swinging doors

i feel so uneasy. like i can't stay still.

even when im physically still my mind issnt and i just either

1) go down memory lane and reminisce, cringe, get all nostalgic or be very horrified

2)evaluate every single situation of my life. past and present.

just the other day i passed by my jc and i can't help but feel...so..i dunno. i dun even noe how to describe that strange feeling. i saw the football field (which is now a lallang field, my old classrooms and all and i cant believe that im past that stage of my life. i know it darzen make sense at all but it feels so yesterday and i cant believe that my life is so so different now. its like i was a different person altogether. maybe i am..and the inability to reconcile many many aspects of the past and present is quite appalling...although it might not be a bad thing. i don't really relish being the me that i used to be.its so much worse than now...and now izznt exactly perfect..

and i've been seeing so many ex jc mates all over singapore. here and there. some whose names i cant even recall even though i saw them everyday. yes that is me. out of sight, out of mind. i really was such a simple blur girl and now..its such a different story. things that used to be such a big deal to me back then and news that were so sensational are just so..passe. they don't even stir up ANYTHING in me today. alot of pple often ask why i just MIA-ed altogether from the scene when it comes to reunions gatherings etc. but i just can't connect anymore because im no longer the person i used to be and its a startling revelation. ive tried to be as inconspicuous as possible at gatherings hoping that i wun have to say too much but when i do, pple box me up in what they used to know me as..and its hard to break out of the mould in their minds and because i can't relate to that old girl anymore.....i just go on and feel out of place...

and as a direct result, i just feel i have lesser and lesser friends as this situation is not exclusive to jc friends. pple that i truly can connect with and share with are few and far between now.

its actually easier to be alone nowadays coz its so tiring to have to explain and update and hope people see your point of view. in fact its very futile and i hope im not the only one who realises it. i truly wanto keep most of the ties that were established but i cant deny that things are so not the same anymore and will never be. as such, i guess the dilution of these ties that once mattered so much is inevitable. i cant even enjoy the activities that i used to enjoy with these friends. nothing. everything evaporated and there's really nothing you can grasp on to no matter how hard you try. its really all just vapour now.

despite that, it darzen mean that these people don't have a place in my heart anymore. i truly still care and love them and am grateful for all the wonderful times shared but...not many people understand that. its easier to dismiss that possibility as the truth of the nature is really quite unique and hard to comprehend.
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i still desperately want everything in my life to be perfect and despite realising that this can never be the case as long as i am on earth....is...quite..VERY frustrating. i seriously dunno whats so wrong with me. i dun think i've ever really been this particular and now the slightest thing gets on my nerves. if this is a quarter life crisis, it'd better pass soon. i'm not the most patient saint in the world right now although i hope to reach that point in life like NOWWWWWWW.

right now the only person whom i can really talk to besides the Lord anytime of the day and about anything is my toy elephant. meet xiang xiang. (or pang pang in dialect)shes the only one i know who really will never fall asleep when i whine and cry. and she bears alot of similarities to our Lord Jesus. long suffering in more ways than one. and she has really really big ears (think dumbo)..perfect listener. God must have made her for me. i hope He'll give her a pass to enter heaven too.

thank God its sunday tmr. church is always a good thing to have on any agenda.

evidently, i have nothing now except a void for Jesus to fill. which to Him, is His favourite situation to have.oh well...

"thank you for choosing me to be your child and bear your name...."