boldness and courage for a lamb

this season calls for strength to stand, faith to believe, boldness to conquer and grace to overcome. yet all i want to do is hide and run away. from the tempest and the storms. from the conflicts, skirmishes and potential bloodshed. i am the new irresponsible and the wuss in me is crying out for shelter (and another holiday), yet knowing fully well that it is not what i need.

i find myself obsessing over things like looking out for the fugitive, to ensure he is not camouflaged in the crowd and noticed that there are many many pple wearing caps these days. so i peer beneath their caps when they are sleeping in the train and rudely jolt them awake when they realize i'm peering. then i quickly look away, mentally justifying myself that i need not be embarassed, i'm just doing my part as a civilian, to be vigilant.

this is the moment when i'm challenged to be more because i hate injustice. sometimes i feel so fired up i want to fight. at times, fear and the mind holds me back and i just keep thinking, ''better stay out of trouble. don't get involved'. but i quote mordecai, queen esther's uncle who was an emblem of righteousness -
" for if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this"

alamak. what a harsh rebuke. but she needed it because many destinies and lives were hanging in the balance. imagine if esther had just MYOBed (minded your own business), the book of esther would have been written very differently and esther will be a name that will go down history in shame.

i don't know how my name will live after i leave. i do believe however, that every small decision sums up and every decision further defines who you are and what you stand for. its the classic 'between the rock and a hard place' but that's where many mighty men are birthed. babies are birthed in the womb but mighty men are birthed through trials and really difficult situations. mine is nothing compared to them. it's comparing a chiku to a watermelon. if you get my analogy. surely, this is nothing.

i need to unwussify. i need to speak even if i stammer. i need to stand even if i shake. and really its ok even if i have to evacuate this earth one day, because on the other wide of heaven, i've got a mansion reserved.

so really, if i can make a tiny difference in a tiny person's life, i'll do it. even if its inconvenient and costly. because He knew the cost but paid for me.

i'm sure He asked why. i'm sure the Father answered back, pointing at me 'she is the reason why you must die'.