soldiering on.

it's been rather stressful on many fronts and i'm holding together by His grace.

Somehow, when the deadlines for everybody wanting something happens, its all at the same time gives me little respite. And when I'm inundated with stress over various issues, I've found my newest therapy which is to cook.

I haven't always been a cook. Infact, I used to have trouble with just about everything from stir fry to even boiling but as I practise, it is seemingly getting better! I've been getting better reviews with each 'try'. So when i'm very stressed, I start browsing the net for newer recipes that I think i will not falter trying and run to the supermarket to browse and 'get inspiration'.

so while working at home, i also double up as the new 'maid' as i cook lunch and dinner for whoever is at home. they only get respites when i have to go out to meet clients, run errands and do deliveries.

work wise, i'm glad its finally my own. but there are still constant worries that try to plague me such as cashflow and all other 'need' related matters. It's super hard to trust but He's been faithful in delivering His promises and living word and I just refuse to give up even though the pressure is mounting already. Especially with the wedding and house draining A LOT of our savings.

i like the rush when the orders come in and when I can spearhead my own initiatives etc. on the other hand, i also have to be extra careful with cashflow and watch just about every area since this is a 'one God, one girl show'. I'm still clueless about just alot of stuff and i need to make do with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

i need His strategies, His provision and HIs blessings. Most of all, now that i'm colleagueless and bossless, I need His thick thick presence to surround and go with me whereever and whenever.

i also hate working from home (but it keeps costs down) for quite alot of reasons, especially since my brother is languishing on the couch all day long watching tv now that it's his holidays. i dream about the office, the shops, the delivery van (s) etc that I can call my own one day.

And all that keeps me going. and going.

dilemma

on one hand i feel very disillusioned and sappy, on the other i'm like surging with hope and excitement and even may I say, brimming with confidence.

I can't explain why. Maybe i can but it'll take way too much time.

so i'll just lack the former go.

when you can't shut them up.

people who know me for me are so hard to come by. these days, i have so many people who have such vast contradicting assumptions about me, none of which are true by the way.

i have a few soulmates but many many acquaintances. while i really don't have to care and its nothing overly bad, i just hate being so misunderstood. but i will not dwell further or try to set the record straight because i have nothing left in me to care about people who don't care too much anyway.

but i like being understood. or at least an attempt to be understood. all the better if i'm understood AND celebrated. because that's all the rarer.

its no big deal being me but its not easy either. so cut me some slack and stop trying to disect me for further analysis.

just want to dig a hole. but not for me to hide. but to throw the irritants down and keep them out of sight.

i like pure guileless agendaless relationships. non competitive too. i don't need any grandiose show of how you're better. i kinda know already that i'm just me and there's nothing to shout about. but i'm reigning queen of isaac's universe and my mum thinks i fell from heaven. (when i'm sleeping, not awake)and above all, there is a King of Kings who sings over me. so i'm quite comforted.

i will celebrate what i have and continue to cherish, love and live. but i still wish you'd shut up.

button you must wander wander wander

i spent my last night in hk folding origami with my friend. till 1 am. i woke up the next morning for work feeling like i have had a terrile hangover. and the origami was a disaster.

i landed last night at some obscene hour and got home at an even more unearthly hour. i was so excited to check out what my swedish friends got me that i ripped open my present in the taxi.

big mistake. for it was a big beautiful but very breakable bowl.i looked back at the packaging and wrapping in dismay knowing there was no way the bowl was going back and had to hug it the rest of the journey.

my hk friend got me pillowcases with the chinese words 'xi' embedded and very ching cheong chinese card wishing me marital bliss.

since i'm already inviting 540 people, so why why why can't they be there. OR i might as well have a wedding party whereever i have a friend.

ok, impractical. toss thought.

**

looking back at the past 18 months now and i can't help but feel so scared, so sad, so excited all at once. i really hate leaving what i'm doing and representing brands that i've grown to love so so so much i can't help but sing about them.

ok not quite sing but you get the drift. i think everyone should have a babybjorn.

i'm gearing up for what is to come but WHAT is to come?

i cried for like 50 minutes on the plane back yesterday. i know so because it was from 59 minutes to destination to landing. i missed the people i've grown to enjoy so much during work, knowing that no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, it's never really the same anymore.

also i cried for the lost souls who have been intertwined with mine and whom i so hope to experience Jesus like i do.

i walked past this old beggar. she's quite a character as she sits in the middle of the streets of central and ties blown up plastic bags all around herself. i've walked past her so many times in the past year and i've never done more than drop a few coins. this time, knowing it'll be a loooong time before i next return to hk for pleasure, i thoroughly thought about what i would say to her if i cld just see her again th enext day.

as if she cared.

but i spent one hour in bed racking my brains and checking my cantonese guidebook and i came up with just 'ye sou oi lei.' however, we didn't make it back to Central and i was a tad disappointed.

so for that, i think i'll be back in hk. hopefully within the next 6 mths!

**

i cried as i recounted His goodness in my life. and how he tenderedly engineeered every moment for a greater good. so i started singing on the plane by myself thinking i was by myself but forgetting that there are like 300 others.

never mind.

**

feels like forever since I last had isaac alone with myself and the weekend is still jampacked with activities, chores, meet ups with other people.

if this globe is too small forus and everyone (i've learnt over the past 18 months) is somewhat connected to one another, then why does it take so long to travel?

if i was a swinging single, i'd never stop jet setting and ingesting the wondrous sights and sounds of different cities. so now that i'm going to be very married, i hope that we'll be able to do that TOGETHER. somehow. somewhat.i wouldnt mind living out of a suitcase forever and i've learnt that i have the doraemon anointing. somehow, everything i need is somehow packed in. except plasters when i cut my hands at 11pm.

more and more, i feel like i can't stay in singapore. its not just the heat. i still love SG but i just can't help feeling like i need to venture further and live elsewhere for awhile at least. but home is where the heart is and where the heart is is where isaac is so i better learn to stay put unless he agrees to uproot. i'm feeling less singaporean by the day and i'm developing a keen interest in just about 3 different languages now.

where are You taking me?

in transit

while my nose is dripping and my luggage is unpacked and the stress is mounting...
all i can say is
thank God its HK
thank God its only for 4 days

HK, I will miss you. and i will not visit you as often anymore.
i'll be taking a break from all this soon. to sort out life, on the whole. to personalize it, live it and savour it and share it.

after this week, i can finally leave my toiletries bag and 'first aid ' kit unpacked and even put away the suitcase for abit. i can start working on the house, suss out good deals for furniture and electronics.

after this month..
i can work out our budget, plan for christmas sales and wrap hampers.
my wedding planner can actually find me.
i will find that time passes maybe slightly slower than it usually does and get used to 8 hours of sleep.

i will exercise and prepare. like a bride in waiting.
i will finish up my facial course at MTM so they can stop wondering where I went and what they are going to do with my money.

i will miss my baby carriers and BPA free bottles. i will miss the cots and educational dvds. i will miss the regular salary.

i will miss training because then I really get to tell them how much how wonderful how fantastic it really is. and i will also miss travelling.

most of all, i will miss the colleagues and business associates i've grown to be friends with.

but i'm ready to disembark and transit.

Theme on my heart for this week.

we are watched, whether we like it or not. People are watching us and our actions and decisions are our testimonies.

It breaks my heart that a grievous act of a follower of Christ can cause so much repurcussions. That others, who don't know Jesus for themselves judge Him when they watch His diciples. Unwittingly, we have created offense to the cross.

I thought nothing about a recent wrong somone has done. I felt for her and wished she would repent and forsake those ways but never beyond that. Until Isaac made me realize that the testimony of her folly will scream volumes to many others. When I saw it sometime later, it grieved me. I wanted to stand up and say, ''No! Jesus is not like that. You can't judge the Christ with the christian!" But how do we really really explain this to a people whose eyes are still veiled. Furthermore, we were judged with Him at the cross and today we lay claim to His righteosness and right standing with God. Does that oneness excuse our reproach from His?

"The only Jesus they might see in this life may be you." Those were heavy words said to me. How could anyone lay a burden so heavy on me..when I'm just a girl.I've been forgiven more than a thousand times over and can only live right by His grace.

not all are discerning enough to separate the Christ from the Christian. The flesh, when it acts on its own also bore the stripes of Christ. Then we claim that we died in Him, so also shall we live in Him. But when we willingly and willfully reproach the Christ, why then do we cry out for separation..

He knew it'll be like that but He still chose us. Oneness comes at a heavy price. There is no separation thereafter.

"Oh, that my actions woud consistently reflect your principles!" Psalm 119: 5 NLT.

so who do we look to now

Why am I surprised? Has it not been prophesied from days of old? From the mouth of prophets and from the BOOK itself.

He must have already known, that the biggest financial systems will be the flaky mess that they are today. That the world leaders are scratching their heads and wondering why and how. That all will look around for answers, a solution but find none. That masses will scramble for their savings. That none of us are really saved..

I've been following the news and devouring commentaries from Time, Newsweek and The Economist. I've been watching repeats every 20 minutes on CNN , Bloomberg news while waiting for flights and they do little to assuage my soul that everything will be all right. The naysayers might be right this time after all.

I cannot deny the tide of fear that has assaulted my thoughts. There are too many what ifs as I desperately cling on the only surety I know-Him. That somehow, He'll not just take us through but use us to bless others.

I pray my heart will not be small in these days to lend and give aid to others. That I will share all that I am and all that I have with the brethen. I am scared. There doesn't seemto be enough. I don't have yet a revelation about His abundance. But until that sinks in, I don't want to be hindered in giving.

In that moment, I realized that there is still so much of selfishness in me that hasn't been circumcised away. That my first thoughts were still of self. i pray that I love others before myself and I love Him above others.

that like Job, may integrity and uprightness preserve my soul from corrupting influences and deceit. because its so easy to miss a step and plunge into an abyss. It's so easy to be greedy. it's so easy to justify yourself until your conscience is seared. its so easy, to live just for yourself. to be wounded and not heal, to be offended and not forgive.

I've seen the peril of all that and how it can be so insidious. Let each day, each breath count.

HKG-DAY 1

i had 3 hours of sleep.
i was zombiefied.

random man in uniform: where are you from? passport please?
me (showing passport)
random man in uniform : are you a student? no? you're from sanrioland ah

my passport had a my melody cover.

then..

i didn't realize i was walking around with my luggage tag on my pants. everyone knew i took sq 860 and came from singapore.

then at the apartment..

i didn't know how to operate the kettle. or maybe its just not working
the light doesn't seem to work
and before that i took 10 mins to figure out how to use the key to get in.

on the way to the office..
i tried in vain to gesticulate after i tried in vain to use my cantonese on this guy for help with my octopus card.

back 'home' after many hours..
i decided to collapse on watch tv
then this is the real clincher
the screen froze
nothing moved
except a moving security guard and silence
i panicked. i thought i killed the tv. i remembered thehaunting words of a friend that said my aura alone could destroy all electronic equipment.
then i realized
i was watching the cctv.

updates from the latest leg of the race.

Often, I go to God with my requests and problems only to have Him speak like He wasn't listening.

Let me explain:

Eg. I'm heartbroken about this injustice done towards me by a friend.
Him: Forgive and bless your enemy.

Eg : I have this need and I need this amount of money to tide me through.
Him: Give what you have away.

These have served to evoke just about the same response everytime-BALK.

It defies logic and reasoning. But He seems to know what He is doing. I've been hurt but forgiving and blessing (the latter is more painful coz it requires me to ACT on it when forgiving is an invisible and intangible) releases me from the hurt and open up my heart to immeasurable joy. Sometimes, the relationship is restored and I get to witness the other person coming to the Lord, his senses or repenting. Sometimes, it doesn't. Or perhaps not yet.

I've given away only to receive 20 x the amount. Yes, no other investment especially in this day and age can yield so much anymore. And in such a short time too. To those with capital, the first instinct is to grab bargains from the property market and the various auctions available. But in such perilous time, the heart of God is looking to meet the needs of the poor, desolate and hungry. And He needs His church, His body, His bride to cooperate with Him. The world needs a light in the midst of darkness and turmoil. It's our time to shine.

I've realized that I'm called to be a middleman. Even in my current vocation, I'm a distributor and agent. Going forward, I know God is expanding my portfolio. I will not just do the upper middle income market but the mass market. And this will be more mass than I've ever experienced.

I will not just distribute toiletries but Jesus. I will dispearse Him, feed them with Him and reap with Him. I'm so gleefully excited just thinking about this. And to be very honest, nervous. But heck.

I've been guilty about just focusing on what I have to do and not abiding in His presence, not realizing I'm depletig myself and just vanquishing without His presence. Not realizing that I'm bankrupt and there's no fuel in me to continue. In the latest leg of the race, He has been teaching me to abide abide and abide in the spiritual fortress that is His presence.

I've learnt faith beyond what I knew from books and other's experiences (and my own disappointments). I've named it, claimed it and still didn't get it. Deepdown, i know itsnot on its way. It's not coming. It's not that my faith didn't work. It's because He loves me still and He has a plan and His thoughts are above mine. I don't always see the wisdom of it immediately but I've learnt to repect it.

Faith now is gift and it comes through experiencing it. It is a powerful currency that is used in the transactions between Heaven and earth. I've learnt to seek His will more carefully regarding a matter, discern what He wants and have full confidence believing and marching in that direction.

So yes, I've taken small steps as some of you can see. But this time, I've got more confidence (and naysayers).

Following His cloud until it rains.

moving right along!

i'm so excited. i've finally learnt to move on despite any doubt/personal inhibition/rising opposition.

there is a great wave of encouragement and i just know so much holds in store for me next year. i've even been warned that it'll be difficult but i'm going to give it a shot. my best shot.

for now, i just don't want to compromise now and i want truly only His best for my life. i am tired of looking left and right and allowing my thoughts to be weighed down by lesser things.

something is brewing and its good. and i'm going to get ready for it.

wedding prep:
i just want a simple party where i can afford to mingle with the guests, testify endlessly and laugh and laugh.

yes, its a bit stressful but i'm determined to make it a light hearted affair.

as for gifts, really, i have like 2 dining tables, 2 fridges etc. and i have a grandtotal of 1000 sf to play around with and i'm not too keen on choking it up with so many things.

so, if you're considering a gift, PLEASE ASK ME IF SOMEONE HAS ALREADY CHOPED if not i'll have to sell your gift.

to be unabashedly honest, cash is really preferred.

fatigued.

i haven't been the same.

first, my collar bones are in full glory again after semi disappearing. i lost about 2.5 kg in Europe. I don't know where i left it really.

and the sheer fatigue is resulting in a further loss of appetite which is just not helping. i konk at at 7pm when most of you are having dinner. i rush home to ...sleep.

then i wake up ridiculously early and by 2pm i'm like super zonked out again.

wedding stress is mounting and i wish i had a fairy god mother. my wedding planner is a great help but with great help comes great cost so i'm not willing to part with that much money.

i'm in no mood to think about honeymoon and all coz really i just want a breather and for things to fall into place. at the workfront, handovers and new launches are due at the same time. the whole thing sounds like an oxymoron and with a fatigued brain not working at full capacity, it's not going too smoothly.

in times like these, i really want to just curl into bed and sleep. i would like to say i can't wait for the weekend but these days, i realize that the weekend has a longer to do list than weekdays. so really, i'm trapped.

my idea of keeping in touch with my friends is the lengthy mails they post on my facebook. see, we can thank God for facebook too. (if only i can figure out how to post a video of the eiffel tower that i'd taken in paris)

wall street is crashing and financial giants are crumbling. did anyone realize that we're dangerously near oct 29 which was the date the stockmarkets crash in 1929? i hope this is not the sequel to the great depression. it almost sounds like a similar replica.

i find my trust violently shaken with nothing to hold on to. my hope is thankfully anchored to Him and yes while investments and jobs all hang in the balance and the world economyis hoisting a white flag when just 12 months ago, we were experiencing a financial boom, i have decided to live in the mountains and cultivate a habit of leaves and twigs.

i am kidding. its the fatigue talking.

mei ling...isst 2 mths already?hurry back! phonecalls to aust are expensive!

announcement

back. and i 'd love to talk more about the trip and give everyone updates. except that my brain is still stuck in sleep mode.

and i'm reallytired.

and i realized the only time i'd ever eat breakfast AFTER lunch is when i'm flying eastwards.

i don't know if i should be a fellow oyster.

me: remember not to accessorize /wear make up when we meet the Amish people.
her: why?
me: its offensive in their culture
her: how about pearls?
me:-exasperated- what are pearls?not accessories?
her: but they are just pearls!
me: ok. i'll tell them you're an oyster and you just produced them and can't take them off.

life without me!

so mei ling left tonight.
i'm so happy for her and i believe she'll have fun in melb with ah belle.

i don't know. it's not like we manage to meet so often in sg but i just hate it that she is two hours away and is not readily accessible to me. i'm THAT selfish.

what if i need a food kaki? what if i just need to feel silly and need company at that? who am i going to poke fun at now?

melbourne is stealing alot of my friends. despite being one of my favoritest places on earth, i have a love hate relationship with it because it stole so many pple i love.

its something about the not so sombre atmosphere (it's not as crazy as the west and not as fast as the east), the crazy erratic weather, the streets that i manage to somehow navigate, the sunsets and the good times i've had there with the same friends that trooped over that gave melby a special place in my heart.

it has been my place of temporary refuge everytime i'm down. in the past, it was so convenient to just book a ticket and end up at the doorsteps of a friend's place. now, its near impossible. because tickets no longer cost less than 1k. and time is scarce.

i feel like doing that now. but i can't.

australia is not home but somehow i want to go there like all the time. perhaps after this paris trip, this opinion will change.

which i'm looking forward to. if not for the fact that cologne follows after that and my schedule for colognenow is filled with..plenty of meet ups i wonder if i have time venture out to buy a pair of birks.thank God i already know my size.

**
at the lift lobby, as the lift door opens, this guy stepped out and upon seeing me said
"hi, i just left''

i was astounded. i mean huh why who is he. a thousand thoughts raced throughmy mind. is he a neighbour?did ilose my memory??is he somebody important that i forgot again?is he my relative who came to visit?

i just stood there literally with my mouth gaping for awhile. until he said 'you don't recognize me?!"

and all i could do was nod like an idiot.

apparently he is my brother's tutor who has been at my house every week for the past year. and he has said hi to me a thousand times before. and i never knew ....

this adds to the list of people who go 'hi xinying!" and i go ''ahhhhh..hi'

there will be no eternal sunshine if your mind is spotless

it's rainy, cold and isaac is somewhere in taiwan so i'm wistful.

the weekend has been surprisingly great. i didn't shed buckets of tears because he is so far away. company of friends helped alot to ease the ache of previous week and gear me up for the week ahead.

as an avid fan of criminal minds (among many other FBI dramas), dr reid's eidetic memory really strike a chord in me. because while i can't read 20000 words per minute, i too can (or maybe could) remember scenes to the details, strings of numbers which makes no sense to me and lines of words. that was how i got through school many times because i was a lazy student. i may not always understand but i remembered and fairly quickly too. so this can be a boon and a bane.

i used to think it normal, until i realized that many are afflicted with various types of memory loss. once, when i thought i lost a camera and was lamenting about it, my good friend quipped " it's no big deal, you should thank God you have that memory and can store everything in your head so you don't need a camera'.

not many pple know about this. except those who hang out/work with me on a regular basis. ex colleagues marvelled at how i can look at a floor plan of the entire shopping centre and remember the size of each shop, the per square footage and the unit number. and i just marvelled at how they couldn't.

so when my hippocampus (the part of your brain that processes learning and memory) went on auto erase some years ago (i later on found out it was a side effect to a condition/medication), i myself was startled that i could clean forget things. it's like God purposefully throwing my sins into the sea of forgetfulness. it was just something i couldn't retrieve and because i didn't know what i couldn't retrieve, iw as blissfully safe. a few years of my life was just erased like that, like i never lived during those years.

thankfully, now, when the memories do come back, the poison attached to the memory was removed and i can recount and recollect without anguish (not much). and for the lack of a better word, i do take 'pleasure' that i have lived through the days i did, fell down and got better and stronger.

people do all sorts of things to repress painful memories and that is why drugs and alcohol are so prevalent. memory is so dangerous because if not treated carefully and stored properly, it can be potentially dangerous. people are trapped in pain and relationships are indeterminately strained. it breeds regret, bitterness and a helplessness at being unable to return to the moment and do it all differently.

there is no respite from the tormet as the reel replays endlessly in your mind in vivid images. not till it is surrendered at the cross to the Lord. then can your memory be healed and your life restored.

i wonder how He remembers the cross himself. on the way to the cross, He remembered 'the joy set before Him' which is our salvation. On the cross, He was still remembering us pleading for forgiveness because we 'know not what we do'.It was a lot less about Judas' betrayal (no doubt He mourned the loss), peter's denial, the scoffers and the scorn but the eternal redemption of our souls.

poser

i just realized that my church (and even on a tinier level, caregroup) has a lot of people from/going to cambridge.

i'm surrounded by so many smart ppl lah!

so i devised with a fellow non cambridger, a 'ruse'. next time when someone asks where i'm from, if i say 'kent ridge' under my breath really quickly and mumble, it can almost be mistaken for cambridge.

so proud of myself that i almost sniggered. only to meet with the 'err, xinyinggggg' glare. you know those glares you all randomly shoot me. somehow all my friends have that glare.

i may not be from cambridge. but i'm also smart!

N*S, don't be sad. it's not that i'm ashamed of you. i'm also glad to be part of your alumni. somewhat.

epiphany

i've been an insommiac for nearly 3 nights already. and it's a real pain. life has been threatening to burn me out and i really don't know how to cope. i keep thinking that as long as i soldier on and grit my teeth to december,it'll be ok. but i just don't have the stamina and grace for it.

once again, i overloaded my plate and need some deliverance and assistance. i made myself miserable when i could be smelling the roses and dancing with Jesus. i could be enjoying wedding prep instead of finding it a chore. i could be taking my time sorting out color schemes for the new home instead of asking the interior designer to 'just do whatever you like lah, i trust you'. i've been so flippant about a once in a lifetime affair and i think this is just not right.

this is not how i would want my marriage to be. i put in 200% for work because i just can't stand not having things well done. i have very little tolerance for shortfalls and it irks me to no end that my expectations (which i thought were very basic) can't bemet.

that might be ok but it's not the point. the point is, my marriage comes first and is on the top of the priority list. my relationship with isaac and isaac himself triumphs over all the other responsibilities.

between 9-6pm, i will work. after that, i will switch off work mode no matter how much i would like to dwell on a certain subject matter. it's also hard because from 9-6pm, i'm paid to work. but from 6pm onwards is when i pay myself to work (i have 2 jobs). but that will take the back burner for now, although i feel terribly guilty to my supplier and limit myself to 2 days a week of late nights.

next year will be the first year of our marriage. as we sort out and try to get used living with each other and various idiosyncracies, i also want to take more time out to prepare home cooked meals. i want to be able to finish the laundry so he will have nice pressed shirts for work.

i also want to finally be able to go on holidays with him. there are alot of friday/thursday public hols next year and we shd utilize them for short/long getaways. especially since his company is so generous with leave.

with the help of some friends and family, i've got it all sorted out. of coz, their advice would have fallen on deaf ears if i didn't pray it through.

but yesterday, throughout the course of the day, i received multiple confirmations pertaining to their common advice. there is truly safety in the multitude of counsellors. some of the messages were so strong i couldn't hide.

so i think now i know what to do. despite the fear. despite the inhibitions.

He is so good, so loving, so real.

forlorn

following the previous post..

it's really quite unfair that i get to travel to all these places when isaac doesn't. tomorrow, he gets to go to taiwan for a short holiday and i hope he has a lot of fun, albeit without me.

knowing me, i would be a sobbing mess. so, if you want to , please donate a kleenex. i just don't cope so well when we're apart.

i appreciate and am grateful that i have trotted around to many places in the world where many others have not been and to some other places, on a more regular basis. i cherish the opportunity to learn, take in sights and be exposed to different cultures (and food)etc.

years ago, beneath a starry sky in melbourne, i thought to myself that all these meansnothing if i don't have anyone to share it with, to take in all these with. these sights and wonders, need to be shared. i can't do much except capture photos. for me especially, it's terribly hard to be apart. i'm usually a sobbing mess before heading into departure lounge and the grief only slightly alleviates when i am distracted by duty free shopping.

we could be going on holidays together. doing all these together (especially after we started working and had more financial freedom then poor student days). but 2 decisions we made didn't allow us to.

1) we will not stay in the same room until we're married. as we never got around to finding out couple friends who would holiday with us, and our single friends didn't feel too comfortable...no holiday.

2) we decided to get married. 2-3 years into working. so it meant every dispensable cent went into wedding/house fund.

i'm glad we will soon be able to share a room. and even if it means we can't go to many exotic places, it'll still be ok. more than ok. i'll still be so happy and blessed. as long as we're together.

i miss him so much already.

Frivolous

Paris

attractions:check out moulin rouge, champ elysee (which can't pronounce), eiffel tower
food: i think i'm going to starve. hate french food. hate bread.
shopping: fashion capital is not going on discount anytime soon. so out.

Cologne:
attractions: some chocolate factory. others say nil
food: i think i'm going to starve too. hate sausages.
shopping: land of birkenstocks

Amsterdam:
attractions: err
food: err
shopping: ??

Stockholm:
attractions: h&m
food: meatballs . i think i'll recover mildly from starvation
shopping: h&m. i can't buy a bed back from ikea.

updates.

the part 2 of the brother saga was:

on the same day, later in the evening, my brother took the initiative to call the guy in trouble up. and he took the initiative to extend forgiveness. there's a lot that can't be revealed here but his little gesture saved the poor tormented soul from a lot of err..torment.

the next day, he even went to intercede with the principal for the guy in trouble and saved him from expulsion. through this, he also took the chance to share the gospel with the guy in trouble and introduce him to Jesus who can walk him through all these.

so i'm very proud of my 14 year old brother and will excuse his other brattiness for the week.

**
me: i feel fat
him: then there's just more of you to love lor.

**
me: i feel fat
sx: you're not fat lah, you're just flabby.

enroute clementi-aljunied, aljunied-clementi

The violin
An instrument of melancholy
Producing tunes so heavy
They drown me

Im drunk in its lullabies
Unable to rouse from slumber
Resonating with my soul's cries
The violin continues
To wail pain that otherwise cant be expressed

**

Why is it

that after so many battles fought

between your fierce will and the meekness of your soul

It still hurts

And the exchanges are still so curt

Why is it

that after so many years

There’s still a gaping wound

Overflowing with unfound fears

Why is it

That it turned out the way it did

The end was so tragic

When the start was most romantic

Why is it

that after so much

You won’t let go

Of your emotional crutch

And you don’t move on

After he’s long gone

Are you not tired?

of this repeatitive rhapsody

It’s unfeeling cruelty and sordid mess

there’s nothing there for a princess

the harsh lash of words

run like a broken record

The cutting words haunt you down

Like a drawn sword

It’ll never return

the past will never disarm itself.

it has sworn enmity against you

to steal your future

the hurt can’t be undone

but the healing can begin

There are answers

Too many of them

To each 'why' you asked

Job asked why 181 times

God didn’t answer him once

He just made his end sweeter

And restored double

Let’s stop figuring why

And settle for ‘it’s not meant to be’

there's no treasure in the past
so lets be curious about the future
and see where blessings lay hidden
just turn your back on them all
and surf the waves again

never mind 'if the sun should refuse to rise'
or 'the moon doesn't hang in the night'
the tides WILL change
seasons do rearrange
98 degrees has come and gone
come on
move on.

Flashes

A friend once remarked that i was 'extremely unromantic'. We saw a gorgeous necklace costing 50k and i remarked that i'd rather buy a car than buy that. (back then i wasn't wedding planning crazily. now the money wld go to the house. forget car)

Contrary to popular belief by those who know me shallowly, i really dun care for these things. Perhaps its in this area im misunderstood, among many others.

Eg: One ex suitor once sent me a message, ' if i bought you ---- ,u'd probably go out for dinner with me, if i gave u ____ u'd probably date me. But if i gave u my heart, u'd just think im cheap.'

(you know me best when u can rightly guess what i'll do with money.)

I also wanto be known for who i really am. And to be loved as imperfect as i am and not only be accepted when im perfected. Its terribly lonely without such 'soulmates' .And ive lost friends who can read me like a book and know me for what i truly am and anticipate my responses in every situation. Ive mourned the loss and theres yet to be restoration.

i cant say its ok or that i dont ache when i remember. Coz every friend is a irreplaceable gem to me.

**

today at approx 4pm, i thought i heard a voice that said 'go home'. I ignored it as it made no sense and i was happy today i had more 'free time" in the office to work on admin matters instead of being tied down by meetings.

Then i found out that while i was crunching orders for baby carriers, my brother was lying in Nuh as he was beaten up by a fellow classmate. This is not the first time the classmate has displayed unprovoked aggressiveness and this might be the final straw that may lend him in serious trouble with the law or have severe consequences in his future.

Noting that, my brother told his teacher that he has already forgiven his assailant and does not want to pursue this further. Im not sure if this is the wisest course of action as it might jeopardize others' safety. But what struck me is that the little brother i thought no more than bratty and spoilt could in his reduced state be putting others before himself, displaying compassion that i know can only come from His redeemed nature.

The brother shd be ok now but i pray that somehow god presides over this matter and not let my brother's blows go to waste. That somehow, this boy gets a taste of forgiveness and Jesus. That good will come out from this matter.

I hurt and ache for my little brother and my first natural action is to beat him up and a 1000 punitive measures conjred in my head as i rushed out of the office.

But deep down i think i know that He has a better plan hereafter and even this situation can be a platform for his glory to take off.

national day celebrations

friends are coming over next saturday.

and i'm supposed to cook. it went something like this :

them: "eh dinner how? you cook ah"
me: if you dare to eat i dare to cook
Paul: Ok set!

me (semi regretting and mind racing): ok spaghetti is ok.

5 minutes later.

them: ok ah, so spaghetti ah
me: well, if it doesnt turn out the way i expected it to, then it might be bei jing la mien (hand made noodles)
paul: so its a surprise?!
me: yah. up to your own interpretation. might be fusion also.
roy: it could be spaghetti (i nod), la mien (nod) or ...mamee (?!?!)!

beauty

we all want beauty that can be seen. beauty that will possibly provoke envy, beauty that can turn heads. we want to look like a dream when we twirl in dresses.

but how about a beauty that can be felt? a beauty that may not turn heads but may turn the prodigals back home. a beauty that exudes goodness and evokes repentance. this might be way more accessible and far more eternal that the seen, which is all but temporary.

than we can skip the fad diets and live with our fat arms.

**
it may be hard for me to ever truly receive a compliment because i tend to brush it aside and let it fly over my head. i cannot ingest it fully and humbly receive because i doubt its authenticity at times. i'd also rather deny it because it is just so hard to believe because a false image of self is so well entrenched despite being taught well.

so thank God for isaac's one liner out of the blue today that reached so far down into an aching place i forgot existed. it's a dungeon for the soul.

"you don't have to be perfect to be loved'.

so there, with my failings and all, he is still around. Jesus really loves me through this man and demonstrates His everlasting mercies and kindness towards me through this vessel.

thank you.

FBI wannabe

God sends friends to tell us that we are not alone and we can never make it alone.

so as i was wondering how to get through today, i was pleasantly surprised and rejuvenated by lunch sharing session with the colleague/friend. outpouring of words and sweat because it was like 37 degrees.

2 bottles of tea later and for her, 3, we're on a way back to work.

then it was for a store opening and at the party we met loads of familiar faces and learnt that genes can come in a very good pack. like some people can have good voice, good looks (from height to features) and be very rich and still be very nice and down to earth. seriously, this breed is not mythical and if a specimen is required, please let me know.

what happened to six degrees of separation? i think 4 is the new digit. party was ok but ive never been big on this. besides bag was too heavy and it was too hot. could do with more food though. am mildly embarassed by the flower we sent. i expected it to be bigger and better but aiyar, ok i learnt to always refer to catalogue instead of having sales personnel describe FLORAL arrangement to me over the phone.

have had a lot of unglam unflattering photos of thyself posted on facebook recently by friends. incriminating photos of me usually stuffing my face with food were taken during birthday dinner. just hope that none of those sort are caught on camera today. because i thought i remembered seeing a camera flash from the corner of my eye as i was eating lamb chop with my hands and said function.

as colleague/friend reminded me 'company reputation is at stake'. but lamb chop was so good. i was about to put lamb chop down and feel sheepish until i remembered that personal image was already questionable when i sat down beside her. the strong association already diluted whatever 'glamness' left in me.

and i'm still frying my brain with criminal minds and entertaining FBI fantasies. someone get me that ugly windbreaker that has FBI emblazoned in BRIGHT yellow on the behind.

whee!

met up with adelene for dinner at coffee club at raffles place for her to pass me her wedding invite.

and as we were eating we heard this huge PIANGGGG sound. this poor guy walked right into the glass. i thought i found my long-lost twin. i had strange impulses to run up and toast him with my ice water.

but i noted my friend's esteemed down to earth auditor reputation and repressed my desires.

**

so now she's also getting married. which makes her the 5th in our batch. mgs class of 99 is really breakng the mgs trend with so many of us getting hitched relatively early. its like the year of mass marrying.

more to go in the next two few years.

and i think all who got married so early were 'surprises' as we weren't the kinds who always went on dates and all. (ok lah, me at least).

**
there's not much of me to start with today
but you can have it all
before the altar and the cross
12 keys lay
and i wonder who these are for

my next 24 hours
i lay them down before you
have every second
and inhabit them

i'll take the keys
unlock your presents
i won't bury them
like the unprofitable servant
you'd have wanted me to share

it's been a tiring day and i am spent
do not despise my 'widow's mite'
consume it with your holy fire
i know you count this at treasure

remind me please that life is more than this mundane drill
that my first ministry
should be you
sorry i've been a martha
sorry i'm presenting my leftovers
and not my first fruits

that's cain's first crime
i don't want it to be mine
please take the very best
not after i fry my brain with criminal minds.
even if its 5 loaves and 2 fishes
sorrows, worries and cares

You said be still and trust
my eyes tell me i'm gathering dust
tell me again you're on my case
tell me again that it's all by your grace
so i can quell the lies of my flesh
soak up your peace and find rest.

light the night sky with stars
send a fluffy cloud my way
let the moon smile at me tonight
tell me in every possible way
that i am your beloved.

but i guess the best possible way
is to still take me to the cross
to revisit the gruesome sight
where you hung and died

take me to the empty tomb
where you conquered death
fly me across the map
and stop me at heaven
at your throne
so i can jump on your lap

let me ride a unicorn
so i can beat the ERP
i won't have to worry about parking without poles
or if my cashcard has money

i'll be spinning with joy
and float like casper
i'll be dancing on water

till my fantasy ends.

Circumcised

"you see the depths of my heart and you love me the same"

and that gives me courage and strength to accept myself.

**
the past three days have been nothing short of awesome. It's been awhile since i saw, dreamt and heard and had it confirmed. did heaven invade earth or what? the details were so clear,the glory was so strong. the love was so compelling. i cringed, cried, fell while He undid me only to raise me up again. knots were undone within my soul as freedom coursed through my spirit.

my heavenly husband is at hand. as He came, i knew he wanted something from me and i struggled to relinquish my rights to be angry, the wrongs done to me.

I wanted to run out and shout it out. "don't cast your pearls before swine'' and my heart grieved, knowing that they'll trample on them.



I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up
and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me.

You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave
I'd be a fool'
Cause I've finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend
You needed me
You needed me

--Anne Murray, "you needed me"

observations

bones is my new fascination. save. me from wanting to join FBI.

isit a coincidence the two institutions in trouble now are both initialized as F.M? fannie may and freddie mac. what cute names. now the feds have to rescue them.

i'm not trivializing here. it's serious and we're all in trouble if they go down but its just my humble observation and i think i finally mastered the art of being cool and not lapsing into kancheong spider mode.

whee!

thoughts of the week

this dangerous cocktail of emotions inside me. i want to puke it all out.
i want to stick my head out above the water to breathe. to remember, to live.

yesterday was one very happy day. we had the bestest of time together and i returned home feeling so blessed and rich. and we didn't even do anything special, check out any good food. we just..were together. i wish i wouldn't allow distractions and lesser things to cloud my vision of life and judge the quality of the life i now live. because really, it is quite very fantastic. possibly the best its ever been. but yet i struggle with the lamentations, the bad attitudes and habits of the past. worst of all, the occasional bouts of heaviness that just leaves me so weary.

i want to be faithful too. to react with Grace and with Jesus when the heat is turned on. yet, its the stinking flesh that permeates my spirit. i find it inspiring to witness the lives of people who have stayed faithful throughout in the face of severe trials, unquestioningly, determinedly and steadfastly. everyone will transit out of the trial at some point- but with what? with grace or bitterness? hurt or hope?forgiveness or brokenness?

there is more ugliness in me than i thought was possible to inhabit a human spirit. but i take solance and refuge in Jesus. this is all i have and thankfully all i need.

i want to embark on a pilgramage of sorts. to clear the ears and eyes of my soul to gain new perspectives, to hear His whisper in the cool of the day again. and i'm realizing its no longer restricted to going on some personal retreat and isolating myself from everything i've known. this is a luxury i'm denied now but God is still gracious. it's being aware in the everyday of Him, seeing His invisible hand at work and trusting in His promises of old.

it's cliche and has been repeated to death but maybe it's really all that simple.

the cares of this life are many. distractions are plentiful..that steal my heart and soul and time away from the one who loves me the most. i can't cling on to these lesser things, these little deadweights add up and soon, i'm stuck. it's time to cut off these chains and run till i'm soaring again and let the wind take me. its a destiny at stake and i'm not available for compromise.

so many ruined have passed me by. so many who have lived but merely exist today. so many detours and u turns. so hard to stay on the right track. to be who He made me to be.

i love hanging out with people who are real. upfront about who they are, their struggles and pains. to let me know this is not stepford. that i'm not alone. i love it more when i see them triumph, in a world that is hostile to righteousness and justice and repels the name of Jesus. i love it. that even in deep persecutions, their glory remains unabated and sometimes, it's like i can just see the beautiful crown set aside for them at the end of their race.

and i want to be numbered among them.

5th duckobell

yay! we hit the 5th year and this is the last duckobell we're celebrating whereby we have to say goodbye at the end of the eveningand head home separately.

so this year we decided to do something different (and very low budget). not fancy dinners at ritz, no fancy presents (ok, that's not new) etc. we decided to take a trip back down memory lane and relive what happened on the very first duckobell day, 5 years ago.

so after work we headed for dinner at wherewe had our first unromantic date: far eastplaza and ate at the same eatery but different table and more dishes this time. it is the green signboard new station 'restaurant' and we had zi char. back then, we were poor hungry students and couldn't afford to order much. it would have been romantic if we even shared the same bowl o claypot rice but of coz that didnt happen because no 1) we werent that poor and no 2) we were xinying and isaac and we just don't share food.

so we ate heartily and i'm glad to say that 5 years from that very first 'date', isaac didnt pick his teeth infront of me. so that was good.

after that, we headed to wisma which would always have a special placeinour hearts coz thats where we really really began, outside the toilet. there he first asked me 'err so are you my gf'. this is by now infamous coz i in my flabbergasted state back then told everyone that i found the most unromantic guy in the world and yet fell in love with him.

so this time, he asked me the same question but the correct answer is 'no', as opposed to back then's 'HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THIS KIND OF QUESTION?!". because i'll be his wife in 5 mths!

so anyways, the long in short is that we had a great time eating , reminiscing and thanking God for his faithfulness because we so nearly didnt make it.

so there, thank you dear Father. for duckobell . for your goodness. for your faithfulness. for each other. MUAH.

**
looking in the mirror...
me: urgh. i'm so not cool. so unglam. and smelly (From the food fumes at far east).
him: it's ok. coz if you were cool, we won't be compatible.

good point.

**
walking past bang and olufsen...we decided it sounded like a car accident.

BANG! O! Lu Sen (the seatbelt!)

Rs

Not reduce, reuse and recycle.
Regrets/rewind

the most painful word established in the english vocabulary.

Many times, i want to hit myself and wish very hard that i could just the time back by those few minutes to right the wrong and better that moment. but its all futile. that has never and will never materialized.

the trap to get me stuck in the 'if only's of life keeps me from advancing to the best and unlimited that the future offers. my best years are not behind me, neither is it now. its infront. i hope to still be saying this when i'm 70, 80. it'll always be ahead. never behind.

i might have done better in that moment on hindsight. but i'll never have the moment back. i can only seize the next one.

*
Revenge

i want to hit back and right my own wrongs done to me. and i know i have the claws like wolverine, hidden but mighty. i know i can scratch them alive and make them eat their words. i know my words can tear much down and i've been strugglign to bridle them. to let go of my rights and let God. to leave Him to be the judge and to absolve myself in this situation.

it goes against everything that i am. the one who will fight. i am now called to be meek and to submit my 'predicament' to Him even when injustice was done towards me. the only battle i am called to now is the battle against my flesh.

i can be antagonistic and ruthless. but i'm struggling not to be. because some time ago, i signed my life away to be His follower, bearing up the cross to walk the talk. now i have to love my enemies through the love shed abroad. and this year, i've been challenged endlessly to love the painfully unloveable even as they unrepentantly choose to sin against me. just as I have sinned against my God but have gained forgiveness.

now, all i really desire is grace to keep forgiving despite the unrelentless tide of offense. maybe they really don't know what they do. and i leave my interests in His palm, knowing somehow, all this will pan out for His glory and He will take care of me.(before i give up and take care of them.)

*
Respite

Bangkok provided a great respite for me from the bustle of life. i enjoyed being away, being uncontactable (somewhat) and being with my good friend, who painstakingly put up withmy messiness and tardiness when she suffers from an extreme form of obsessive compulsive disorder.

(so in the end she had to pack for me by sorting out my stuff properly while i was previously throwing and dumping and then attemptign to sit on luggage to close it). I appreciate the carefully and thoughtfully planned itinery that even gives us a 1 hr break and everything so so much and the patience when i said i'll nap 15 minutes but zonk out for like 1 hr and the bag shopping.

and the list goes on.

this trip also unveiled another thing. that i look very local and thai. it's not just the clothes (because i look sloppier than the street hawker) but that i just look thai. people actually express genuine surprise when i say i'm not thai.

this has to serve a purpose. besides being able to get better bargains because tourists usually get ripped off, maybe it'll help meto assimilate better during ministry/mission trips. but it'll take quite a miracle for me to remotely master the sing song thai language lah.

i'm thankful for it and i think i came back better. more ready to take the problems thrown head on. i think that if not for the break i might have really broken down emotionally,mentally and physically because of the sheer stress of everything. i want to go back one day. i see it. not just for teh shopping but i want to visit the slums with physical and spiritual provisions from heaven and reclaim some territory back for my Lord.

prepare for my return, thailand.

world and personal transitions

is the media in love with Obama or what? but i can understand why. i'm a fan too. i try to be objective and try my bestest to restrain me to denounce the other candidates but this man really won me over in so many ways.

Now i'm just waiting to see what he'll say concerning zion and after that it pretty much seals my vote. as if i get to vote. but well at least i'm committed to praying God's choice into the white house.

its not the good looks as some of his detractors like to expound on that kept me spell bound. there's so much more from fund raising methods to governanceof his campaigning committee etc. everything he does is so unprecedented and fresh (no wonder they denounce him for being inexperienced). if this is what inexperience is about, i'm all for it.

joshua was quite inexperienced in leading the people into the promised land but he was God's choice. i think this signals something very new in the world. i'm ready for America's first black president. I'm ready for the eagle to soar again and turn the tide around and soar so high against the boarish bear and the proud dragon. *oops*

**
i've been so greatly fatigued lately with packing and just thinking about the things that lay ahead. there seems to be no respite which is why i'm so looking forward to rest.

2008 really bullet sped past me and yes although we're only in june, i can sniff december already. it's round the corner.

being thrust and vascillated endlessly between the present and the future so often rendered me somewhat an amnesiac towards history. my packing uncovered adventures of the past and the highlight really was pictures of the past. sadly, i don't have many of myself in mgs and pjc but those i had made me laugh (and cringe).

i'd like to think i was never THAT dorky but the picture evidence spoke strongly against me. it brought me back down memory lane while i revisited old friendships in those pictures and the naivety that characterized that age. i liked the innocence that was associated with it and remember the petty squabbles with friends.

the photos charted the course i've taken and the long wayi've come. it's such an amazingness seeing how God operated on me bit by bit and how much more He'll take me. and i'm so blessed and proud that many from those photos are still present in my life today. i consider that true treasure and am a firm believer that how rich you are is often quite defined by your relationships. when i think about th epeople i've been blessed with and how our friendships have endured the ages and transcended so much, i do think i'm very rich.

when i'm married and have household obligations (like cooking and ironing), i'll miss many things of singlehood. and while i enter a different phase which many of my friends aren't inaugarated into yet, i have the faith that while our activities differ, our friendship will remain and continue to get better with age. as with eachtransition, somethings have to go to make way for the new.there'll probably be no more sleepovers which is something we left behind in the 20th century. and we might end up bonding in the aisles of supermarkets as we ponder over which brand of washing powder provides the best value of money instead of the fitting room where we ponder over 'which pair of jeans doesn't make my butt look fat and my legs long'.

nah, i'm kidding. my friends thankfully are more than shopping buddies (they are eating kakis too, esp mei ling and shuxin). there is more that we talk about and i like it that we can bare ur hearts and bear each other up. (until i get so irritating they all explode.but i secretly enjoy exasperating them)

i can't take all along with me as i transit from singlehood to marriage. i'm leaving my soft toys, books and some other relics behind. and my wilfuness, rights and pride to begin my covenant that will stretch eternity .

my technological milestones

1996-hotmail account set up. by mei ling (i've since progressed to yahoo/gmail)
1997- irc set up by mei ling
1997-icq set up by cali (which i ended up using for a looong time even when all of you abandoned me for msn!)
2005-msn. by this thankfully comes with windows live.
2004-blogger set up by cali
2005-friendster set up by cali
2006-flickr set up by cali.
2008-facebook set up by cali, wedding photos uploaded by cali, snapfish set up by cali
1996-? mei ling records all my missed episodes of tv shows. because even if i had a vcr, i wouldn't know how to use it.


what will i do without my friends?
live in a cave.with dinosaurs.

i will never be a model

for more reasons than one.

1)i'm uber unprofessional and i hate posing posing posing. the photographer said that unlike couples who want more more more pictures to milk their money's worth, i'm like 'ok, this is so hard, ok let's go!lament lament''

2)in her words, i'm ''pose like robot'' -stiff.

3)i don't take instructions very well.
eg: from far, "xinying!!show your flowers!!!"
me: "huh?!?!"
isaac behind me "SHOWWW your flowers at her!!"
me (bewildered that they asked me to throw the flowers but willing obeyed' threw the bouquet at the photographer. and hit her face.

photographer: "i'm gg to vomit''
2 interpretations of that line : i'm so exasperated i'm gg to vomit, you hit me so hard i'm gg to vomit (the bouquet has a long hard stick below)

4)you already know this by now...i'm clumsy.

up the stairs: trips and falls X4 among other things.

**
special thanks to calista teo...who went the extra mile for her clumsy friend literally. and who ended up being more tired than on a workday for me. and she did so cheerily and so lovingly! gah!!huggg!

the ah goonbride signs out.
thank you!!!!!

doing better next time

"I will confide this to you: One of my greatest disappointments and a grief that I carry is to have watched some of the most spiritually-gifted people fail, backslide, and bury the great gifts that they were given. Because my calling is to build people, the "talents" I have been entrusted with are the people. Though I understand that God has given people freedom to make their own choices, I still carry a grief for those who fail. I cannot help but to wonder what I could have done to prevent this.
Don't feel sorry for me or try to alleviate this feeling because it is basic that with authority comes responsibility, and I am not concerned with feeling better as much as I am with doing better. The only way that I will feel better is to see improvement, and I think that we are, but I also do not want to just sweep our failures under the rug. I want to learn everything I can from them so I can do better with the people the Lord entrusts to us. "

-Rick Joyner, morningstar ministries.

thinking aloud.

"The Bible is not the record of people following the rules and grabbing the blessing. The Bible is a record of grace breaking into people's lives—usually in the form of suffering—who otherwise would never have been able to overcome their own corruption and brokenness."

Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian church.

wah, solid.

**
on another note, i'm thinking wedding (finally, i know i know) so here's thinking aloud and i appreciate comments/advice/volunteers but please don't have major debate etc.

bridesmaid's dresses
cut: ok since all of you want different things and i so don't want cookie cutter , i let you all decide.
it must be matching but ie: no polka dots and bold colors. same color theme will be good.
if you all have trouble getting it off the rack, cut it out of the magazine and we see what a tailor and arab street cloth suppliers can do.


registration
i need 4? including treasurer. isaac wants some of his friends there also.

annabelle?jon?joana?zijuan?adelene? ok that's 5. haha, isaac's friends will do ushering then. or bouncers. wah jon is a lucky guy.

jon has also volunteered to do a song and dance solo but i'm gently declining that gracious offer.

Emcees
cali and niq. so you all need to meet soon with me to discuss. i want to vet script because niq has incriminating stuff that constitutes as blackmail material.

overall coordination
maria .

speech
shuxin

worship team
isaac's people are taking care of this

my cell grp shd be involved. ok, they can prepare special non embarassing item.

and of course, last but not the least
oxygen tank-mei ling!

screening of montage/projector:
someone techy. joel?

wedding car driver:
isaac's friend ben?

the rest of the committee, i know almost all got private transport but i appreciate car pooling (ie. all my bridesmaids livein bukit timah!!) because we must do our part to save the environment.
(what i actually mean is parking is tight)
that's all, what am i missing?

ok then i'll organize a get together since all of you are from everywhere and we need to play stupid ice breakers to get some real synergy going here! nobody is allowed to bond by sharing weird stories about me.wah, come to think abt it these are the major grps: mgs, nhps, pj,new creation, cornerstone. and all are coincidentally christian.good.i like christian army.

isaac's friends will take care of worship, ushering, gate crashing (so you all must hold the fort!) etc.

Plea

The Lord has to divorce me from disappointed hope and help me to transcend above the pitfalls of despair to trust again. I admit my doubt and unbelief and I lay them at the foot of the cross. (and not take them back)I've struggled and crucified them a thousand times over and have no victory. I handing it over now for Him to enforce Hisvictory, their defeat over my soul.

Reclaim me for Yourself only Lord and consecrate me for Your purposes.

The distractions and trappings of wealth are very real but I know He understands and doesn't despise my weaknesses.

Sever the memory and tauntings of a history that included a time of seeming unanswered prayer and restore and baptize me again in simple childlike trust and faith.

For nothing else inherits and accesses Him more than a child like faith. And that is what I want. To please Him

dashing to the altar!

ok.

somehow i have to find time to collect keys, renovate the house and move out of one house into another FAST.

july will be a 'relak' month with 3 birthdays and 1 anniversary and alot of yays.

then come aug, what is 20% tentative and 80% sure is new york. then baby fair for 21 days.

then sept, it'll be alot of time in the skies as we head paris, cologne and stockholm.

then i'll be back and be dashing all the way to the altar. with my wedding planner and train in tow. which means i have to decide on dresses and other things. like digging up photos for montage, guestslists, speeches etc.

then after that, i just want to collapse and rest.

from miss l to mrs q

i hate being away from isaac. i've said this before and i have repeated this at least 10000 times but it remains unchanged.

i told him so but he thinks i'm just being clingy and 'dependent'. oh well, too bad then. i will stick like superglue and he better get used to it come dec 27th.

i like it then when i forget my sunglasses and can't take the glare, he will put his hands over my eyes so that there is effectively no glare (infact, there is no vision) and he'll just take my hand and lead me. well, we must look quite ridiculous to the rest of the world but it's ok, we're safe and snug in our own.

and when i go 'my shoulders are ugly' when looking at my reflection in the glass panel, he covers them with his arms, hugging me from behind so that i see instead that i'm loved. and know this: in just one man's eyes at least in this world of too many, i'm beautiful.

just about 7 mths more and its time to ponder over guestlists and get my bridesmaids some clothes. or likei said, buy cloth from arab street with safety pins. haha.

and in 7 mths, we'll no more be sending air kisses over the phone at 11pm every weekday night. we'll transit over to the world of real goodnight kisses! (and he'll be my slave forevermore! ) oops.read: wives submit to your husband ..(bible page 1015 aka 1 Peter 3:1)

we'll end our 5 year long distance upp changi east and west coast crescent relationship and move into the era of strathmore avenue.

Remembering Maria Sue

ending a cycle.

when death comes prematurely, we all mourn the loss of 'what could have been'.

this week,death struck twice. once, near home but a lot less tragic for it was a life well lived and spanned over 8 decades.

Esther, (isaac's grandma) and a future grandmother in law for me went home into the arms of Jesus on thursday, 22nd May.

While we all shed a tear coz we missed her, we laughed at her 'so cute' antics like how she would clap and sing along to 'beautiful sunday' and always went 'oh dear dear dear ' in her signature Esther style.

she was a cheerful vibrant spunky ah ma and got habitually distracted by nice pretty things. the vanity vein did not miss her, like most of her female counterparts and she fussed over her hair to make sure that it was freshly dyed, in the same vain hope to conceal that she was a grandma of over 8 decades old.

all in all, she was loved, cherished and cared for. and now, she joins her heavenly husband, our lord Jesus and her earthly husband, Donald together with her firstborn, Mary in heaven.

**
news from further away but harder to bear that evoked a greater 'grief reaction' however came in the form of Maria Chapman's sudden demise due to a tragic car accident. this little Chinese girl escaped probable female infanticide or a fate much worse as she was adopted from China into a loving, Christian American home.

just 10 days after her 5th birthday, for reasons I can't fathom but can't stop pondering over, she returned to her heavenly home.

this news hit me hard and the frustrations of a regular work day just faded into oblivion as new grief dominated my thoughts. it's the 'whys' and the imagining of the pain her family must be going through etc etc that raced endlessly through my mind.

i don't have the answers but i know Maria today is with Jesus and that is a mighty comfort. How many people can say that of their children? they may have lived a successful illustrious life in all earthly measures but at the end of the cycle, if it doesn't lead to Jesus, it is all futile. all nothing. zilch. even heaven is nothing without Jesus.

someday, the answers will come and death will be no more. someday, in the heavenly courts where praises ring and families reunite, all the tears will be no more. but until that someday, His grace and comfort be our sufficiency. His presence, Himself be our all in all.

perilous times

" For we know that the whole creation has been groaning togethe in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies"

Romans 8: 22-23

myanmar cyclone. sichuanearthquake. philippines typhoon. sumatra earthquake.

what next?

in Christ alone

will i glory.
if i didn't update any longer, this would rust. this blog was started to document Him in my life and the recent event,though not spectacular deserves an entry.

i never thought it was possible and i berated myself over the course of preparing (and fretting) as to why i did this. this was completely my own initiative and i had no one to blame and despite knowing i had close to no human resource (but not realizing the scale it would eventually be), i charged ahead.

even if this was my swansong, i think it concluded very nicely. i never thought i could even do it since i have close to zero coordination skills and am uptight, perfectionistic and terribly short-handed. but i guess, in everything, this is true: God + me = majority and nothing is impossible if i have Him.

He was truly the invisible hand behind the event. there was nothing spectacular but all i would say complimented the event (although i don't know if it was out of courtesy) because of the intangible aspects. this was the warmth, the laughter, the fine balance between presentation and relaxation. i had no control over these aspects no matterhow much i planned and its the general dynamics of the crowd that caused the event to be successful. and for that, i only have Him to credit as He mingled invisibly in the crowd as the chief host and servant.

He was the first person I invited and I'm so glad He showed up. otherwise, I'd be left with just me and a very sad show. prior to the event, i was assaulted by thoughts of terrible 'what ifs' such as if no one turned up etc.

all in all, i watched in awe as how everything i didn't plan panned out and all my blind corners covered by His dedication. and most of all, i'm so grateful He held me together. in the multitude of my anxieties, He truly comforted my soul and strengthened me both physically and emotionally.

I just pray that the eyes of those who have yet to encounter Him will see Him. I can't quite say 'thank you' when a compliment is served because i know i just can't take credit for this. Nobody knows how i could barely hold together and how much I wanted to give up. Nobody knew the wreck i was or imagined the loser i could be if He was not on the scene. Not just for this event, but life itself.

I just pray, that when i say 'praise God', 'Jesus blessed this', 'my prayers were answered', that it would be a little seed of His glory germinating in their heart that will erupt into more evidences of His future manifest glory. i'm not trying to be modest. i'm only being truthful.

I just pray that they'll see beyond me. and if they can't, i would be sorely disappointed and sorry for inadvertently robbing the glory of my best friend.

i've been thinking over the past few days and one reason why i was sorely disappointed and disheartened with work/career is that i always wanted my job to not just be a job but a ministry. that God can through me change conditions to better the lives of people, to change people, to touch hearts, to be the glove for His hand to work through to yield results to bless the company.

i want to sow a seed of His person in human hearts, be a friend /intercessor to those who don't know Him and be a runway for His glory to take flight so that His name can be exalted.

i want to make money. not so that isaac and i can live like a king but so that we can serve more people with this money and meet all our needs. at the risk of sounding overly altruistic and drawing glory to myself, do note that none of these desires have bore fruit. and that is why, i'm here at this fork in the road wondering and wandering.

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And only by His strength I've overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hand
But those trophies would not equal
To the grace on which I stand

"in Christ alone"

brief update

am so glad to be back.
i just realized i hvae an uncanny love-hate relationship with HK, all because i got really sick on both trips this month there.

first one, i had a severe case of gastric and i was in a lot of pain at some ulu convention centre. and before i knew it, i did a merlion.
then just yesterday, i was being wrapped up in blankets and guzzling hot water as a fever raged on and my throat felt like i swallowed blades.

my consolation was that this time, mum was with me and she nursed me and prayed and prayed while i lay in bed shivering. i actually felt a tangible shift and release when she was done praying. my mum is such a prayer warrior. wish my mum could travel with me whereever i go.


sometimes it feels so surreal how its possible to shuttle so much in like 3 days. i cannot believe i was still in hk a few hours ago and now here i am. its kinda disconcerting and i feel like i've lost all my bearings.

and during my last trip to hk 2 weeks ago, i kept thinking i was in china.

off to bed. =/

broken

i like to be read. not in the sense that you read my blog and i feel like endorphins are coursing through my veins.

i like it when my sentences can be finished, my reactions can be anticipated etc. i like it that someone knows me so well , it makes me feel less lone in this world.

**
things have changed.
previously when i get a new diary organizer, i first mark down all the birthdays i possibly remember. now, ijust mark down deadlines and various other schedules.

this year, the diary is filling up faster than i expected. everything at once.

**
i don't like to come undone in public and i thought i was holding up quite well. until your searing hands cradled my head. then my tears gushed own my face like a dam breaking. the release of emotions was liberating. but i don't know what i'm crying for. except that maybe You know my struggles. You know it all and that itself was very comforting alone already.

i suck at trying to be strong. and any front to be superwoman is a terrible disguise. i can do a lot less than i think i can and i am a lot less infact that all you all think i am. i don't cope well knowing i'm far away and connected only by a phone line, even though thankfully, i've been in the same timezone.

i don't cope well when i can't figure out how and when in life, work etc. i don't. and in those moments, i need your invisible but tangible presence to just help me take stock of things and hold me. to tell me that i'm not in charge, but You. to tell me that You are here when family and familiarity is miles away.

i'm still trapped within my youth and grandiose but unrealistic dreams to maximize my 20s but thinking that if i run at the speed of a bullet train and try as much as i can, i can sleep at night, and on my last day on earth with no regrets. but i still can't. i've gathered so much on my plate in the buffet of life and now i don't know what to do. at all. i'm vulnerable against the attacks of 'what ifs' and daunting thoughts that i might actuallybe the one to ruin it all.

you know thisis my crisis of confusion and i need you to help me sieve out the chaff and set my path straight again. all i want to do is hole up in bed and yet sleep is elusive and disturbed.

something happened to me somewhere along the way. i can't find me and i need you to help.

i like the now so much. thank you

these unfamiliar plains
these clouds thunder and rain
how did i arrive
They say I've been here before
Well, the landscape must have changed

Nothing is familiar
Nothing is clear
Nothing struck a chord
Nothing
they called it amnesia

I don't see my footprints
as i walked on the grey sand
But I see plenty others
From size five to size nine
many have been here
but where were mine

i wonder where they have gone
i wonder who they are

Then I saw a little hill in the horizon
And I inched forward in curiosity
Stumbling I fell face forward
face to face with a cold stone
a reminder
that it was here i was left alone

there, my epitaph coldly proclaimed
'The girl I saw today: 2000-2003'
spelling my brief existence
only the years and not the months
Because I had several resurrections
before you laid me to eternal rest
leaving me to seek my best

i scanned the rest of the grey
and there were no other tombs
where did the others go
perhaps over that cliff
and dived into the snow

i wonder how long i laid in that shallow grave
before the stone rolled away
sheer trauma and fear
that tried and tested my faith

I woke up from that dream
With a heartache so salient
My chest tightened , persperation dotted my brow
Until Your peace swept me to the present

I was on another plain
A large vast expanse
this is home
the running brooks of water so divine
that quenched a thirst so deep
every thing, was alive and mine
life was bursting out of my every breath
unlike the other, there was no sign of death

I'm so glad to be home
And I'll never leave
I was clothed with love
housed with peace and joy
I transcended from death to life
There were my favorite fruit trees and a happy golden retriever
Among a few of my favorite things
Then I saw the favorite persons
My covenant partner
my darling laughter
my heart corded to his with love
And beside him, my Savior and Master
the author of the impossible


Phew

miserable

am miserable. both physically and emotionally.

am down with a cold and the medicine i ingest seem to be pure poison making me woozy and barely providing enough relief for the persistent symptoms that compound my discomfort in my soul.

am miserable emotionally because i feel lost.

i just want to go so far away so i don't have to think about the 'to do ' list that i've penned out. i just want my mind to come to a complete stand still for a good hour. and my heart to stop its ridiculous palpitations, like an alarm ready to go off.

it's not excitement but dread. and i don't know how to step out of this rut.i need a fresh breath and somethingnew to smile about. i don't like what it has become.

a mid level leap into the air
left me on my bum in the valley of where
my bearings are incomposite
this doesn't look like my destination
what happened

i looked around the bare
and i saw you in the darkness
the light beckoning me
i stepped into the elevator called 'waiting'
and pushed the button called 'patience'
this must be it!
i beamed excitedly waiting
for the doors to open
to a brand new beginning

minutes passed, and then hours
the door did not open
i stomped about the 1 metre square
i felt abandoned,
''you didn't care''

the minutes ticked by
the pressure made me sick
i had to swallow for my ears to pop
but still all was silent

and then suddenly the doors flew open
like the gates of heaven
my eyes blinked at the light
piercing my vision and illuminating my darkness
and there you were
with a table and spread
saying, the wait is over.

i wish i didn't sit by grumbling
i wish i didn't stomp around the 1 metre square
i wish i made it my prayer closet
patiently abiding
trusting

but the moment would not return
the elevator defies gravity
and wouldn't head down to where
now that i'm there

fragments

i've left you my blog to collect dust as i hurry through life shuttling around, climbing up the slopes of mid levels and scouring cheung sha wan for no 777, a building at the end of the road, a very long road, a foregone conclusion that should have arrived much earlier so that we could rest our tired bodies, minds and souls.
**
I don't want to drive people to green envy with the opulence of the chandeliers and the visual spectacle of the assembly of accessories.I want to drive people to jesus as they witness the goodness and works of God in our lives.Above all, he must not just be the planner but be the guest. The vip guest.Up to this point, I often find myself dumbfounded as to what I want for my wedding. Ie, what dress, what jewellery, what theme etc.I had no clue. Until now.

But what I truly want is intangible, felt and not seen. Experienced. I don't just want my guests walking away enjoying themselves. If the core of their being is touched by the greatest love in the world, if they walk away witha deposit of my lovely lord jesus christ, I've had my perfect wedding.

There have been so many offers to help with the sourcing of various wedding stuff. I truly appreciate that but what I seriously covet is your prayers that isaac and I will have grace for a lifetime together, walking thru the mountains and valleys together with His peace and joy. That there will be forbearance and grace for each othes shortcomings and love to build each other up and a warm home of comfort to come home to every night as we sojourn thru a world that is not our home.

yay. no more air kisses over the phone at 11pm. real ones from 7pm onwards!everyday!
**
i want to relinquish ownership to you all over again, now that i don't have the slightest clue where all is heading. maybe i do have a clue but its not clear enough and the signal is weak. i want you to own fully so that i know i'm in good hands. i turn and surrender those areas of my heart to you so you can inhabit them. here is your latest new home to add to your collection Jesus. Have a happy stay.

**
i've been reading obsessively a book i cannot recommend. i've been reading it while trying to find a footingin that crowded moving tube they call public transport which barely transports you from point a to point b alive.

i've been skipping tv and many other things to finish the book and 600 pages or so later, i'm done.

this book has cost me 170 hkd. and i nearly missed my flight as a result. for the first time in my life, i was the last person to board the plane and heard my name announced. because i was trying to pay for the book and get to the cashier.

and speaking of which, i'm glad it'll be awhile before i board the plane again. how long exactly i'm not sure. because i'm sick of plane food when i used to be intrigued by the little sets and how tidily they were lined up. (familiarity breeds contempt) and i came face to face with the reality that i was away from home too much (at least in my own estimation) when i watched almost everything thatcould remotely interest me on krisflyer. they didnt even have time to change the schedule before i boarded the next flight. so that's why it brings me back to my semi original point-i had to have thebook or be bored.

**
a lot of you know the artefacts of the past in my museum. some are worth some money and im putting them up for sale. because that night, it came back to haunt me. so the next day i rushed to the cupboard that housed the memories to take them out. to put them outside, in the hope that it'll keep the sting away. and the memories will be detached from the present , and leave the present and future untainted and clean.

to my amazement, they had not a mite or dust on them. never mind, they're still going on ebay. i hope i'm not cheapening it by auctioning it online. because i know i really am saying that the memories aren't worth that much that i'd trade them in for money. well, they contributed to who i am today but i wouldn't want to keep them, an emblem of disappointments, hurts, spite and also forgiveness.

here comes the bride

there are many ridiculously tiny skinny brides whose gowns i can't fit.

mei ling was very worried (for herself) when she couldn't zip me up. but don't worry, i'm still eating healthily.

had two voices and sometimes three voices debating which dress i shd pick and wear. at the end , aftr 3 hrs, we finally reached consensus and i was so relieved. and i actually really like it too! thanks =)

my friends and mum also found out to their horror how obiang isaacs taste was. we can't quite decide if it was pure bad taste or if he just wants to uglify me so that no one will ever want me but him.

in mei ling's words, he always pick out the ugliest in the rack/page. this comment does wonders for my self esteem. i wonder ifhis bad taste brought him to me....

but lah dee dah. i'm happy. except that i tried on so many i can't quite remember what the selected looks like.

and bumped into the owner joey and chris. who completely didn't recognize me. she called me up later to say that she told her staff to alert her when i arrive and they didn't. shez the sweetest, alwaysthrowing in free things for us and we really feel an affinity with her.

we arranged to meet up the next time i swing by. in the meantime, the photoshoots set for 6 june.

here comes the bride!*skips and twirls! and lands on the ground gracefully*

china in brief

last night dinner in beijing

hoi leong, shuxin,me, eve
our service apt in beijing.
with our own walk in wardrobe!which we had nothing to put in.
but unfortunatelywe had to share a bed.(in shanghai i had my own room!)
ma la (hot pot something) which made most sweat but i emerged somewhat chilli champion.
birds nest olympic stadium
in the bus

shuxin with eggy. (it was smiling. two eyes and a smile.)
at shenzhen
raffles city shanghai
xin tian di shanghai
mean chilli basket with prawns somewherebelow. at the corner, quite potent 'huang jiu'