as mine. Give me the grace to respond right.

I'll still let you continue to run the show. Afterall, every David had a Saul. Every Joseph a 'band of brothers'.

Switchfoot - Gone

loved the song. but i love the homemade video by these rookies even more.

so cute.but don't miss the message behind the song though

wardrobe is not bursting..

i was complaining to myself (and isaac) that i have no clothes to wear. esp tops. and its so hard to buy clothes now coz everything decent is so expensive and designers don't seem to realize the very real phenomenon of global warming and keeps featuring THICK heavy clothes in their collections.

so then tadah

i found a shop to acquire tops and went crazy there. bought like 6. then mum, not knowing i just did went ahead to buy like 5 more for me.

so now i won't be complaining that i have no tops to wear.

just bottoms maybe. or bags. or dresses. or shoes.

1 girl rebellion

communicating in silence
we speak volumes

Isaiah 63:10But they turned on him; they grieved his Holy Spirit. (The Message)

rebellion grieves Him. rebellion involves me knowing His way and insist on going another, wilfully. rebellion is not passive. it very actively opposes the stated will. and, i'm guilty as charged.

i've always had a rebellious streak thinking if i push hard enough for anything, fight long enough, i'll get my way. i operated with an unofficial license to oppose anything that i didn't take fancy to and did the very thing He didn't want, knowing these things do violnce to my soul.

Having paid the price, i've since toned down. today, the only difference is that i struggle to not fight, not push and let Him have His way. it's hard for me to submit. very hard.

maybe it's a too deeply rooted insecurity that makes it hard for me to trust anyone/anything. maybe i'm too arrogant and trust me better. maybe, it's just a by-product of a fallen nature. it doesn't matter. i just want it crucified and live in total surrender.

i remember my parents (my mum mostly) having the hardest times dealing with my rebellious streak. if i don't agree with her way, there's no way she's going to get me to obey or compromise. to me, there is simply no middle ground and i'll fight tooth and nail to get what i want. in this fierce battle, there have been many casualties.

i liked to swim very much when i was younger. loved the water/sea. and then she came along and told me to swim and i just had to oppose that. sulk/gripe endlessly when she wanted me to swim. i felt like there was an agenda besides me enjoying myself. back then, it was to make me healthier and alleviate the asthma but i didn't care. it was not a valid reason. only my having fun was.

and this is just one example out of countless others.

while things are much better today and i see really no point in rebelling, either that or i've jaded and worn out myself and every other, i still from time to time find myself trying to center everyone and everything around ..me.

and when self usurps the throne of God in my heart, i find my world in complete disarray. at the end of the day, i'd rather let Him rule when my destiny is at stake. while my heart is taking its time to be aligned with His, i'll let obedience be my guiding light. in a world that's not my home, where my bearings are often lost in a whirl of confusion, i dare not lean on any earthly understanding (even my own). i don't want to waste a single breath He has given but i don't know how to truly live. because in His own words, life is much more than material pleasures , more than anything my depraved mind can currently comprehend.

until enlightenment hits, i can only imagine.

i cannot do without You.

Wilber Pan - 路太弯 Lu Tai Wan

5 stars for the voice. feels like tiramisu

if you like rojak, you'll like this post

invitation for home cooked meal that will not make you fat

when you come home after a tiring day at work, a warm hot meal really works wonders to your soul. at my house, you can expect the entire opposite. hence, grumpy me. if you don't want to overeat for dinner, let me know. i'll invite you over to dinner and taste my mum's cooking. all of you have heard it often, don't take my word for it.

try it for yourself.

**
volunteers to watch movie wanted
really want to watch Lust caution. esp so when its lee hom's first flick and i heard and read so much abt how amazing tony leung was. really showcased the best of his acting. i remember the soulfulness and depth in infernal affairs, 2046, heroes etc. and those really piqued my interest for Lust caution.

also, the romance and intrigue of an espionage film that was originally a novel is like a sure formula to arouse my interest. especially when it is trying to communicate an underlying message and is history personified.

**
plea for technology to slow down

i really struggled at the following junctures in life
-when the internet came about and became a regular feature in regular lives
-when 'alamak chat' was introduced and everyone in class was meeting there after school
-when everyone moved to IRC after i finally learnt how to use various commands to 'emote' in 'alamak chat'
-when everyone moved to ICQ when i finally even downloaded IRC
-when everyone moved to MSN and i had only a handful of friends on ICQ (i'll be forever thankful they stayed on. i was later told they only kept icq for me. because it was the only way to contact me)
-when everyone raved about friendster (i caught on when the fever died down. before that, i was pretending to be too cool for it)
-and now that friendster is well on track..YOU ALL ARE DOING THE FACEBOOK THING! (why?!!?) i managed to evade multiply but there was no hiding from facebook. it is a phenomenon. and even so, it was cali who set up the whole thing for me. to this date, i still struggle to throw a sheep. BAH!
-when i started this blog. ok cali set it up for me also. all i had to do was type and click 'publish post'
-when you all moved ahead and entered the realm of MP3. to this date, isaac rips cds and transfers music for me.

please slow down. for my sake. i'll stand up to facebook but no more after that ok?

change is not the only thing that's constant

i still hate butterflies
i still hate insects
i'm still not a morning person
i still have a very low threshold for pain (physical or otherwise)
i'm still a stubborn unicorn
i still talk a lot. (some pple dispute that, they say i talk even more)
i still laugh like an ah beng
i still like hello kitty
i still speak my mind all the time. its called thinking aloud
i still trip over imaginary pop up tiles.
i still am allergic to technology
same what?!

letting

let your cross define my life
let your will be the centre of mine
let my soul love and thrive
let my heart be your shrine

let our desires be in sync
let your promises be all i cling
let my no be no, yes be yes
let me surrender all my cares

let your spirit have its way
let me give all the say
let my words be very few
uttered only to glorify you

let your rest in me reside
let me in your love abide
let my all rest on your altar
let your wings be my shelter

DON'T let me go.

Memories

ok these things seriously make me cry and dry up. a song written by a man deeply in love with his wife of over 2 decades. and i had the honor of hearing it live.

i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life was a mystery
there's no place on earth we'd rather be

moving up, goin through some changes
storing up the memories
then you gave me the light of my life
i always gave the best that i could give

sometimes it never seemed like enough
but we never quit when the going got tough

do you remember the way it used to be
never counting the cost it was a matter of trust
covenant cut were lovers for life
i still bear the scars do you still carry the knife (haha)

i remember the days of my life
i recall the faces mostly yours
magic moments life's still a mystery
there's no place on earth that we'd rather be

this is my life and i'm passing on my memories

**
attended a beautiful wedding today and i just cried and cried. by now i'm sure all are convinced God has a private cellar of tears in heaven reserved solely for me.

just as it is often widely preached that love is a decision, i think to withdraw the love is also a decision. and both aren't easy.

i think it is a miracle of heaven today that i witnessed when a man and woman become one in heaven's eyes. sometimes when i see myself walking down the never-ending aisle , resplendent in a glory that cannot be earthly and i see Jesus at the end of the line waiting. this image has replayed itself a thousand times in my mind but i'm always walking down the aisle.

i know He is waiting in anticipation but i need so much grace just to finish the course and finish it well. i'll run the race not only for the prize. wait for me.i'll get there.

**

the mending and uncle david

blade of lies
cuts like knives
tears the flesh
merciless lash

forget the fallen things
let Him mend your broken wings
find grace at His throne
for that is your Home
find strength to release
in forgiving, find peace

there is a gift
your father has lovingly prepared
precious, genuine and rare
a prince with a heart after His
to share life with you and eternal bliss

his heart you will inhabit
there'll be a heavenly deposit
of His love for you in him
to love you right
his heavenly bride

He'll turn your ashes to beauty
you'll be free
from this hurt and pain
in earthly losses you'll find heavenly gain

i've been there,
so don't despair
He never fails, even when they do
His heart is still full of you

so rejoice as He bottles your tears
soon your mourning will turn to joy
His love will sublime your fears
then get ready
to meet that boy

for my friend who broke her heart today. don't bother picking up the shattered bits. get a new heart.

**

on a lighter note,

mum: wah, that david's son writes very well.
me: which david?who's david's son?
mum: solomon lor!

yes, my mum talks like we know him very well. oh, and solomon too. we're this close to calling him sol for short.

i-post:setting the record

i really want our lives to be a stirring testament that will inspire others to follow Jesus. I know on my own, with tantrums and shortcomings, i might cause others to backslide bearing the name of Jesus. but i pray they see beyond me and His hand upon our lives and be drawn to His goodness and boundless love for them.

i don't want to regret anything. at least, not anymore.

i don't want to waste a single breath of my life and live life merely existing. it's too much of a price that Jesus paid and i can't bring myself to back down.

i know i can't stop the detractors from pouring cold water. so i'm trying to rehabilitate/cocoon my faith and keep it safe. incubate it and grow it in this world that's not my home.

wishlist

wishlist:

to be able to take a few months of work with a huge enough budget to travel around with isaac before kids appear. after i get married of course.
and i don't want to stay in anything budget. especially for certain places, minimum is 4 stars.

places include
-shanghai (again)
-hongkong(again)
-israel (i've been waiting for so long for this one)
-US (north carolina, New York and go visit niagara falls, grand canyon etc)
-canada (to ski!)
-Korea (again)
-japan(again but i want to include hokkaido this time)
-malacca (don't ask why.maybe because i sorta descended from there and i'm sucker for anything rich in history)
-NZ (not auckland because i'm already gg there for work.maybe like wellington to see geysers and take in nature)
-adelaide (because melb, syd and brisbane has been a regular feature in my passport)
-norway (aurora lights)
-italy (venice and i'll even drink coffee when i'm there!)
-france ( actually i'm not that keen on this one)

ok actually now a quiet afternoon to watch my detective dramas will do.and that said, i know the moment i start packing, i'll be too tired to go anywhere.

growing apart

sometimes growing up is synonymous with growing apart.

was thinking about that today and i just can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. because now work takes up so much of our time. because now we spend our precious weekends sleeping instead.

and its sad we're catching up at such a tragic frequency and we have to rely on email/sms/msn. its really hard to create soulmates at this age. when you miss your window of opportunity to find soulmates in your teens,you pretty much missed it altogether. and now, the struggle is to maintain them and continue growing together.

you used to finish my sentences
read me like a book
know what i'll order at the cafe
think i hate coffee
think all i drink is pokka green tea

now the cafe is gone
and the old me buried.
now
we have trouble recognizing each other on the streets
and i feel like a stranger to you
you don't know what i've become
and i don't know what you've turned into

there is an awkwardness when we agree to meet
we set no date
yet we continue to pass each other by
on the same street

i don't know how to begin updating you on the years in between
the struggles and how i was forced to grow up.
i don't know if i can bear to hear your story
knowing it was without me

it took a moment to be friends
it took years to be strangers
fermenting through the years
and now we're vintage

we couldn't imagine life without each other
now i don't even know your number
we know we were wrong
we strain to reach the high notes
but we always finish the song

you'll get married without me there
i won't be your kid's godmother
we will never catch 'friends' and soccer together
i hope you remember me in your prayers (i do)
there'll be so much we will never share
again

i thought of you on the way home today
and i felt a stab of pain
knowing we'll separately grey
knowing it's impossible
to be who we were again

perfect sense

i just came back from what i affectionately termed as the international HQ of houseflies yesterday and i am still very tired. like sleep until cannot wake up to eat kinda tired.

(i make perfect sense)

i really like being home. travellings very tiring-its like living 2 days in 1. even though i get more sleep than usual it doesn't seem like it. or maybe because its mooncake festival...that's why i'mso tired.

(i make perfect sense)

the next week ahead is going to be very busy as i only have effectively two work days. will be on course on 3 days and that means i have to cram one week's work in 2 days. i'm never signing up for courses again. forget upgrading.

(i make perfect sense)

i'm fantasizing about a time in the future (hopefully not too far away when i take leave)
-wake up in time for lunch
-lunch
-watch coldcase on tv or any either detective show since cold case is dvdless (there's a story behind this)
-spend time with God (actually this shd come first before anything else before my brain is fried by drama)
-dinner
-sleep

( i make perfect sense)

all in all

a few of you have been with me through this very bad weekend. possibly one of the worst ever with the confusion and heartache. Thank you. but it had a better end than the start.

i am probably slower to break good news than bad news but God intervened today. actually the intervention started as soon as the occurence but i was too blind to see. today, it was spectacular because a stranger decreed it from the pulpit and reduced any attempt at a strong front to tears as molten love washed over and forgiveness was exchanged.isn't our God wonderful?Thanks for prayers and love.

Not that things are totally resolved and everything is back on track but there is just a lot of healing and peace through it all. and i'm not even surprised because yesterday, i just had this peace that truly surpassed all understanding and even I was surprised. not that it didn't hurt. but the knowing that it's all going to work out for His good and that He is in charge was stronger. and the strength it gave helped me to course through the choppy waters of life.

when God meets me like this, i'm blown away. it feels like my spirit took on wings and ascended so far beyond nothing on this earth can hold me down. the lightness in my spirit elevates what was weighing on my heart. how not to be sold out for a loving God like that?

life is somewhat like a ladder with only ropes for rungs. it's so hard to maintain your balance when you don't even know if the ladder is steady. all it takes is a huge gust of wind or some turbulence to throw us off as we try to ascend.

thankfully, I have Jesus to show me how to walk the ladder. He did it standing straight up and he did it on his knees. all i have to do is emulate even when my flesh is wrestling against it. And in the garden of gesthmane when his mind was begging him to take the path of least resistance, Jesus showed me that balance comes truly from what i'd refer to as 'guts' and not from my head. and then theres the strength that propels me to defy gravity and beyond because He held the ladder.

thank you for holding the ladder for me. give me the guts to keep climbing the challenging ladder you have placed infront of me. and help me remember that no matter how many times i flip and fall over or fall, all of my life is by your design.


be back on the 22nd.

the vain, the hungry and the inspired speaks.

"Planned abandonment doesn't mean walking away from something that is difficult or isn't working anymore. Planned abandonment means choosing between the good and great, between better and best. It means you are able to say no to all that glitters and discern what truly shines. Once you understand the difference, you are on your way to fulfilment"

Laurie Beth Jones, Jesus Life Coach-Learn from the Best

Jesus gave up the mundane (as a carpenter) to follow the path that was Hisalone. Help me to follow the path that is mine alone...

**

me (to colleague/friend): hey!try to read my mind!what am i thinking now?!?
-was about to reward her with some banana cake that she offered to me in the first place if she got the answer right-
colleague/friend-after a bit of thought-: chicken rice!!

and she wasn't wrong. =/

**
Contrast

vanity speaking:

Dear Lord,

fix my hair. zap my zit. flatten my eyebags. help me to unflab. Remember you said i'm bride of Christ and not bride of Frankenstein? no blemish, spot or wrinkle!!!-wailssss-

Incorruptible spirit:

Dear Lord,

more of You for me and more of me for You this day. take my eyes off me so and help me focus on what truly matters-You. Help me to forget my imperfections and behold you, the truly eternal one and the epitome of beauty.

develop in me a beautiful spirit, without blemish,spot or wrinkle as you prepare me as a bride of Christ.

you always win lah

i had a 3-4 day old headache which had me writhing in pain one morning with the pain stretching from the top of my head all the way to my shoulder.

never had it this bad.

then in church, preacher announced that there was a battle going for my mind and hence the headaches.

there. i have the answer, the solution, the healing all at once. how awesome.

but it's only today that i felt i really broke through inspite of the strong fatigue. felt like i came out of some huge battle that i didn't even fight but its just plain exhausting.

praise God. i actually feel like i have ownership of my mind now coz during the headache episodes, i actually felt like i was downloading thoughts and images from two different realms; one extremely dark and one extremely bright and i felt myself vascillating what many would simply term as 'moodswings'. i just felt great despair and then a peace and so on and so forth.

yay.

score board:

Jesus-1, enemy-0

my Jesus beat the devil with two sticks.

laid to rest

the trouble about life is that you only get that one chance to live it.

there's no second try or '' if i were to live all over again, i wouldn't have done this/would have done that." i can't explain the ache away, the ache that comes with regrets and shame.

that's what makes every decision made today so precious because it affects tomorrow and in sometimes, all eternity.

some 11 years ago, i made a decision to give my life to Jesus (my first love)
some 10 years ago, i thought i fell in love for the first time. (it was just a crush and i got over it in a heartbeat. )
some 7 years ago, i thought i really fell in love for the first time. (i got over it. by the sheer grace of God. until i obeyed, i couldn't honestly say He was still my first love then.)
some 4 years ago, i really fell in love this time. (by the sheer grace of God, i'm still in it)
some time in between, i put my eyes on me /him instead of Him
just now, i remembered why He put us together and the burning desire we share for His cause and Him and repented.

i want it right. right being the way He wants it. not the way that seems right. not just merely but entirely, Jesus-glorifying way.

there's no room for correction to alter the past. the past is inked in permanence-for the disobedience, the wrong decisions, the wilfulness. thank God i still have the unwritten future and the blood of Jesus , strength for today and hope for tomorrow.

life grew as i grew. life became bigger than just me, a wider expanse of a borderless horizon. and because of that, the glaring blots of mistakes of yesterday pales in comparison to the endless possibilities of glory of tomorrow.

wowee

a few weeks ago, i was suddenly turned on to 'teen challenge' and started reading up alot about it. including the founder david wilkerson's most famous book 'the cross and the switchblade'.

and the next thing i know, his diciple and the diciple's jewish wife appears at my church with the presence of God to deposit something so precious into us.

God really orchestrates this very well. nowadays, he gets me crazy obsessed about something and lo and behold, its before my eyes. i wonder where all this is leading to...

as we worshipped with the jews the past few days, i was just so overwhelmed with a glimpse of what could possibly be on God's heart. to see His ancient people and His gentile bride worship together under one banner of love is something no one ever thought possible say a few decades back. now we're coming full circle and there's a mighty reconciliation.

i can't wait for more.

to be His hands and feet

"one of the major problems now facing Kenya is the number of orphans that roam the streets of the city. In fact, Andrew ministered in a church on Sunday in another slum and they had over50 little kids in the church. These little chldren crowded around him at the end of the service so that they could touch his hair and feel his skin. Several of them even attempted to lick his hands to see if he was any different from themselves. The little chilren were fascinated with Andrew because up till then, they had never come into contact with a chinese person.

We just felt like God had sowed a seed inside of us to love the unloved and to care for the downtrodden and abandoned. We believe that God is giving us the opportunity to be His hands and His feet to touch the ones that desperately need a touch from HIm and to walk in the places where He wants to manifest His presence in.

In the midst of the comfort and affluence that we see here everyday, may we never forget that there's a world of the poor, the fatherless and those in desperate need of His love to whom the Lord is sending us to"

church bulletin -mission's report for the week.

i'm not there yet. i'm not where i can say "here i am, send me''. die flesh, die. die self-interest die.

taking off

2 days into september. i don't even want to count how far we are into 2007. i still remember ushering in the new year as if it was yesterday. where did time go and how did i end up here?

i don't want to ask what next?learning to take each day at a time and focusing on the goal. i'm learning stamina and perseverance and i think its the hardest lesson to date, besides module trust 1101.

if i look, there's something to celebrate everyday. there's Jesus in between the lines. i don't even have to look externally at times. sometimes i just tune in and there He is.

i feel like my hunger will never be met and i don't dare to ask for more. these days i get so desperate to make contact with God , it becomes a driving force. i can't just merely function and go through the motions anymore. it's my daily dose or a wacko.

i feel like there's a volcano erupting deep within my spirit. just waves of molten love spilling over to all my being. it's frightening especially because then i lose complete control of myself but the assurance that you can trust what's taking control is out of this world.

i better get ready for rain. for this little heart to be right ground for Him to share His heart and His plans. for His whispers.

rain is coming. in a moment's notice, i'll be taking flight.

then, don't watch this space. watch Him and there i'll be.

simply awesome.

Delirious? (Our God Reigns)

lyrics

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.
100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.
Yes he reigns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,

But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees.

meanie

i'm not feeling particularly kind. unlike my usual full of goodness self.(yes, don't worry its a joke)

now... like now, i think there's more beauty in my eyebags and zit under my eye and bloaty face than any so called inner beauty.forget inner beauty. beauty is not even skin deep. it is floating somewhere in outer space.

yes, i'm meanie for the day. it's like the whole world owes me a living and God needs to rapture me now!

POUT

when fear and faith collide

watched ''face the giants'' today. floodgate of tears ensued. not surprisingly of course.

life is really so much more than some one dimensional frivolous short-term goal (my life at least). and i hate it when other voices try to tell me otherwise. to sum it up most cryptically , life is about inhaling and exhaling Jesus. and all that He exhorted. to listen, to obey, to enjoy.

some people think i'm trying to lose touch with them. i don't know how to dispute that. it 's not entirely true (which means there's truth) but i can't share my burdens with you. i can't just work for money. if it's going to be all me that i work for, then i won't be able to last long.

unlike you. money is my servant and i refuse to let it take the lead and be my master. not now, not ever. i can't share anything with you of me lest you trample on it with condescension. you don't understand at all when i die inside watching the homeless man sleep under the bridge. or the old lady collecting cardboxes.

but money is not my enemy. it is my bridge to reach the disenfranchised, the poor. singapore can paint whatever beautiful picture it wants to and brush the lower strata of society under the carpet but i'm not going to walk on that carpet and pretend they're not there.

we're praying. but when its Your agenda above ours, i know You will cause it to come to pass. you know what we want to do. you know why we came in partnership. so use us. we already came so far. bring us all the way

when God is my partner, I have no choice but to dream big. looking in the face of my giants of fear of failure and a broken esteem in the eye knowing that when He is on my side, i've already won.

agreed

"The greatest weapon in the arsenal of democracy is the desire for liberty written into the human heart by our Creator. So long as we remain true to our ideals, we will defeat the extremists in Iraq and Afghanistan. We will help those countries' peoples stand up functioning democracies in the heart of the broader Middle East. And when that hard work is done and the critics of today recede from memory, the cause of freedom will be stronger, a vital region will be brighter, and the American people will be safer.
Thank you, and God bless"

George Bush, Historic Speech to Veterans of Foreign Wars National Convention 2007

Thank you Jesus.

today was pretty bad but thank God for friends who can pick me up and send me home and eat piping hot taiwanese porridge in me to soothe it all away.

huge hug for cali.

and huge hug for mummy who decided to buy kenneth cole watch totally out of the blue. sale i think but nonetheless.

and huge hug also for boyfriend who despite long work day still sits up to listen to me rant and is extra loving and kind.

and huge huge hug for Jesus who spoke His sweet comfort into me during painful train ride in horrible peak hour traffic.

i am blessed.

MPC camp

above all, it hit me real hard that it was MARRIAGE preparation and not WEDDING prep.

i kept thinking "aiyar, simple wedding can already". i wazznt expecting a huge fanfare so i was actually quite resentful of spending 3 days in pasir ris just to find out about the 'how to's.

but the camp was really so insightful and good and at the end of it all, despite having just come out of a very bad week only to transit into a very busy week ahead, i am actually very thankful and wish i had known all that earlier. I wish i'd learnt the things taught earlier and my eyes are just so opened now. to hidden issues, relationship dynamics and the place God takes etc.

i thought i knew it all. what else could be new? buti was planning for a lifetime and a covenant ahead. so there's never too little to learn. since i've yet to put much learnt into practice.

its really so major. a covenant that cannot be broken lest we crucify Christ all over again. most of all, even as it tests my commitment to him, i find myself questioning my commitment to Him since i find myself nearly copping out on so many times when i find my circumstances reigning over the truth of His love in my life.

if i don't have the full confidence in me to say i'll never deny Him,(ie say if you put me in a room full of cockroaches and persecute me for my faith) , what's to say i won't deny us when the going gets really tough?

it's a lot of hard work. no, there's an understatement. it's a lot of grit, hardwork, determination and all the love that Jesus is.

i have no confidence in me or in him. but at the end of the day, it's Jesus that makes us so that'll be where i'm fixing my eyes.

off to NZ in a day. will try to write.

bleah

this week hasn't been good. tomorrow i have to return to work coz we simply can't finish. and its national day. and i'm sleep deprived. and i'm still wondering how in the world things are going to work out. my emotions didn't even have time to do their usual roller coaster sequence when things are going topsy turvy. have been rather calm (comparatively) but not so strong. many times i want to crawl into a hole and cry in despair but i don't have time.

so there.

i called 999 for the first time. and 3 times in a day for that matter.
for the record, they took 20 minutes to arrive and i had to depend on my very brave friend ms pang to apprehend the creep.
i screamed at someone in public.
i screamed at the police officer for being stupid.
i realized who i could count on and depend on and was very sad to find you not on the list.
i saw that the people who were there were the ones who never failed to for like the past ten years.
i realize that people really don't understand me.
i realize how desperate i am in need of a miracle.
i wish i have 40 hours in a day and i am actually superwoman so i can do everything by myself and not get affected by people
i never wished for money so much and this is merely because i want to cab like every single time and never take the bus again. and i used to enjoy double decker rides.and i suddenly really wanto access email on the go. and i never ever wish these things!
i have developed an appetite for eggs and bittergourd and brown rice big time. (thanks shuxin)
i signed up for facebook (ok actually cali did it for me so i'm profileless)
i just want to hide on an island named heaven and play masak masak and watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s
i have semi evolved into a misanthrope.
i suddenly wanto start sailing again (for the uninformed, i am a certified sailor. i can actually go out to sea alone) but i don't know when no one allows me to drive alone. always loved the sea but always hated the sun.

FOP report

FOP this year was like awesome.

Delirious? and Don Moen totally sent me catapulting to heaven. i really don't wanto be back but since its better for (you) that i be around, alright, i'll stay.

i love been so enraptured by His presence and enveloped by deep deep worship. I love it. I love Jesus and its so beautifully mutual i think this is the best match ever in heaven.

i love it so so so much. Bless Rev Dr Canon James Wong for spearheading FOP 21 years ago. I've been attending since like JC 7 years ago and every year it gets better. It is worth the crowd, the queues, the stinkoness and everything lah.

i wish i have pictures but need cali to upload even though her camera is erm with me.

and after FOP i did the most unspiritual thing. while the rest were out there buying books and cds, i bought moisturizer.

some of you may remember years ago that Jesus appeared to me in a dream and asked me what i wanted ...and i said "lancome hydrazen"

the very next day, it was presented to me. i nearly kicked myself. IMAGINE IF I ASKED FOR WISDOM!?!?the world would have been a better place.

what's with me and moisturizer?!its protecting my skin but threatening my destiny


I'm standing here waiting for my life to change
when the waters stir You can rearrange me
Just one touch is all i need
I've nothing much but the wounds i feel
I'm looking for the hand of the miracle man

Delirious?- Standing at the feet of the miracle maker

**
-delirious singing "here I am, send me"

me and isaac heard : "give me a ham sandwich!"