2007-2011.

That was how long we knew each other.

I didn't realize it was so late but I jumped out of bed after almost falling asleep.

Sleep is elusive tonight because of one person.

At work, I tend to bond very closely to my colleagues and make the best out of any situation. In my previous job, we suffered what many would call "grievances" and went through plenty of impossible timelines and jumped over very unreasonably highly-held bars. We were extra close because as the acerbic cliche goes, "misery needs company".

I have one beautiful colleague, C who was always cheerful and effervescent with laughter. She knew what I liked to eat and always spoiled me with food. I really like her spunk and she used to make me laugh so hard with her terribly lame jokes. I wasn't particularly close to her but whenever we caught up (she worked in one of the territories I had to visit bi-monthly), we always caught up privately to eat seafood, Nandos and just laugh.

The last time I was there, it was after a long hiatus. That night, after work, we were supposed to head for dinner together but she was down with a sore throat. She had been down with tonsillitis for awhile and was not close to recovering. I saw her in the office and told her that she better made a rain-check and rest and I'll catch her for dinner in two months when I return. Little did I know that we would never meet again.

That very night, she ran a high fever and fell unconcious. Her husband called the ambulance who curtly told him that they only tended to accident victims. She was already unconcious and since they live in landed property alone, he had to run to get a neighbour's help to haul her into the car and drive her to the nearest hospital.

She was unconcious for a few days and despite the raging fever, no further checks were done to diagnose and little was said about her prognosis. She was in a normal ward but never woke up.

A few days later, she was declared brain dead.

Those few days were the longest in my life. I prayed night and day for her. I slept little, ate even less and sank into denial, disbelief, anger and depression. She was so young, so full of life and I didn't understand why authorities who were entrusted with the sacredness of human life so callously cheapened it and no official word or diagnosis was given.

Her husband, the biggest casualty of all in my opinion was left to grieve alone. They were so loving, so sweet. On the other hand, I regularly fought with my husband and our marriage was a stark contrast to theirs.

Tonight, as I recount those days after almost two years, I am still overwhelmed and in tears. I miss her and still cannot believe she's gone. I still check her facebook page hoping against hope for updates and to reread statuses, look at photos etc. In the few days before she was officially declared brain dead, I texted her almost incessantly in the hopes that there would be a reply. I kept calling for her to wake up, trying in vain to do a Jesus and wake Lazarus or in more aptly, Tabitha.

I wonder if she knows that this very moment, I am thinking of her and she made an impact long after she left.

I wonder if she's aware that I cannot even mention her name without getting goosebumps and tears. She is named after a semi-precious stone so that really happens just...way too often.

If there is a palpable ache in my chest from the pain of our loss of her in our lives, how much more is her husband grieving? Has he moved on? Will he ever?

Thank you my friend for prayers

I got by today just fine thanks to prayers of my "saintful" friends.

One read last night's entry and prayed me through today. One didn't and uncannily texted me right when I woke up to pray. God must really be on my case and I'm so glad that even while I'm deep in slumber, He is on the watch! Truly we worship a God that neither slumbers nor sleep and I'm so grateful for that.

First thing I did at work was of course, check sales. I'm almost stock market frenzy fanatic but retail is detail so hey I did just that. One of the primary reasons is because my mentor/boss taught me that and the other is because if anything needs fixing and there is a lesson to learn, I want to learn and fix it or learn how to fix it. Things will never be perfect this side of heaven and to me, business is almost a beautiful combination of art and science. You can be so spontaneous and flexible but as long as you screw in tightly the right bolts and screws, hey, you have a beautiful piece of ....let's say furniture that serves its purpose.

And LO AND BEHOLD (Again, all praise to God almighty), we tripled THREE days sales on one quiet weekday. I literally had random people travelling all the way to the west and hauling stuff back. I don't know what they do..drink shampoo/eat soap/dessert with cream but they bought A LOT. I don't understand these people but am grateful for that. Ok. I do understand these people. I'm one of them.

Then I did the most brazen thing that I have never done in my whole life. This morning, in the cab, I was browsing through instagram and one of my friends who does Christian art beautifully captured the verse "ask and you shall receive" in this amazing penmanship and captured it. That was the last thing on my mind and when signs pointed to the fact that bonus was delayed and the payout was a date when I actually would be eligible ( you have to serve X number of months to qualify and I was ONE month shy)..I wrote to my boss brazenly and asked for my team's bonus.

Ok. I negotiated for a thousand things or more in life including exercise machines which I don't use but I never actually felt my work this time round was up to par. I'm not expecting anything stellar but a 13th month would be nice. This was a pioneer division and I know a lot of capital has been sunk in just to keep the engines going but my team and I have been working really hard despite being noobs.

I did it in a few words as politely , yet completely explicitly so if it was a dart coming, there was actually a straightline trajectory heading for bulls eye. After I hit the "send" button I was like.."what did I just do". Right after that, sales plummeted so we literally did better for a thursday than a friday.

I really don't know how this will pan out so now I'm back to shaking in my pants. I just told God while penning this post that if this comes to past, He must tell me exactly how much to give to who/where.

I can't say I'm absolutely confident of securing it and my self-esteem has been semi eroded over the years where work is concerned but as with many other things I've dreamt of in life, it is worth a shot and I know I will literally kick myself if I don't ask. I can't keep my mouth from mouthing my thoughts very long.

We'll see.

If I don't, praise God because whatever He has for me is more than enough and I am content.

If I do, praise God because I think a little treat will be nice and I want to be a blessing just as I have been so blessed myself. Hopefully, someone somewhere can access privileges and necessities (such as education/treats/food/clean drinking water and A READABLE BIBLE) I take for granted or it can open doors to relationships otherwise closed by seeding love.

I got saved because someone who was alive and provided for preached to me because of the gifting of the saints. I just want to pass it on. They were provided for despite the threat of looming poverty and were kept alive. I have been kept alive and well fed (too well) for so long I have to make something out of it beyond clothes, make up and handbags and shoes and ..I can't seem to ever punctuate this sentence so forget it.

I barely made it

Today I lapsed.

In the morning, I woke up with the familiar feeling of dark clouds gathering over my thoughts. Before I knew it, I was chest deep in depression for no apparent reason at all.

I just couldn't fight it this time and succumbed. By mid day, I had a full host of other kinds of ailments. Terrible muscle aches on the left side of my body such that I could barely move my left arm, headaches, fast heart palpitations, the whole works. I tried to leave the house to see a doctor but I couldn't even get past my room. It was a living nightmare.

Needless to say, I went without food and water until the symptoms subsided at around 4pm. I had woken up at 7 am to prepare for work and ended up taking urgent leave.

I also didn't manage to get any slot with ANY doctor within reach.

I did not realise the stress has gotten inside me.I thought that just as long as I reach home by 8ish on most nights, it means I'm switching off and fine but I was less than stellar. Other thoughts started to cloud my head and paranoia at some point took over. When I did slip into a light sleep, I thought I heard footsteps at every corner and the scariest part was...at some point, I couldn't remember where I was and who I was and when it was.

I used to get that when I travel a lot for work but I haven't done so in almost 2 years so that was a real freak occurrence.

Fear says to me that this might repeat itself tomorrow and that I will never be fully rid of it but I am struggling to believe and pray against it. Grace and His strength has come through for me so many times even when I was only toe-deep in faith but He has remained faithful.

Please pray for me if you read this tonight. I still have a lot of pain running from my neck to my left side of my body so this might make sleep somewhat difficult.

I need to recharge for the stressful tenuous weeks ahead.

4 shops and counting...

So my boss dropped yet another grenade on me today. That we're POSSIBLY opening our 5th shop this year. Does that mean I don't get to get a single day of vacation for two years?

I haven't hired enough and my existing team is not strong yet. I'm semi-flattered he thinks I can pull it off. He said he tested me with impossible deadlines and each time I turned him down flatly and told him it's not realistic. I worked at my own pace, refused to burn out my staff and prayed for discernment to know what is urgent and what is not. My staff must have at least one day off a week and if not, during peak seasons, they get to claim off days within three months. Yet, each time, we managed, by the sheer grace of God to exceed expectations.

So far, that has gone without a glitch and I fully intend to keep this record of not overworking people and creating a different kind of work culture. I know many eyes are on me because I'm the (quite) young noob out of no where sent to set up a new division in unchartered waters in 27 years of the company's history but this time, I am semi- daunted.

Maybe because it's the phase in life I'm in but with so many opportunities opening up all at once, (most companies wait a good 3 years for a good retail space), I'm beyond overwhelmed. Besides, no matter what they say about the Singapore job scene, there are almost 33k service jobs vacancies waiting to be filled. With one or two stores, I stand in as beauty advisor/store manager/stock packer every now and then but with 5? I haven't learnt the art of cloning myself and the resumes are not coming in fast enough.

I was plain blessed (glory to God) to recently hire two very excellent staff that I can safely hand the keys of one store to. Each time I settle one operational issue, my boss unearths a whole new mine for me to work on. It's like digging for gold during the gold rush. It's an excellent opportunity and I shouldn't complain but I CONFESS here, I'm SCARED!!!

What I wish I could tell him: Please realise I'm human and anyone else you hire can't pull this off without ample help too.

What I wish I could tell others: stop rewarding good work with more work and stop staring at me watching my every move because even though I'm pretty good at ignoring you, it's unnerving for my team.

Also, please stop poaching from my team just because it does well. We excel only because of each other and not because of an individual's effort.

So there, by september, I would have fulfilled two years' budget. Unless of course he wants me to do three years' budget in two years or 5 and so on. I can't keep track. I want this job and I'm enjoying it which is why I'm mustering ALL my guts to draw boundaries and discern. I don't want to lose my marbles or my job so let's work something that's mutually beneficial. No, wait, let's just work out something feasible.

13 and 30.

Last night was a real blast. (from the past)

It was nice to see so many familiar faces again at yet another wedding. It seems like weddings is the perfect excuse for everyone to meet again. We haven't had a wedding in awhile with most of us already wedded/already having kids etc.

The comment I got the most often was "you look the same!!" I didn't know what to feel about that. Was I really looking so old as a 13 year old or do I look awfully pre-pubescent as a 30 year old? Deep down, we all know I relate better to the 30 year old with occasional mood vacillating towards the 13 year old.

I saw an old friend that was my "partner in crime" in sec 2. We copied each other's homework and to be honest, she was the "badder" influence. :p We smuggled magazines under the table to read during lessons and spent so much time talking about boys and all after school hours on the phone.

Then something happened and we "broke up" (in the words of M). It must have been trivial but I can be heartless in a sense because I have her neither on Facebook or in my phone address book. I distinctly remember deleting her number when she texted me. For awhile, I wanted to spend the night avoiding her by hiding behind a gigantic centrepiece (it was about 1 m tall) so we were really playing the whole indian dance game. Think bollywood movie. Everytime she moved left, I moved right. At some point, at around the 5th dish out of 10 courses, the waiter changed the centrepiece to be one that's akin to a bed of roses. How can I not predict that the bride, being a Chanel centrepiece herself would adorn the place Chanel-themed and do the Chanel roses thing?!

So I was exposed from my vulnerable place of hiding and mustered up enough courage to shuffle my feet 50 cm to where she was seated. Yes, we were at the very same table and I think we talked sufficiently to make peace. She introduced me to her two year old daughter as "mummy's old friend" and I gushed (sincerely) at how well she speaks for a 2 year old and how really, she is an exact replica of her mummy.

I made the decision because of only one reason. I cannot predict what happens tomorrow and I really don't want to live a life of petty regrets on my deathbed. Neither do I want to be associated with being petty.

I doubt we'll be best friends ever again in this lifetime because life just coursed us in too different trajectories but I won't rule it out. I don't quite miss her if I have to be perfectly honest. The last ten years got by just fine without her and that scares me because...I can be so close to one person for a protracted period of time and I never thought I was the heartless creature that I am to completely obliterate them from my consciousness years later.

Despite everything, a lot of these friends have shared wonderful memories with me. They created the best memories of my adolescence and I should honour them for that even though some of us are timezones and continents apart.

Life can be so unpredictable I don't want my or their last memory of me to be a bitter squabble over nothing. They are to be cherished because the sum of these memories make me who I am.

"Down through the years our memories will keep a loving place

For friendships made and pleasures shared, and lessons learned apace.

For those who worked and gave their best that we might learn to face

The trials of life and faith and hope and nobly run the race."

Mgs will always be home and where I spent some of the best years of my life. Good old mgs. If I could ever time travel, despite the daunting O levels, I would go back to the years of 1996-1999. 

Three weeks late

So close to three weeks after the entire chinese population celebrated CNY, I celebrated mine today with my extended family.

I fell asleep at some point on the couch due to sheer fatigue. I wasn't even the only one. My cousin who puts in long work days in a bank also dozed off. Her younger brother who had a paper earlier in the day was almost in coma. Such is the life of an average Singaporean.

We fulfilled our obligations of meeting up and did quick cache-ups but other than that, we were walking zombies. Still, I am thankful that we got the chance to meet even though half the time was spent watching what seemed like an awfully slow sport called curling (i'm not kidding) from the Winter olympics. Fun thing to note was that the sport looked like it involved huge men scrubbing the floor with such ferocity we thought they'd be perfect to help cover our household chores since we're literally burnt out from work.

I cannot believe that not too long ago, we were just kids. It was nice meeting up with my grand uncle too who dropped by from Malaysia. He's a real jet-setter that basically travels for leisure with his lovely wife and they are en-route to the US. Before that it was HK, Taiwan and God knows where else...

At some point I also nearly cried because my grandpa was sitting alone. He has had the longest estranged relationships with some of his children and it was really awkward. I sat with him but we had absolutely nothing to talk about. Also, it became increasingly so that he can only remember me and not his other grand children. He can't tell the rest apart because he is so old and his eyesight and hearing is failing him. I was his first grandchild and from the looks of it, the only one etched in his memory.

Ok, now I have to go off and cry again.

Few friends

I let my colleague run the social media site of the business. I am officially an administrator and double up when her plate is full.

I trust her implicitly and sometimes leave the page of my own facebook account running while we update/source for pictures/ etc while linking to the business' page.

She scrolled through my page and while going through the newsfeed, we both realized that all the feeds were of news, shops, competitors' updates and of course, my beloved detective dramas. I had so few friends that I actively "follow" and care about "following" and out of this tiny puddle of people, some of them don't update regularly and we keep in touch via instagram across continents.

That really wowed her. (In a tragic way) and I didn't know how to react when she went "wow, you really do have very few friends"

I know. But I hesitate to tell her that in spite of all this, I am still incredibly blessed because these few are true treasures and they are living reminders of how good God is to me.

�若英-我等你 (官方完整版MV)

My all time favorite female artiste.

Understated, cool classics.

I loved even before Lee Hom. Discovered her in 2000 and it was this song that made me a fan.

In those days, we didn't have iTunes and YouTube so I spent my meager allowance on her CDs.

She made me want to get a rado watch and to me, she's timeless, classic and the epitome of an ethereal beauty. I cannot rave enough about the cinematography of this mtv and the filters they used to bring forth the soul of the song.

Will need caffeine tomorrow

It's crazy late here and I'm wide awake. Note to self: No coffee after 3pm.

Skin's going kinda crazy with the stress and all. Never in my life have I been tasked to start 4 stores in 9 months. The opportunities that are presented are crazy good and yesterday's taxi driver said "girl, when opportunities come, just grab. They seldom pass by twice". How apt. Angel in disguise?

I honestly have a lot of fun at work despite the stress and the workload. We literally laugh till we tear in the face of problems and even people I am least likely to click with have turned into friends. We wade through the choppy waters of weal and woe together so much so intensely that we are well familiar with each other's idiosyncrasies.

It's really a crazy girl school. Adult version.

I am so thankful to have colleagues I can call friends. I am so thankful to be in a company whose values are aligned with mine and be in an industry where my natural strengths and interests flourish.

It takes only minutes with me to know I'm an IT retard and I'm seriously scared of SAP systems. When they lapse or threaten to throw my progress into the air without landing in the exact way I want it to, I panic-BIG TIME.

I couldn't find the people required to help because I believe they are secretly in hiding. What was really funny today was that somehow, just at the right time and moment, one walked by enroute back to her seat, I "trapped" her and well..let's just say that moments later we had 10 of us, all girls armed with years of retail experience staring at ONE computer cracking our heads open like a ripe durian.

One later lamented that I was like a venus flytrap that just grabs whoever is walking by to help me.

Two hours later, we solved the puzzle and laughed and cried in those two hours. We cry a lot here because things can be so exasperating but we laugh so hard we cry too.

Sometimes I marvel at how sweet things are at this stage of my life. I was getting so pessimistic and depressed some months back it was so hard to imagine things could ever be rosy. Seasons come and go and faces change so while I'd like to remain impossibly optimistic, I know I have to be realistic to realize one day that this chapter too will end.

Nonetheless, I just cannot emphasize enough how grateful I am already for having experienced so much. Someone remarked and pointed out to me that I've had fantastic opportunities to break new ground in my 8 year career. I cannot agree more.

Thank you Jesus. Nothing without You. To God be the Glory.

If I succeed, the glory is all yours. If I fail, I land in your arms of grace and nothing will ever change the fact that I'm yours. And that's all I need.

I love you.

Elusivity

Some people never found true love.

Some people never found happiness.

I never found the miracle eye cream after a close to two decades search. This is an absolute bimbotic rant because even though I'm not expected to be on the covers of any magazines, let alone merciless social media pages, my eyes tell the world I'm tired. Whoever coined the phrase that the eyes are the windows of one's soul knew exactly what he/she was saying.

Even a recent meet up with a famed beauty authority figure in Singapore led me to believe the right eye cream was right under my nose. It was my own product but it worked for most...but me.

I have inherited the fatigued look of my dad and still waters run deep, my fatigue is deeper than that. I enjoy and thrive in environments charged with adrenaline and have trouble keeping still but something, somehow is again showing warning signals that I have to slow down...or else.

My eye bags are as described to be 3D. I often jokingly lament that they are bigger than some other supposed-to-be vitals. Concealers are my best friend and recently so, instagram filters.

Beyond this post about eye bags which are barely scrape the surface of deeper issues that resonate within my soul, I just want to say, I am tired and I don't know how to rest or recharge. This is a torment in itself because...there is no end to this tunnel.

Just as the only remedy to reduce eye bags is real proper sleep, I believe the answer to my fatigue is rest in my spirit which can only be found in one person-my Lord and Savior. Yet, somehow, I've allowed the so many items on my schedule to drown out the need for Him and the voices of demands to silence His whisper.

I'm not one to want to go back to the past but if there is one thing from the past I want to reclaim, it's my blind unadulterated love and zeal for a Savior so true and good, rich in infinite vast love that I can never put aptly into words.

I want that part of me back.

#wishlist

A stampede of ideas

That's what my brain is doing now at midnight.

Which is why I've turned to this space for a respite in  hopes of a cathartic release to breathe.

Work is just work. Hectic but I find it stimulating and thrilling. I just wasn't born with tai-tai genes and with no kid in the pipeline, I can see myself going at full-steam for as long as this takes.

I've been spending a lot of time at Etsy. In fact, once off work, I reply etsy messages. One would think I actually have a running business but I'm just keeping in touch with my vendors whom I pay and add to my fast mooting load of jewellery I'm actually thinking....of starting a business. Again. Not once bitten. Not twice shy. This time, what's holding me time is ironically the time and the resources. I have a thousand ideas in my head, leads to follow through and the channels to push it through. It won't be big money but it will be a hobby. Except also that my contract prohibits me.

Then, the other thing that is occupying my mind is whether I should get ANOTHER Proenza which has served me like a dream or a heavy duty Balenciaga which I expect to be abused like all my other bags. I literally rush into trains, throw them around etc. Balenciaga seems to have a knack of losing its colour and the design I want is forever out of stock.

Yes, I'm typing at the speed of a bullet train coz physically, I'm so tired but my mind won't shut off.

What do you call that again? Hyperactivity? I thought that was only for toddlers on a sugar high.

And oh, I forgot to eat lunch again today and gobbled loackers for my pseudo lunch at 5pm.

getting better but still...

I hate "but"s. It always dismisses good newsby at least 50% like some imperfection on an otherwise perfect bag that has to dismiss its intrinsic value of perfection before someone is willing to pay a price for it. And not at full value to boot, because of one simple blemish.

I am really stressed about work tomorrow. I don't know how in the world I can pull off the next few gruelling months. I am really stressed because the expectations on me are set so high I can scarcely see the bar. I am stressed that my stressed assistant will resign so I have to appear all chill and relaxed and "in control of the situation"

I am reminded during these moments to keep my eyes on Him. The author and finisher of my faith. Lately, I've been praying for Him to reignite my dormant and stagnating faith. I need His Love, His charging power to carry me through and to believe in the impossible. To be higher than weed can ever bring you. (not that i've ever tried). I need that. And God, I implore, hear me, reach me your lost prodigal.

If I stand let me stand on the promise, that you'll pull me through, if I fall let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you.- Jars of Clay

Dreams that speak of my darkest fears

In my feverish weakened state, I dreamt that all 30 years I lived was ironically, just a dream , a figment of my imagination.

The people that have shaped me into who I am today, the moments of joy and heartache, some that has cost me my soul are all nothing but a "what-if". In my dream, I was a mere 12 year old waiting to sit for her PSLEs and had her whole life ahead of her and the prerogative of hindsight at 20/20.

This dream revealed to me my deepest darkest fears. Fear of failure. Apart from that, despite the going getting tougher at times than I imagined possible, I don't want it any differently. I am me today, because of all that happened. This person that I talk about isn't perfect but she is what she was made to be. Yes, she met callous people who backstabbed and trodded on her trust like used tissue but along the way, she gained a whole wealth of friendship through so many others that just can't be exchanged for anything else.

I would choose to do certain things differently but really, if given the same set of circumstances, I don't know if I had the strength to choose. I might still end up right here on the same spot. This is where I think I believe predestination comes in. That God already knew. And I draw a great deal of comfort not because I'm powerless to change my tomorrows and make them better but because God is already there and will be there no matter what.

If there's anything I learnt in the last 30 years, I would say surely that whether it be mountains high or valleys low, He never left me nor forsook me.

And for that, I praise Him eternally.

Missing CNY 2014

Being sick is really no fun. I am terrible at being a sick person. I groan and cry like a baby.

It doesn't help that all clinics are closed during this festive season and I've got no strength to drag this body of a corpse to a 24 hour clinic that will charge me an arm and a leg for my sandpapered throat.

I called my grandparents to wish them happy new year in my almost non-existent voice. After that phone call, my voice box literally shut down and I couldn't utter a word till many lozenges later.

I cried and bawled like a baby coz I miss my grandma so much. It's just been so hard and just hearing her voice and not being able to have her sayang me like I was three is even harder. At the same time, i couldn't risk infecting their frail bodies with the flu so, thank God for the phone.

I've taken all my meds and instead of getting better, I feel worse. I believe this onset is unleashed by grief and my body knows exactly that its a public holiday and hence, I can be trapped at home blowing my nose without interruption.

Chinese New Year 2014

This is the first time I missed Lunar New Year and the worst I've ever had.

Following yesterday's debacle, I'm also very sick. My throat feels I swallowed a cactus and with cactus in place, I couldn't eat/drink much.

In short, I only had my first liquids/solids at 7 pm and was almost faint and delirious. I missed many visits and although I'll be over at the grandparents', I would have missed seeing my cousins.

So yes, I'm not doing well.

 It didn't help that after a terrible evening at my in-law's, I landed at home with terrible food poisoning in the middle of the night.

Absolutely miserable is an understatement.

A new breakthrough.

I am physically a tad worn out but I honestly haven't felt so appreciated and honored for anything in a long time.

I am in such a high state of cloud 9.

I learnt today that not many people set up a whole shop in two months including logistics, training, cash management and operations within days. I did that.

I learnt that apart from my stomach dyspepsia, I am six sizes smaller than what I actually am. Hence, my new clothes purchases are completely justified.

I learnt that my boss, after being an industry veteran for decades and being completely taciturn a man that he is admits that he is learning something from me.

These things made my day.

So yes, the ascent ahead is still tough and challenges still abound but the sense of satisfaction is something I've not tasted in a long time.

I come home to a husband who loves me, plenty of laundry to do, plenty of mess to sort out and battles to prepare for the next few days but really, I cannot help but drop down on my knees and thank God.

Indeed, unless the Lord builds the house, He who labours labours in vain.

Thanking Him for his sustaining grace.

Evolution in Singapore

All I want to do is shop. At Cos.

When H&M first landed on the shores on a certain sept 16, (Yes I remember momentous dates like these) I waited a few months before the queues abated and bumped into the parents and brother in the snaking queue. Now, there's no queue, a 50% off but time is of the essence here which is the luxury I can't afford.

Whatever necessities, I have resorted to buying online. Right now, I am even contemplating on buying groceries online. I miss the shopping down the aisles and even the queues at the cashiers. The experience beats the convenience hands down. Yes, the clicks are fast and deliveries are getting less tenuous and prompt but....shopping used to be therapeutic, fun and a joint activity. Now, it is relegated to being a relic of an age of long ago, an evolved form to accomodate the hectic lifestyles of the nameless individuals in this fast paced society.

The irony comes from the fact that I work for the retail sector and I need people to be at the stores. Thankfully, my industry is rather insulated as people still prefer to make the trip down, test new offers on their own skin and try before you buy. The experience is not reduced to taking a measuring tape, measuring your own vital stats while zooming in on a visual to make sure that you can save a trip to the post office even if the online store offered "free returns".

I miss the old days and I don't like what singapore is becoming. We were always on the fast track and we saw this day coming from aeons back but now that it is really here, while I am glad I have tasted the sweetness of a life less demanding, I wonder what would become of my children's.

Will they know the joys of watching a movie in a cinema without exhorbitant prices? Will they understand affordability? Will they be satiated with simple pleasures that do not comprise malls and the bags their mum might/might not pass down to them?

Lost and found.

I had a cousin who spent his first 5 years in my house. His parents were divorced and both had their own set of problems so he was left with us. I was 8 years old when he first arrived in my life. I thought he was the cutest and because I never had any siblings prior and didn't know that my own brother would arrive years later, he was my treasure.

He was the first sibling I ever had.

My parents later refused to be his legal guardian and he was later relinquished to his mother, who struggled to raise him. Today, I met him again for the first time after 17 years and he struggled to remember my name. He shouted "xinying jiejie" (big sister). Even my own brother doesn't address me as that.

The sibling I lost and now found. My blood relative.

A whole cocktail of feelings now whirl in me. It's like an indigestion of thoughts and feelings. I struggled to find the words to say. He dropped out of law while my own brother will soon be doing law. He is now working in a menial position, far from what his potential could achieve, if he had the means. He lost his citizenship here because his mom wasn't singaporean and well..dad couldn't take care of him.

I cannot help but feel sad. No arguments, no words, no point about what could have been. I wasn't my parents and was and still is in no position to judge them for refusing to take him in. I just can't help but feel that we could have made a positive difference if we only allowed ourselves to.

Inter-colonialism

This is a frivolous post.

My french business counter part shops up a storm at a Singaporean label's shop. I shop up the same storm in a (few) french label's shop(s).

#modern #intercolonialism 

Husband was helping me shop for Balenciaga bags. I took longer than my usual 15 minutes because they were so expensive. In the end he convinced me that the three colors I shortlisted were not edgy enough. So I went for a darker alternative. It was out of stock.

#conspiracy theory.

#howtogetmetostopshopping

Jesus is not christian

If I understand Jesus correctly and fully, I would think He isn't christian.

I don't mean that all christians are alike but there is a huge mould that many try to fit into. I try to avoid generalisations but from the little I understand and have experienced with the Savior of the world, He defies so much of what is deemed to be Christianity.

The last thing I want is to spark a debate or make my blog hits increase exponentially because I enjoy the somewhat anonymity and the freedom to verbal diarrhoea every now and then.

If you are offended by this post, get a bubble tea sugar high because I'm not apologising.