dust

it's 6.17 am and i've been awake for an hour because of a throat infection. it feels like blades in my throat and i'm in great pain. am upset because i feel mocked and defeated. but i'm going to press on for victory and i know it's a matter of time my God does more than silence my oppressors.

on a separate note, i don't know if this is anything close to a quarter-life crisis but when i do a headcount of the people i love and share a deep affinity with, the numbers keep dwindling. and upon that revelation, i get very very sad.

granted, there is more quality gained than quantity lost but i can't help but still ache somewhat. i've been told that this is a natural passage of life as 'people come and go' . if this is true, i'm not getting used to it and i find it so hard to accept.

these days,i'm getting messages from people that i used to be so close to whether in childhood, adolescence or young adulthood that are so indicative of the fact that yes, we've grown apart and yes, it was so good, yes, i missed those times but i'm too lazy to update you about my life. one recently said 'thank you for the childhood memories'. another reaffirmed that i was still cared for and remembered (somewhat) in a special way. everything in past tense. bah!

i don't even know howto feel and vascillate between being comforted that i have the assurance that i was (note: past tense) an integral part in their lives and heartache knowing that these people who shared so much of my life with are now gone.

when these things come all at the same time, i get very very weighed down. i can't help but feel so ...discarded. i understand the demands of our lives and time and that meeting up frequently is impossible. and i'm not asking to be best friends again but what i'd appreciate is that a little update on the impt events in ur life. just so there is a semblance of keeping in touch.yes, all to assuage my insecurity and neuroticsm

perhaps they don't know i still care.