Speak

Speak when u nudge my heart
Speak thru the silent art
Speak as a whisper in the storm n thunder
Speak friend counsellor n father
Speak for ur child hears
Speak for ur word quells fears
Speak for ull hv the last word
Speak for I will obey
Speak when we worship n pray
Speak thru the burning vision emblazoned on my soul
Speak please silence aint gold.
Speak even in the unspoken
Speak when I am forgotten
Speak to silence those lies
Speak my Father so I'll realize
Speak until all I hear is you
Your voice of truth reverberating through the walls of my heart
Breaking down all the girl-made defenses that will not last
So your power can invade to set the captivated soul free.

changing perspectives

It's been more than a month since my last entry.

Many times, I've had a flurry of inspiration to pen down my thoughts but it never materialized and remained as 'saved' entries on my humble blackberry.

I can barely remember how Sept was like except that it fled by like the rest of the other months. In no time, 2009 will be filed away into history, like all the years I've lived. And hopefully I can look back and recount on how it was a stepping stone to getting wiser, better etc.

My perspectives have been changing like the wind. (and so does the mood) Many things that I held on fast to before are seemingly less important now. I'm allowing myself to be open, to allow His perspectives to intertwine with mine so what is His truly becomes mine. I hope I'm growing up although I know that in many ways, I'm still very much the petulant spoilt child. Hopefully that dies away too, no matter how painful.

I've had new people to look up to and respect in the last few months. People who gave selflessly and led by example. I've had old people but new goodbyes to say. I've had alot of changes for a short month and I'm still learning to cope with them.

I've been shaken (literally) by struggles, mine and shared others' struggles. Life really ain't easy and I can only do my bit to dispense Him everywhere I go. I marvel at the disparity between depair in a neighbouring country and the flurry of activity in my own city. Tribulation in the last days...and I wonder where my part fits in.

I don't know how to get through the next few months coz it seems just too steep a hill to climb before Jan.

but somehow like always, You'll get me through.

Contentment

i think He is trying to re-engineer my thought processes so that I'll finally learn to think with sense and arrive and happiness, joy and fulfilment.

Delight is plain elusive when contentment is not present. As Benjamin Franklin once said ''contentment makes a poor man rich and makes a rich man poor'. This simply strung hyperboles holds so much truth. And contentment has been the missing piece in my puzzle of life.

I'm running the race to outbeat, outlast ala survivor when there is really nothing but ghosts in the race. Faceless and voiceless, yet they taunt me by suggesting its never enough and drive me deep into the throes of despair when I've been given so much. I measure everything these days in the cubic measure that my Father despises -dollar and cents and find myself so poor. I've got all my needs met and all my bills paid, food in my stomach, clothes on my body and a business that is actually making money and yet I'm an ingrate lamenting its not enough because the togs I want and the grand holidays to far flung lands are still out of reach.

So when all these are attainable, the question remains- will I be happy then? And if not, when?

My heart's found the well that will never run dry yet I thirst after so many perishables. Its a never ending sojourning until I cut myself loose, turn back and refocus. I work for Him, to feed my family, for ministry, for Him. The business was started because I wanted it to be a platform for His glory to take off, as a passport to reach others in the marketplace, here and abroad. Those are His and my original purposes and I need to change gears to remind myself that. Along the way, I've allowed other masters to run my life, sway my convictions and leave me discouraged.

The real reason why I'm weary and down is because I've enslaved myself to dollars and cents, impoverished myself of love and security in my own fight for survival. The end result is hoarding and not allowing myself to trust and freely disburse.

I want this to end and this to be purged from every ember of my being. It's easier said than done and its a project I cannot embark on my own. It's like a full-scale operation to cleanse, realign and fortify. I feel almost like I can die and bleed to death but its in this I find life again.

How you love me-Bebo Norman

Hope came home,Home to me today,And fear has run the other way.And words are weak;They don't know how to say,"You know I still believe in You."And should my dreams fall through,I will be safe with You.So with every breath I can breath,I'll sing about how You love me.I'll sing about how You love me.

idolatory in my life.

i don't usually write things like these.

I was reading 1 Cor 10 and Paul is warning against idolatory which I've realized to take my insidious forms and is more cleverly disguised than the mere worship of idols such as statues etc. An idol is essentially what is crafted by hand and we are told to rid our lives of all idols.

It suddenly struck me this week that I have a whole altar of idols in my life and in this modern day and age, there are so many more and because they don't take on the form of the archetype of statues sitting on an altar, we dismiss them when they've all but set up thrones in our lives and govern our decisions accordingly.

Last Sunday in church, my pastor brought up this example- there was this king in the bible who was so evil he sacrificed his own children to his gods. Child sacrifice is clearly undisputedly an abomination and a clear act of evil.

Are we not doing these today when work has become our gods? Are we not ourselves a generation of children who have grown up less than whole because our parents made the decision to give their lives to their work (god) ?

And now today, Paul says it this way in verse 7 , "Do not be idolaters as some of them were; as it is written ' the people sat down to eat and drink and rose to play'"

Have we not become our own idols in pursuit of hedonistic pleasures and self-seeking objectives and comforts? I never thought of it this way and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this.

I am sad to acknowledge in all my years as a christian, so little is preached on following the call at ALL costs and crucifying the flesh at ALL costs and living a life so separate and sanctified. I can count the messages on one hand that have at least briefly addressed this because this is not at all comforting to the ears of this generation who simply cry out for more blessing, which happens to only be measured in financial and material units.

This is an extremely uncomfortable message and it is the message of Paul. He delivers this as a sombre warning to the Corinthian church and admonished them strongly to not partake of the ways of those who had gone by fallen before them. It's been said so often, let the bible interpret the bible..and now, we see yet another aspect of idolatory.

I don't know if this speaks to anyone else but its time to tear down another throne that has erected itself in the presence of the Living God in my heart and not be a fool to carelessly brush this off.

I know He is not coming back for a bride so caught up with herself and her comforts. I know He is returning for a warrior bride without spot nor blemish and I don't want to be part of any body of influence including circles of friends that will otherwise point me in the road of least resistance because I can sail along and enjoy the breeze. I am not sure if I am strong enough to withstand against the values that try to creep into my soul and overtake my heart and love for Him. I have no confidence and thats why I made the not-so-painful decision to 'circumcise' many people out of my life.

And I'll very much seek fellowship with the remnant (few as they are) to charge along this course in pursuing Him and His purposes at all costs, ridding ourselves (daily if need be) of pursuits that tie us down to lesser things and prove to be nothing but deadweights in our pursuit of Him. I don't want to be a coward and allow my fears of not having enough to rule me. I don't want my lust for temporal things to overcome my zeal for Your glory. Before I'm ready to usher His kingdom here on earth, I must ensure that my heart and will is subject to this kingdom's authority entirely.

And I want to rest in the exhilirating delight that in their company and His, I'm home.

I need to

know where You're leading
stand at the edge of the ocean and feel small
remember why this is all for
feel you with me in my lonely hours
smile at sweet memories
forget the lemon tinged ones
let the warm rays of the sun wash my face
let the wind sweep my hair
feel the cold
marvel at intricacies of architecture
well up because my heartstrings are tugged
gaze at cute babies
and maybe pinch their fat cheeks
smell them
play with puppies
get zesty about life
smell the roses (not literally, coz i'll sneeze)
sing without a care that i'm way out of pitch
laugh like no one is looking (or guffaw)
gorge on sambal stingray
bury my face in watermelon
drive aimlessly
swim at 2 am
visit italy
sit at the edge at grand canyon and dangle
bounce off the walls
not bother
take 2 months to visit friends in far flung places
visit the forbidden city, tiannanmen
twirl my spaghetti endlessly
watch ice disappear in my drink
build a pokka green tea tap
move singapore away from the equator
smell fruity shampoos
burn fat
wonder
dream
love

Again, I wonder

Despite the very significant progress and breakthroughs, I wonder yet again when will I see the fruition of all I sought to grow. If it was a luscious vineyard I set out to plant and grow, i think the plants would be all up and I'll just be waiting for the grapes to show up. While patience takes its time to mature in the petulance of my being, I find it hard being still, being at ease with me.

I feel that ever so often I find myself at this place of wonder and doubt. It's like a perennial plague that never fails to leave me alone. Perhaps its entrenched in my humanity or perhaps Thomas and I just share DNA. That doesn't matter. It seems like I can't be contented until I have it all mapped out perfectly. And frustration erupts when it so often doesn't happened as planned. Despite the better plans that I know He has in store, why do I go about seeking MY way. Why do I feel lost when I know exactly where I'm headed?

Beyond the career and financial aspect, I also wonder what He has in store for me this season. Growth is clearly lacking in so many other areas. It seems like life is measured only by dollars and cents these days or in my case, the number of bottles I've sold. I've been feeling so far and so out of reach from the grasps of His love and grace. While He still expresses himself in languages I don't speak and has exhibited demonstrations of His love and faithfulness, I find myself wondering if I've gone too far and lost the sweet intimacy of communion that I once had every single moment.

These days, insecurity and doubt plague my soul like a leech that threatens to steal life. Somedays I forget who I really am- my identity, purpose and who He really is to me. The insidious distracions of life have crept in so unaware and so steathily I've allowed them to take root. Spring cleaning is too much of a hastle and I've been content to just co-exist , brushing them under the carpet of 'indifference' and hoping that they will one day just go away.

I've been so wrong.

Then the ugly explode in my face and I know I've gotta face the music, come what may. And then I've left at an utter loss because I don't really know what to do. I've got a semblance of my past convictions and they still hold (Thank God) but apart from that, I'm very much an empty shell, a shadow of what I was purposed to be. The hurdles that once were molehills have evolved to mountains that I can't just stride over. It takes so much more now for me to be happy, contented and at peace.

So now I just seek You. You and your truth. Forget the long listed agendas that I set out to do, the goals I set out to achieve and the chants I recited in the name of confessions. These things are all vanity. I just want to be me, at the foot of Your cross for You to love.

Because that was really why You created me for.

dear J

Dear Jeremiah

We didn't even get to see your face except through sonograms and ultrascans. Your parents are bitterly grieved right now even as they seek comfort in the arms of Jesus. Now we must all concede that you'll grow up in heaven and that we'll only see you again when we finish our earthly course.

I wish we had a chance to know each other. I was telling your mommy the other day on what to get you and making plans to go shopping in anticipation for your arrival. Now with you gone, all our hopes are dashed. You were even going to be the spokesperson for my new botty balm. I guess babies in heaven don't use botty balms.

I am sad but nothing compares to the grief your parents feel. Nothing that is sad can alleviate their private burden of grief. I don't know what to do and there is no way I can bring you back.

So you'll be incubated in heaven, grow up in heaven and never know misery or suffering. You'll grow up untainted, beautiful and glorious. While we take great comfort in that, we can't help but mourn still. It's inexplicable. You were the fruit and hope of your parents' joy, a testament to their love and now we have to bid you goodbye before saying 'welcome to the family'.

when you learn how to say your first words, read your first letter, remember this one and hug Jesus for us. Greet the hosts of angels who watch over us here below. We trust you are well but we cannot help but ache for the opportunity to have you with us.

Words fail me as I try to think of what to say to you, in the vain hope you'll know, hear or even understand. They say you were just a foetus, a fusion of cells but to us you are so much more. You are Jeremiah and your parents even nicknamed you peanut. You are a person with a destiny with a character, with so much. We were going to pour our love out on you and smother you with affection.

Now, I am at a loss. And so are your parents.

there are so many unanswered questions but i know its not fair to load them on you. i just wish it was plainer, clearer and that there'll be closure. i don't think they'll ever forget you and truly move on. even as they heal, there'll be a scar to remind them of you. Maybe that's how the Lord Jesus is constantly reminded of us-the scars on His hands and feet.

i think about your parents before i sleep and i cannot but cry for them. do you know how much they love you? please ask Jesus to heal them and let them hope again. please ask Jesus to pour down His comfort and grieve with them. we'll wait in anticipation for your future sibilings to arrive even as we struggle to fly again with our broken wings.

till then and till we see you again, remember that down here, on this place we call earth, there are people who love you, very much.

there is so much more

this might be a cliche but everything happens for a reason. a greater one that the preceding event.

there has to be a reason for my business. i'm not referring to the cause but what the purpose it is meant to fulfil.
there is a reason for us being blessed. and it annoys me to no end when they can't see it. really, the world does not just revolve around us.

there are other people in a predicament more needful than ours. our time of abundance will come, when unbelief breaks away and there is no restraint. or when our hearts are truly circumcised such that the blessing will not eat away at our soul and cause us to bank on our treasures here on earth.

these lesser things keep our eyes from eternity and the greater purpose and it fools us to build our treasures here on this miserable earth that yields no true promise. isn't this the foolishness we so despise?

then what are you doing?

the money can serve more masters than you.
you don't twist God's arm to get what you want.
really, money stinks in the hands of the wicked.

it's so scary that we allow self to envelop our entire conciousness and there's nothing beyond our purpose in life than to seek the fleshly fulfilments of it when He has promised so much more.

the army is in slumber, not ready for war. not ready to relinquish their rights, not ready to take up the fight, busy fulfillling the lusts of the flesh. we cannot wear the armour and embrace the world. we cannot walk the ways of Babylon while trying to ascend Zion.

the bride is unprepared, not ready for her wedding day. she is languishing in pride, stupour and unbelief that the time is near.

the bridegroom is long suffering.

the commander of the army calls out but gets only a weak response.

Screaming inside but can't be heard.

I've been surrounded by a cloud of untruthfulness lately from people. It is extremely awkward when you bust their lie/hypocrisy and you know it's nothing but a cloud of smoke but have to watch them go on anyway in their little performance that no one enjoys.

**

It's painful when you know there was even a tinge of betrayal. And I say 'betrayal' only because I don't really have the right words. You could afford to be more honest, especially to me. But you didn't exactly steal anything, you just merely turned your back and hoped I didn't realize. And I wish I didn't find out.

Now I don't know how to face you and watch you keep up with your act, your disguise. It's too difficult to commute along the dark alleys of dishonesty to reach your heart and I'm not sure if I am ready to make that journey.

I am not that hurt. Slightly disappointed that you chose this.

But ah well, I can't say I didn't see it coming. I guess I chose to look the other way as well until it came to slap me in the face.

Go on and hide. I won't look (back).

**
Then there's you who has the dagger hidden in your sleeve, like a panther ready to pounce. It's so hard to decipher between the lines of your smiles and enthusiastic speech, like you really mean well.

Your over-zealous grin fades into nothing the moment I turn my back. Your every breath spells deceit to me and you remind me of a sleuthy panther, ready to pounce on a prey in the dark. You are always in ambush, never out in the open. You hunt with skill in the dark, I choose to be in the light and it frustrates you.

I'm just as frustrated at this game you play. It's a dog-eat-dog world we live in but I refuse to be your fellow bitch. It shouldn't be this way, especiallly for you. I hope you snap out of this pretense and fight because you're really dancing with the devil. I have been averted from your ploys too many times by the sheer mercy of the One who watches my back. What you are doing is dark but not hidden from His eyes. Wake up, seek mercy and move on. Your way will lead you to the pits.

updatingforthesakeofupdating.zzz

i dreamt last night that someone said to me 'update your blog!'.

but only such a select few read it (and i'm not even entirely sure if they still do) but well i'll obey the voice and update anyway. because my children will read it, one day.

coming back from church camp is surreal. God has been moving, speaking, working. such a busy God i say. so i'm back with fresh insights , fresh faith and some extra weight in body, soul and spirit. i could do with more though but i know i ned to feed daily on Him and keep the walk, instead of looking for 'highs' that the camps bring.

we've been warring so hard for so many things that has beset us we relished the much-needed break. i feel empowered even though i'm currently very sleep deprived. there's so much that happened that needs to be properly documented, retold to friends i love, lest i forget. i think isaac and i also had a fresh new lease of life and he said i came back different. i hope he is not referring to the extra weight only tho. i say, he is quite very different too and i like the new him.

i'm sorry this post sounds so boring even tho it really is quitevery exciting. i am just too sleepy.

its lunch time, monday. go figure. i will findmy words another day to convey the happening happenings.

zzz.

what i do when i have a problem and refuse to deal with it

• go shopping
• dream about the places i want to visit. italy, US, china and erm, norway.
• stare at the huge rock i want to have on my finger that is pink.
• lust after every imaginable kind of shoe/clothes etc. yet not have the mood to buy them, cept the shoes.
• watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s (i'm out of detective dramas)
• cry a little
• lose appetite
• sleep a lot.
• work anyways. (the diciplinarian in me)

too late.

had a meeting with some business associates today and we candidly talked about my dialect group and how rare it is.

them: so can you speak it? say something! (i felt like an alien ..again)
me: ok. -rattles off something-
them: so what's that?
me: big thumb, index finger etc.
them: you really should have learnt a more useful phrase like 'how are you?"

good point.

when i do find fellow hockchias, i literally scream 'big thumb, index finger' to let them know i'm a fellow kinsman.

best days.

i was uglier, skinnier, gawkier, nerdier and gigglier.
but i was also happier.
life was simpler.
can you really blame me for getting abit stuck on the 'best days of my life'?
i'm not stuck in the past. believe me, i'm really in the present.
that's why i've stopped laughing.

'Best days', its been awhile since we met. last week, i briefly caught you but you slipped right out of my fingers like sand.

i'm not sad now. i'm just temporarily melancholic. it'll pass.

the telegram you sent me left a rancid taste in my being. i've never tasted the sweetness you once gave, again. when i saw you, i thought, 'ah, that's it all over again' but this time it left a very strange after taste. like hard liquor.

we danced on cloud 9 everyday. i was so happy at the now defunct lips cafe. lido, cineleisure, taka square, we personalized those places. they belonged to us.

those were the days my hip bones protruded at the side and people marvel that they can count my ribs. my hide has since gotten thicker since you left. my hair's gotten way longer. i even pierced my years.

i met 'grow up'.

'grow up' made me meet 'get tough'. then i was further introduced to 'get tougher'. it didn't happen overnight. my tears were left undried. my wounds were left unmended. there are calluses on my heart and i have so many unanswered questions. my once incessant laughter abated. instead of laugh lines, i now have fine lines under my eyes.

i didn't think we were foolish. it was innocence that prevailed. we encountered grief and misery, angst and melancholy but there was always love and strength to see us through. we saw each other everyday and that alone was mighty consolaton.

so when i thought i saw you that day, my heart skipped a beat with excitement. you turned briefly with your back still facing me. i wanted to call out to you but you kept walking away. and you told me with tears in your eyes, as if you knew everything that transpired within the last 10 years, that we'll meet again, in the future.

likewise, i'll turn my back and walk the other way, towards future. so i'll find you there again.

see you soon.

"...forgetting those things that are behind and reaching forwaqrd to those thngs which are ahead."
Phil 3.13
Apostle Paul

can't wait.

daddy's going to atlanta on sat.
mei ling's going to cambodia on the same day.

=(
can't wait for malacca/australia. both jesus infused themed-trips.

i might be the girl the star fell on.

destiny.

I know its there and more real to me than it ever was say 10 years ago. it has to be a greatness that I can't even dream about. that encapsulates every atom in my being. that can only be Him.

we were truly born for such a time as this. not to luxuriate in all that this world currently offers on a slashed price tag but so much more. to saltify and light up a world in deep peril, at the small window and threshold where His light can still shine before another ruler enforces his throne.

I cannot just sit around to wait for another weekend and to not make each minute count. Im a warrior and a bride and both takes plenty of preparation. it just was never meant to be so easy. The vision burns too brightly for me to look the other way and besides, looking the other way would really kill me. I was born to be this and trying to brush it off would be a gross injustice to the Master who carefully designed me for the said purpose. Sometimes, the hurts and discouragements of life set me back so much I can barely move an inch. But then You happened.

my destiny is bigger than my business. my family. its bigger than me. its tied to so many others i can't afford to be held back by petty griefs incurred because of offenses. the lord almost assured in His word that there will be offense. thanks to you , my sin will be as grave as yours if i chose to ruin in and let my flesh execute vengeance. but He cried mercy even for those far more savage. and ever since He began his ministry, he is all about redemption and then....*drumroll*, he happens to live in me. its a difficult difficult choice. its like dying and I need so much wisdom and grace to get through it. to will to forgive, to lay off the debt and injustice. but my destiny is at stake and I know I wouldn't have it any other way. God can do without me anytime of the day and my part toplay might be considered small in the light of eternity and all the others who have gone before me. but small as mymantle may be, its mine. and if its done for Him, i know its worth it.

I was really inspired by what was shared in the church bulletin which was an exerpt from Lance Wallnau's article. Love to share it with you all.

"The West Point Corp of Cadets, class of 1915 was no different from any other cohort until the nation entered into its hour fo crisis. Suddenly, a class of ordinary students, captured in a crucible of history, was transformed into company of statesmen and warrirors, set apart by God to save their nation and the rst of the world from the tyranny of ruthless dictators. This particular West Point class of 1915 is famously called :' The Class the Stars Fell On'.The demands placed upon this class for leadership was without precedent. After graduating, the class of 164 cadets saw more than a third of the class promoted to the rank of General. Actually, 59 in all-24 Brigadier Generals, 24 Major Generals, 7 Lt Generals, 2 Generals with 4 star, and 2 Generals with 5 star'."

Isaac vs Paris

and Isaac wins. (I think )

yesterday he asked me if i would take up a trip for an all expenses paid (including shopping) trip to say somewhere like Paris if he couldn't make it. if it was somewhere like Asia, i might give it a pass more readily.

i vehemently said no at first. if Paul Mccartney didn't spend a single day apart from Linda during their 30 + years marriage, I just don't see why I should. I mean, the thought of spending 3 days away from him in Sydney is already quite unbearable as yet. I would like to think myself as rather independent. as in even though i'm not blessed with a great inate sense of direction, i somehow can survive, find food and lodging and manage in a foreign city alone. (read: how i found first aid when there's none with a sanitary pad)

then when he said 'are you sure?even with unlimited shopping?" and i felt my 'no's waning in gusto.

but the verdict is, no one is banging down my door to offer me the above so i don't have to mull too much over it. YET.

but its really so hard to be apart. its like sometimes we overdose on each other and I can't wait to get a breather and miss the days i've got SPACE on my own apart from him, especially when we annoy each other. but the moment we're apart, i feel like i can quite die from lovesickness. and even though i always survive, the cliche stands true: absence does make the heart grow fonder.

most of the time, i think, we spend a good amount of time falling in love with each other over and over again. its not like we don't have our epic fights that threaten so much in this still young marriage but deep deep down , there is that unshakeable, precious bond that irrevocably binds us together . and He gives us enough grace to forgive, enough love to soothe away the hurts and harsh words every single time.

i hate to quote someone like meredith grey but i like her answer when Mcdreamy asked her what she would like in her vows -"promose to love me even when you hate me".

i just want to cherish and be faithful to all that He has given me and the vows that bind me. to love him well and serve him well. i've been loved with something so divine and i don't want to give any less. he is the treasure that God has given me and the vessel through which God has chosen to love me. imperfect as he is, i just want to give more and let Him always love him through me.

unrestable.

Flowchart

1)flu like symptoms
2) stomach flu like symptoms

course of action then: ignore.

symtoms proceed to get better. with a residue of cough etc.

3)flu seems to return with a vengeance.

complete with incessant sweat even at 20 deg, blocked nose and cough.

so the sinseh said i'm too week. not enough qi.
need to nourish badly.

faint.

12 packets of bitter bitter medicine later, i am semi recovering. and i know i am unrestable until some foreign ang moh medicine knocks me out for like 14 hours straight.

=|

Marriage

It's almost 6 mths since we said our vows and signed away our lives to one another. despite having dated for 5.5 years prior to marriage, which i thought was a pretty long period, i am still discovering new things about him.

the first few months were like an orientation on how to live with caveman. its like a trip to somewhere quite as ulu as new guinea so that you can experience the wildlife and encounter God. the latter was good but the former nearly drove me insane. i'm an urbanite living in the 21st century. its like kate meets leopold (somewhat).

our long time habits also proved to be a point of contention that sparked off some fireworks (to put it VERY lightly). i don't understand why he must leave all the cupboard doors open after he takes his clothes. so imagine my horror to find drawers/cupboard doors etc open when i wake up in the morning. its like my house was ransacked! maybe God was testing my patience and love while Isaac tries to get into Narnia.

(if it happens, i'll begin course on Narnia 1101. at least it helps me to beat the heat in way too sunny singapore.)

our bed sharing habits also leave much to be desired. to his credit, he is not as bad as me although quite bad in his own right. since we have a king sized bed, i have tendencies to roll and do a popiah in my sleep.

one night after maybe just two rolls or so, i briefly opened my eyes in my stupour and found an empty spot on a pillow. so i laid my head to rest and slept relatively peacefully before i began the next roll. so in the morning, when i tried to roll again in the same direction, i was awakened by a yelp. for some reason, despite the no lack of space, we were both sharing the same pillow and the same little space and i hadcollided into him while trying to begin a roll again! sigh.

on a better note, i really like to watch him sleep. its like a comedy altogether watching him dig his nose in his sleep etc. sometimes he smiles in his sleep and presses both his hands together and puts them under his ear while sleeping on his side, like a child. how cute! then i cannot resist and i will try to kiss him while he is asleep and he will instinctively suddenly 1)flip over or 2)use his hand to brush me away. thankfully, i've mastered the art of ducking and injuries have been significantly reduced since the first month.

i entertain occasional thoughts about filming/photographing him in his sleep and posting them on facebook. but i don't think he'll appreciate it. so i ditched that thought.

so there, there's marriage 1101 documented for my children to read about. for me, it was like learning to live with a godly caveman. and for all its worth, its been wonderful.

i dreamt a little dream

and woke up. thus explaining this 6.27 am post. i just couldn't get back to sleep.

i know the peranakan mania is over now that the little nonya has ended its run and it is for me too (even though i have tickets to the upcoming peranakan ball), so i really have no clue why i had this dream.

but it was so real (as with most other dreams) but it kept me awake long after its over. SIGH. i hope i don't fall asleep in church later.

i think what kept me awake was a mixture of pure relief and heartache.

for some reason, i was having a 'yueniang' moment and i had to watch my beloved chen xi fall in love with someone else and we can't be together because i said so and he moved on to marry someone else.

it was soooo painful and i cried and ached. the pain was so palpable it was like a shot of poison through my veins, rendering every nerve to violently convulse as it absorbs the pain of loss.

then i woke up to see my beloved lying still so sweetly beside me and i took a few moments just to watch him. hair all poofy and sleep digging his nose. i hope i can live to see this everyday. and i'll be really contented. i think the greatest pain is to lose the one you love the most.

and everytime i ponder about it, i cannot imagine how my Lord can ever recover from having to be eternally estranged and separated by the ones he loved so much he gave his life. and that makes me weep and endeavour to somewhat lessen that pain by praying/ushering my souls His way while I am on earth.

Joel 3.14
Multitudes, multitudes
in the valley of decision
for the day of the Lord is near
in the valley of decision.

back from AWOL

-blows dust off neglected blog-
been meaning to document my thoughts but i kept forgetting.

keynot eevents in the past months include:
-semi breakthrough in the still one-girl show business.
-backaches due to coolie shifts
-appearing like a nut on national tv.

lately the perennial theme on my mind is 'letting go'. in retrospect, i have had to let go of a few dreams (which are the most painful), some people, tangible and intangible objects alike that i have held closely to my heart.

the pain can range from 6-100 on the excruciating scale of 10 but when you have to, there are no buts to it. hoarding stuff that you no longer have room for will damage the ecosystem of your brain. the hardest part is releasing it despite knowing the pain it will result in but for the greater good, do so anyway.

which also reminds me of Jesus in the garden of Gethsmane before he made his long hike up to the cross. ''nonetheless not my will but yours be done''. oh gosh, i can almost weep again when i hear that. and that also brings home the comfort knowing that nothing i've had to let go can equal what he did and find joy in that he gained so much more. ie. ME.

**
yesterday, i learnt that a cambodian taxi driver makes less than usd $4 a day after liek 12 hours of work. while buying an ipod for Isaac, and carrying shopping bags, I found out through a conversation that the sales personnel that was serving me at the epicentre orchard had to drop out of school because of financial reasons. at that moment, i recoiled and suddenly felt embarassed that while he was denied an education that i so took for granted for, i was also carrying shopping bags in the middle of the day in orchard while he is struggling to support a family after the demise of what i guess would have been the original breadwinner.

i am almost embarassed by the excesses of life and raged by the hedonism of the society i live in. if i could, i'd have offered him a scholarship but i couldn't. but whatever it was, i was in such a helpless situation being unable to help him. the few hundred dollars in my wallet won't help (much). the credit cards, membership cards to retailers from ntuc-just about every department store lining orchard road won't help either. i have nothing in my bag that can help him. i can't even donate the ipod i just bought. it means nothing to him. i was sad to learn, i was no doraemon and he is going to remain this way until my prayers for him are answered.

i scarcely know what its like to be poor. but my closest encounter which is the leap of faith we took earlier this year which left us with a young business, and just one income made me feel so miserable already. i wanted to cry for various reasons: because of the sacrifices he has had to make given his youth and because i'm such an incorrigible brat.

i took that encounter home with a heavy heart onlyto meet with more devastating news. when will He come back and His kingdom be enforced? there is so much pain and grief i can't alleviate on my own. i can't wait to take up my place in this grand plan of His..run, fight and most importantly, finish well.

breaking the silence

i think the last weekend was such a surprising welcome respite from the dark. Praise God.

on Friday, I managed to drag myself to church to attnd Benny Ho's sermon at church. This is a revolutionary guy who echoes my sentiments and visions in many ways. I left with my heart searing with hope again and glad our paths coverge, albeit briefly.

Saturday saw us (zac and me) trying to do housework. He fixed me a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs, ham etc and we proceeded to clean the house and do laundry. The highlight is really trying to rollerblade which failed miserably because I was so scared which resulted in a walk in the park connector. Somehow, we ended up from our place in Alexandra to River Valley!
With the endorphins cruising through my veins, I felt better and breaking a sweat helped tremendously too. Had a hearty appetite and we devoured pasta at ACP later.

Sunday was exciting.

According to P, they 'shamelessly' invited themselves over to my place for games and food. I was honestly had reservations about this since i was hardly in top form to entertain but i felt like i should go ahead. P might have sensed soem reluctance after because he msged and said 'are u sure its ok? you sound reluctant''. to which i replied, '' that is my dull sms persona. i am laying out the red carpet in anticipation,jubilation and excitement!" afterall, it was also j's last day in singapore and it would be nice to meet everyone again. we had so much fun. i never laughed so hard in such a long time and felt so at ease in a group context. with that, i concluded the best weekend ever.

we also learnt things we never knew, like w downloading the theme song of 'the unbeatables' etc. atmosphere was warm and lively. it was like being 17 again. isaac had a really good time too and he thought my friends were 'cool'. yea!

vday 2009

on a more positive note, i think i had the bestest ever vday. its so good i think i need to engrave it on my fingers or something. or note it down, here.

well, it being the best may have something to do with the fact that we barely have celebrations in the past FIVE years. but if that was the crime, he more than made it up this year.

surprises (that i actually didn't uncover prior to the actual day despite being in the same house), my 1st candle light dinner, all prepared by him. steak, wine, mushroom ragout. nat king cole, aromatherapy.

no flowers this year and i'm so happy that hes finally getting it. my heart will stop beating at the amount of money donated to florists for flowers i'm allergic to so that i can donate more money later to the doctor.

almost 6 years old this duckobell. but better today than it first began.

thank you Jesus.

the only way to age with grace

Call me what ever you want but as I was walking through Vivocity semi stoned today after my appointment, this song stopped me in my tracks. to be honest, i don't even remember where i stopped and i just cried.

i still don't know how to bring myself to talk about it or who to talk about it to. but i find myself shying away from so much, physically and emotionally. i look forward to coming home everyday to be with isaac and that really sums up my days these few weeks.

its like i don't know how to get out of this pit again and i can't remember how i got here. i don't remember the last time i watched tv, had a food craving etc. i buy things and leave them in places i don't remember. God has to save me. again.

but for now, i just want a watermelon. and isaac. but he somehow always ends up asleep before me.

You're my peace of mind in this crazy world.
You're everything I've tried to find, your love is a pearl.
You're my Mona Lisa, you're my rainbow skies,
and my only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.
The world will turn, and the seasons will change,
and all the lessons we will learn will be beautiful and strange.
We'll have our fill of tears, our share of sighs.
My only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.
You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will show
that you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes.
When there are lines upon my face from a lifetime of smiles,
when the time comes to embrace for one long last
whilewe can laugh about how time really flies.
We won't say goodbye 'cause true love never dies.
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes.
You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will showthat you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes.
The passing years will show that you will always growever more beautiful in my eyes

-Kadison Joshua , Beautiful in my eyes

you rock lor, husband

husband: in this marriage, you are the general, i'm the major
(before i got to even celebrate that statement...)
husband: you make the general decisions, i make the major ones.
me:....

**
11pm: goodnight (he goes to sleep)
1 am: upon entering the room, he is sleeping like a seahorse with legs on the bottom right and head on the top left. yes, he is almost diagonal.
i managed to move him..with prayer, groaning and supplication

4 am: i am left in the cold. he has conquered the duvet and used it as his bolster while the real boslter lay abandoned on the floor.

someone get me a new bed, new duvet pls.

**

report for life: marriage assessment etc.

i haven't been logging down my thoughts in this space because i just don't know how to anymore.

i can't provide a log of my feelings and chores that chronicle the first month of marriage. it is seriously not too exciting. there is a rojak cocktail mix of sweet bliss, frustration and even anticipation even as we step on each other's toes along the way, learning for the first time to live with each other.

our personal sleep habits alone are a fine example of how different we are. while isleep like a starfish, he sleeps like a seahorse in the middle of the bed. this is all fine except that we know have to share a bed and i come to bed later than him. so imagine my horror when i see someone sleeping in the middle!

also, apparently i have secret kick boxing tendencies so i've been elbowing and kicking him in my sleep. sigh.

apart from that, its really quite fine. so much so that i wonder where its all going and what next...

i'm asking what next for us, what next for myself in terms of career and growth and what next for ministry.

i don't know if i ihave any answers yet and knowing me, i tend to lapse into a kancheong state coz i must know everything from a to z. i feel like i must follow a perfect plan that locks me down to the minute. there is just not enough time these days. there's work, housework, friends , church and our own family time. it's like everything is crying out for our attention and while we would like to accord fair time to every aspect, its getting quite impossible.

running my own business is a challenge in itself. most would like to envy me for my 'flexible timing' but really it just means working overtime all the time. if i decide to give myself abit more sleep and start work later, i end up with a huge backlog and stress myself further. also, i need to put my brains to growing it to make it sustainable with the 5 loaves and 2 fishes i've got. it's like a baby that constantly requires attention and while it blesses me and makes me so so happy, it rarely gives me a respite. i'm stillwaiting on the lord for fresh instructions, for new doors everyday.

i'm learning life like never before. that its so multi faceted diamond and it reflects both exhilirating joy and excruciating pain. that every experience is so rich only because God is there. even in the pits. and the pits hold treasure only if you dig. that faithfulness is a rare gem in today's world. that i can't trust my own heart. that i am nothing apart from Him.

i would have read joseph's story again and judged that God isn't there given what he had to go through. but He was. from the pit/dungeon to the highest office in the country, He was there. and joseph is joseph only ebcause he lived through it all, with the Lord. we'll never know and fully understand until we reach heaven's door why certain things happen and sometimes it really wrenches my spirit but i just need to plow on, go on and trust in His loving heart towards me. some day i'll know. but in the meantime, i'll grow.

Sigh

I wish all would stop making fun of the outgoing president. You can laugh at me instead for feeling sympathetic.

History and the present has been critical but let's face it, it wasn't the easiest job in the world. And the verdict ain't over. There was Regan and Nixon who was just as slammed and people only came to appreciate the effect of certain policies decades later. History has not dished its final verdict.

And then you'd think they would wish the new president well. But as you speculate whether he is the anti-christ or right man for the job, the seconds are just ticking away and nothing is going to change that. He is going to take on the toughest job in the world. Right man or not.

So let's offer our prayers instead as he takes on the most difficult office in the world during the worst possible time and restrain our critical tongues.

Cut them some slack. You wouldn't have done a better job.

so far...

i think we eased into married life quite well but we're still learning and adjusting for most parts.

for the first week, it was so difficult sharing a bed and space. even with a king sized bed, i managed to edge out the husband by sleeping like a starfish and then robbing him of the duvet. but don't send your sympathies to him as yet as the fortunes were revised the following week.

we now have 2 blankets. space wise, we are managing better.

we're also learning to live with each other's idiosyncracies and bad habits. he has more to accomodate tho. as we learn to live with each other, we're really dying to ourselves. we're learning to put each other first and not insist on our own 'rights'. haha. for eg: purchase of shoerack: he thought our shoerack was too bug since he really only had 5 pairs of shoes. so i filled up the space for him.

he then never wondered if we had too much wardrobe space.

what he doesn't know is that there are still shoes and clothes at mum's that i haven't migrated over.

now that we're married, life takes on a different dimension. i still miss having mum in the next room and getting pampered crazy by her tho. i'm learning its not just about me and am learning to do housework, cook etc. housework can actually be fun in a strange way when you love the person you are doing it for and when it is ur OWN house. i complain here and there that its so tiring especially after work but i'm glad to do it. even supermarketing is uber fun as I course through the aisles going through item after item contemplating if he'd like to eat this and that...etc.

apart from that, what i wished it was my more vibrant social life back then. i could afford the time and money to hang out with friends after work but these days its harder as I have to manage housework too. it almost appears that my lifeline to 'fun' has been terminated but i'm determined to readjust it and have friends over at my place instead! it keeps our humble abode bursting with life. but these friends have to be people who can imagine away the mess and look away from the 'laundry room'.

so i'm so excited about getting more chairs for the butts of those i love. so they wont have to sit on our cold marble tiles. i do wish we had more space to entertain but we'll make do with this first and enjoy good cosy company.

MARRIED

i don't know how He pulled it all off but He did and we are so thankful.

Felt like clapping and dancing around!

it felt so surreal and magical. like how did we transpire from two strangers to who we are today? And the vows that bind us together forever are not just words. Its sucha miracle.

and it started to sink in bit by bit when people shout 'MRS QUEK!" or when i see the laundry.

hurhur.

Its been so wonderful. not just because of him but because of my friends. i can't describe it but there's alot of love oozing out of me now. gah!

even doing laundry together is fun and sweet. even ironing, packing etc. and of coz, watching little nonya together. :)


yes, life will get 'realer' and sometimes we'll rub each other the wrong way but thanks for seeing us through like You always have.

almost there!

Been at the table arrangements for what seemed like a millenium. I can't seem to sort it out and now even though I've thrown the white towel and decided to head to bed, I can't quite sleep. There has to be a formula to get around this one and I wish John Nash was around to help. Someone call Mr beautiful mind.

I'm determined to have fun that day. No matter what. It is my day and of all the days that I have ever lived and will ever live, I'll rejoice and rejoice and celebrate.

For years and years to come, we'll always commemorate the day the Lord joined us together as one. 27th December.

It's been a long wait, 5.5 years. But i just wanto shout ' WE MADE IT!!!"

the traffic controller

at a very congested street with parallel parking facilities the other day, my attention fell on this unofficial traffic controller trying to direct the heavily congested traffic. His simple hand gestures in directing traffic made it so much less stressful for the motorists who were typically to inconsiderate and not letting each other have their way. his face was etched with lines and his skin was like a shade of coffee, roasted from the long hours under the merciless sun.

so when the man stood there, without any endorsement of authority from anyone doing that, i wanted to salute him. it took him to evict chaos and restore order. it took the nobody and initiative in him to get us, impatient motorists in order. he did it with such gusto and dignity. that moment, he won my respect.

i found out later he did this out of his own initiative. my father proceeded to tip him, alongside with some other equally grateful motorists. however, there were some that behaved like it was their divine right and entitlement.

this guy was so poor. and he probably recently lost his job. as a foreigner, his options are even fewer and rights almost non existent. he took the initiative to do this and can only hope for the largeness of some hearts to appreciate and spare him cash in return for his humble duty.

i don't know why but when i saw him and remember his plight, i started crying.

people like him are meant to be recipients/beneficiaries of my business and the wealth we generate. yet, i'm feeling so down and out now i feel mocked by the cruel irony of it. the dream and busines model is still alive in me. it still is. the ends and objectives and what we'll do with the money still resounds.

i know that for as long as i'm breathing, i cannot live and enjoy all that He wants to give me without sharing it the destitute. and that is my destiny. i wanted to reach out so badly to this guy, buy him a meal or give him a bigger tip so he can send the rest home but i was still held back by my own.

i would like to believe that i could empty myself out for people such as him, or Him. but i still can't and am still bound by my own needs and concerns.

i'm still staring at the little bud wondering when it'll blossom. wondering when what You said will come to pass. most of all, i'm wondering if i can hold out long enough before You jump on.

how long is the road
how long is the ride
how long is the darkness till we get to the light

corrine may.

meltdown

i'm trying to gather every last remnant of strength as i stare in the face of the enemy of seeming impossibility.

i'd like to pride myself for standing firm, staying the course and hold it all together. but truth is, i can't believe its so hard. i didn't count the cost and now that i'm asked to pay the price, i'm standing at the counter, like the banks waiting helplessly for a bail out.

the cost is not just measured in dollars and cents. its the tenacity, the everything required. i don't know how many others make it appear so easy and they just breeze through life like they have wheels under their shoes while i trudge on with bloody feet.

save me, because i don't have strength anymore.

help me see You coz my vision is obscured.

speak, because I'm desperate and listening.

i chose this so i'm not going to complain or regret at how hard this is and how unrosy it all is. and in the meantime, am going to count the blessings that I do remember and enter in with thanksgving, even though i'm on my knees and not exactly jumping jubilantly for joy. i'm recounting past blessings so i rise above the drudgery of self-pity and see beyond my calvary.

right now, my heart is heavy. my soul is downcast. this is not the picture of a bride to be. but i'm soldiering on and i know 9 days later, all i've ever waited for will be there. and nothing will beable to get me down.

i'll charge for the altar, even on my heels and claim the 'prize'. this is round 1 of getting married. i cannot imagine how much more it'll be when i see my heavenly bridegroom face to face.

that's really all i care about. never mind everything else already. i'm just glad to get married before the end is here.

popping my head out of the hole

i've been so wearied out i just want to hide from all.

when i come home, all i'm asked about is the latest seating arrangement and how the house is etc. there are updates everyday and i just want a breahther. something else to think about and laugh about.

my phone rings incessantly from 9 am onwards with smses/calls regarding the above issues also. next week's schedules are also packed with such. i am so looking forward to the 27th so i can bid all these farewell.

i haven't been monitoring my bank account and i can't bring myself to look at it either. all these purchases actually cost money and i'm thankful that so far, we have enough. and i really don't have the grandiose faith to tide me through to be assured of super abundance now.

when i can steal a few minutes away, i'm really at the fork road trying to steer my flesh away from frustration and dismay to thanksgiving and praise. to recount the many things i have to be thankful for and the much more I will have though i do not yet see.

in times of great financial famine, i'm thankful that my business is still experiencing increase and although I want to seek greater expansion, I've learnt to harness ambition and wait on His perfect timing. Ok, I haven't learnt it. I'm learning it.

never before does it require more willpower to choose to worship and praise. yes, times have been hard and pressurizing before but this time, nothing in me wants to. there's a cloud of despondency somewhat and i need His spirit to come in mightily to dispel the cloud. but something inside me just knows I have to stick my head above it and make the choice to rejoice no matter what. to yield to His goodness and just know that He is God.

these concerns of mine show me really how little i still am. and how good He still is. and it teaches me to be thankful for what I still have and to crash at His cross to pour out all so that He can change it. i really don't know how long this journey will take but i'm willing to go through it.

in other matters, we've kinda been honeymoon agendaless. but we're taking our time and not going to sweat over it. (in due part because the wedding which happens before the honeymoon is not settled).

we had a list of 'shortlisted' places at first. after much deliberation...

we thought we finally settled on greece...then the riots broke out in Athens.
we thought we'll settle on Italy and enjoy venice. then the floods (apparently the worst in 26 years) came.
we thought about hokkaido. but refused because the yen is at its all time high.
maybe even a short one to bangkok but given the recent debacle which caused many travellers to be stranded in the airport, so that was thrown out.
then finally we realized we were down to nz and aust.(again!)

well at least we are getting free tickets to watch 'australia'. australia is familiar to both of us so i guess, we won't get (too) lost. and also, they speak english. and it is the first time we're both going TOGETHER. so i guess its ok..and the dollar is weak against the sing$ so it means more savings...so i guess, yea. italy/greece/europe/us, wait for me. sort out ur problems first and give us a call and send us a cheque when u're ready for us.

for some strange disgusting reason

lately when certain random pple find out that i'm getting married, they start to display interest.

so they msg everyday with hapzard lines of insincere flattery they like to pass off as poetry. and harass me to be 'friends', 'to go out for coffee' to etc. and they bug and bug. and i never knew them. well, some i do but most i never did.

i don't know if they are salesmen or professional predators of soon-to-be-married women. whatever it is, i am no giving you my attention, time or money. i shudder to think we are living on the same planet. and even in the absence of any special someone in my life, i wouldn't consider them. that is how gross.

i turn into porcupine mode when REALLY ANNOYED.

hehe

MSN conversation

angkukueh says:
hows yur prep coming along?
angkukueh says:
got enuff sisters?
angkukueh says:
need me?
xinying says:
u really will go thru a sex change for me??

And i wonder why i'm not getting help.

a voice in the wilderness

in the flurry of endless activities, I have found time to sit at His feet and end up semi drowning in my own tears.

my faith has been floundering. He got me all excited about His promises and the dreams I have claimed to be mine only to '' so near, yet so far'' and I really don't see how He can bring me anywhere, much less where He promised.

Over the past two years, over different intervals at every crossroad, i've seen myself in dreams in labour and despite being in great pain, the baby just did not come out. I recently got it again. But I was charged to not give up and He showed me that just before the pain was excruciating, no woman ever walked away from the birthing table and say 'i give up'. there was no giving up at this point. you just have to see it through all the way.

He also showed me the immense need to flow with His spirit. At this stage, thankfully, i've been able to hear His instructions/directions quite clearly and wisdom has prevailed enough for me to seek confirmations and not act hastily. The multitude of counsellors that I now seek whenever major decisions are due also reinforce and provide a safety net for me. I cannot act on my own methods, resources and etc to birth anything. I will only birth Ishmael which translates to problems and nothing lasting. I've seen christians resort to the world's resources of flattery, politicking, lies to get ahead. and they've gotten ahead while i seemingly stumble behind. while i do not wish for hell to burn up their soul to execute justice, i just pray that God continually give me strength that His righteousness and integrity will preserve me.

I realize also the immense need to be pruned and for character to be developed to go the long haul. I know my weaknesses and to quote the quotable, our greatest strengths are as strong as our greatest weakness. I am a reputed worry wart who is impatient. God has to deal with alot of character flaws before i can proceed with more. or else, it'll ruin me.

the times are difficult financially especially since our expenses are at all time high with a very variable income. and i'm constantly confronted with the prospect of not having enough. but in the wilderness, in the refiner's furnace, i am asking myself everyday when i fret about our income stream: am i serving my own purpose solely or His?

its easy to lay a mission statement and sing about it. but it shows up in every business decision, every thought you entertain and feed upon. it's in our actions that we speak the loudest.

i know i'm called to this but am i pursuing a relationship with Him for Him or just so that my dreams will materialize? there is all but a thin grey line that separates the 2 and i don't want to deceive myself because there are times whereby i just want Him for the blessings/healing etc. i don't want to be a hypocrite hiding behind the guises of a Godly business venture when it's all just about me. the company has to make money undoubtedly but i need to remember who is boss constantly and seek His purposes and intents continually.

"unless the Lord builds the house, He who labours labours in vain"

so many years ago, i cried out desperately for God to use me for His glory. then along the way, i stumble when there are unanswered prayers and wonder endlessly, even harbouring bitterness towards God at His apparent forsaking. i also felt used. although i didn't want to admit it, i was secretly earning it.

today, i realize that God never uses people. He anoints them, strengthens them, blesses them but He never uses them. we need to take God at His promises and at His word but too often, we edit it, improvise it and add to it and then get disappointed when it doesn't come to pass when James clearly said in his epistle that ''you get not because you ask not according to His will but for your selfish indulgence''.(paraphrase)

during this period, i also realized that God cares about His time with me more than my diligence in tending to the business. but don't get me wrong on that and get all lazy. i've always been a kancheong spider which soemtimes makes me 'overdiciplined'. i'm the kind who finishes a work assignment 2 weeks before its due only to receive more work as a reward. i've learnt that i can sacrifice sleep and even work (now that i'm directly working for Him, but NEVER cheat ur earthly boss of the time He pays you for) and still be able to achieve much in a day.

but never mind also if i can't finish all 100 items on my 'to-do list' for the day. really.He cares about me. i think this season, especially that i'm gettin gmarried, i'm going to spend time romancing and building my relationship with my first love, whom i've unwittingly forsaken for the many cares of the world.

i can't guarantee that i won't stop worrying about that endless to do list and the bills though. and i won't even try to kick the habit. but i'll let Him clean that out of me.

certainty in uncertainty

"..only be strong and very courageous.."

i don't know how i'm going to make it really. looking at me now, i can't see how and what will take from the me now to the projected me that He has painted in the eyes of my heart to see.

but i've purposed it in my heart that it'll not really be about me but yet my needs for everyday are so real and the tauntings are deafening, striking fear in every heartbeat. while a part of me is craving certainty in these uncertain times, i have no regrets for my decision and while i find myself susceptible to crumbling under the weight of doubt and fear, somehow i know i'm meant to be here.

whether i choose to admit it or not, i'm in the midst of a very important spirit fruit cultivating lesson: perserverance, patience and faith.

through this, God will show himself to me as Jehovah Jireh, give me my due rewards for surrender and show His goodness to me. all over again. like so often before. i'll catch the winds of change and hold fast my sail, catch the wind and let my vessel accelerate by Your power alone.

when the vessel arrives, please know it was Christ that got us there.

coincidentally, i've found my paths recrossing with people whom i've somewhat forgotten.

1) a brief acquaintance who is also a follower of Jesus. she was a friend of a friend and went to church with me during one of my visits to melbourne to escape my life in Singapore. For some reason, I found myself asking her how she was on msn and that led to our divine appointment all over again.

like me, God called her outta the blue to leave her job, her life in melbourne. She has been living there for a long time even before university and found a good job, has a good apartment and church there. in short, her life is there and she feels nothing for her homeland, singapore anymore. yet, God spoke so unmistakably (like he did to me) and she is struggling with being obedient and letting go of what she loves.

how coincidental. upon hearing how i made the decision and what an imperative it was, she told me that she is now on the way to 'execute the deed' and asks for my prayer support through this difficult period.

and i understand perfectly how hard transition is. and how hard it is to give up the safe, secure and what you've held dear to your heart.

i'll share my friends and church with you. don't be afraid to come home and follow Him.

2) this friend is really my bona fide oldest friend who was literally around when i was born. her mum and my mum are childhood chums but for some reason, we were never close.

recently, despite having a comfortable cushy job, she was also led out into the 'uncertain' by God tostart her own business. she recontacted me to share, fellowship and encourage.

she understands the fears, the uncertainty and today overcame the fear of questionmarks in herlife knowing God holds her tomorrows, without a doubt. even when there's a dry spell, He is in charge and she can still rejoice and take solace in that even with little.

i'm thoroughly amazed at how He sends comfort my way knowing what i'm going through. truly, He's here every sleepless night while i worry, fret and pray. and He is patient with my weaknesses and forgiving of my unbelief.

i yearn and long for the day i can truly testify as a success and be an encouragement to many. now that i'm quite depleted in many natural aspects, it's hard to find an audience. but the day will come and i wanto be ready for it and not give up. i want to finish the race, not only for the prize. so that i'll know, God has proven himself faithful yet again and I can without a doubt, count on Him.

this success has to be a platform for His glory to take off and go places. not for my indulgence. whatever vocation i engage in, has to have a greater purpose than feeding me and my family. it has to be a channel for Him, a platfom for Him, an avenue for Him and a dwelling for Him.

"in every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone"

-in Christ alone

1.54 pm

yesterday was bad.

i got so angry, disheartened and frustrated by a myriad of things i could feel my soul breaking under the pressure of it all.

anyway, yesterday is over. thankfully.

had lydia and lynn over for lunch today(i cooked) and being guinea pigs batch #2, they dutifully ate everything up without any complaints. i will not be too complacent to think over positively of my standards but at least they're still alive after that. so will work on improvement.

they later on helped me with wedding favours and we packed and talked along the way. about 150 pcs into packing, we realized that we were packing the wrong stuff (don't ask how) and we had to RE PACK. so by 530pm, we managed to complete slightly more than 200 packets of favours.

yay, just about 250 packs more to go. somehow it'll happen.

w then proceeded to niqqi's for maggi goreng and prata. things like these feel so good. and then i proceeded to finish off deliveries. compared to yesterday, today was heaven and lydia and i proceeded to daiso shop at vivo again after that.

it sorta helped us to shake off the shadows of yesterday and i'm glad to be able to reacquaint with old friends again.

on another note, i'm having trouble with wedding guestlist. i set up a guideline to 'streamline' the people who will be on my guestlist in hopes of trimming the 540 number. i'm hoping to skim it down to 350 but at best, 400. so here's the 'criteria':

1)i must like you
2) i must be related to you. by blood .
3)i must have some desire to want to testify to you

i'm so tired of being obligated to invite so many people and i hate to think that my big day will be under scrutiny and attended by people i don't care two hoots for. it's harsh to say that but i want people to come who will not be to assess how much i spend and how i'm so 'chin chye' with just abouteverything and just have a good time.

i really did all that i have to do which includes food tasting and i really can't guarantee that every dish will be perfect and please everybody from the centrepieces to the color scheme. honestly, i was never one to care so when everyone wants to have a word, i'm tempted to go 'go have your own wedding"

all i care is that Isaac and I have a good time and are surrounded by people we love and who love us and the presence of God is in that place as we celebrate 5.5 years of courtship and an eternity as husband and wife.

even Jesus in a parable talked about cutting guests out at a banquet. so why do i not have this prerogative. i'm not even out to offend or step on any toes but would you even care that you're not invited? especially when i think you're potential 'trouble.

anyways, while it bothers me mildly, i'm not going to brood too much about it as there is so much to be busy about given that business is just starting and wedding/house preps are still pending.

am hoping to take some time out tomorrow to rest somewhat and exercise. and clear my mind..

we'll see about that.

Questions

what do you really say to offer comfort to someone who've lost a child?

I can't offer up any answers and I'm not confident that any consolation I can possibly offer is of any use. The grief is so tangible and so gripping I almost choked. The questions racing through their minds as they grapple with the 'whys' while the ignorant try to offer answers and speak on God's behalf.

What God chooses to be silent about, we should also follow suit.

When the our little world is so shaken that we have nothing left to hold on to, what do we really see that remains.

**

How to love?

I'm finding myself being so impatient and angry with the meaningless, empty and temporary. While it saddens me to know that my loved ones are suscribing only to a Christianity that is convenient and may I say, hedonistic, I know I can't possibly impose my convictions on others.

If its not the Holy Spirit who convicts, theres really nothing much else I can do cept pray. And often, I'm too tired of praying. I'm just frustrated that it doesn't extend beyond us.

Do they not see the poor? the dying? even right under our noses? Even if we can't be of anything at all to them, why are we living like we have a better divine right to exploit, to live carelessly when shouting 'grace grace'. When there's is no identification between us and the world at all, because we are so assimilated into their culture, their values that we are more one with them then we are with Him.

How to remain impervious to injustice and suffering? God sees ..and sees to it. And we are sitting ducks living imperiously like we're immune and infallible. How is that remotely plausible.

Nobody died to make anyone of us God over anyone else. Exploitation was not weaved into the bible code. If the king of the heavens could wash our dirty feet by example, perching ourselves on our self-made pedestal is an abomination.

but unfortunately, because we are weaved together by His cords of grace under a common umbrella of brotherhood, your reproach is as good as mine. and I can't write you off as I would rather but have to love you to the end. to pray you through. you who i have called friend, whose deeds now disgust me, who I'm ashamed of.

you just don't write family off.

soldiering on.

it's been rather stressful on many fronts and i'm holding together by His grace.

Somehow, when the deadlines for everybody wanting something happens, its all at the same time gives me little respite. And when I'm inundated with stress over various issues, I've found my newest therapy which is to cook.

I haven't always been a cook. Infact, I used to have trouble with just about everything from stir fry to even boiling but as I practise, it is seemingly getting better! I've been getting better reviews with each 'try'. So when i'm very stressed, I start browsing the net for newer recipes that I think i will not falter trying and run to the supermarket to browse and 'get inspiration'.

so while working at home, i also double up as the new 'maid' as i cook lunch and dinner for whoever is at home. they only get respites when i have to go out to meet clients, run errands and do deliveries.

work wise, i'm glad its finally my own. but there are still constant worries that try to plague me such as cashflow and all other 'need' related matters. It's super hard to trust but He's been faithful in delivering His promises and living word and I just refuse to give up even though the pressure is mounting already. Especially with the wedding and house draining A LOT of our savings.

i like the rush when the orders come in and when I can spearhead my own initiatives etc. on the other hand, i also have to be extra careful with cashflow and watch just about every area since this is a 'one God, one girl show'. I'm still clueless about just alot of stuff and i need to make do with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

i need His strategies, His provision and HIs blessings. Most of all, now that i'm colleagueless and bossless, I need His thick thick presence to surround and go with me whereever and whenever.

i also hate working from home (but it keeps costs down) for quite alot of reasons, especially since my brother is languishing on the couch all day long watching tv now that it's his holidays. i dream about the office, the shops, the delivery van (s) etc that I can call my own one day.

And all that keeps me going. and going.

dilemma

on one hand i feel very disillusioned and sappy, on the other i'm like surging with hope and excitement and even may I say, brimming with confidence.

I can't explain why. Maybe i can but it'll take way too much time.

so i'll just lack the former go.

when you can't shut them up.

people who know me for me are so hard to come by. these days, i have so many people who have such vast contradicting assumptions about me, none of which are true by the way.

i have a few soulmates but many many acquaintances. while i really don't have to care and its nothing overly bad, i just hate being so misunderstood. but i will not dwell further or try to set the record straight because i have nothing left in me to care about people who don't care too much anyway.

but i like being understood. or at least an attempt to be understood. all the better if i'm understood AND celebrated. because that's all the rarer.

its no big deal being me but its not easy either. so cut me some slack and stop trying to disect me for further analysis.

just want to dig a hole. but not for me to hide. but to throw the irritants down and keep them out of sight.

i like pure guileless agendaless relationships. non competitive too. i don't need any grandiose show of how you're better. i kinda know already that i'm just me and there's nothing to shout about. but i'm reigning queen of isaac's universe and my mum thinks i fell from heaven. (when i'm sleeping, not awake)and above all, there is a King of Kings who sings over me. so i'm quite comforted.

i will celebrate what i have and continue to cherish, love and live. but i still wish you'd shut up.

button you must wander wander wander

i spent my last night in hk folding origami with my friend. till 1 am. i woke up the next morning for work feeling like i have had a terrile hangover. and the origami was a disaster.

i landed last night at some obscene hour and got home at an even more unearthly hour. i was so excited to check out what my swedish friends got me that i ripped open my present in the taxi.

big mistake. for it was a big beautiful but very breakable bowl.i looked back at the packaging and wrapping in dismay knowing there was no way the bowl was going back and had to hug it the rest of the journey.

my hk friend got me pillowcases with the chinese words 'xi' embedded and very ching cheong chinese card wishing me marital bliss.

since i'm already inviting 540 people, so why why why can't they be there. OR i might as well have a wedding party whereever i have a friend.

ok, impractical. toss thought.

**

looking back at the past 18 months now and i can't help but feel so scared, so sad, so excited all at once. i really hate leaving what i'm doing and representing brands that i've grown to love so so so much i can't help but sing about them.

ok not quite sing but you get the drift. i think everyone should have a babybjorn.

i'm gearing up for what is to come but WHAT is to come?

i cried for like 50 minutes on the plane back yesterday. i know so because it was from 59 minutes to destination to landing. i missed the people i've grown to enjoy so much during work, knowing that no matter how much we promise to keep in touch, it's never really the same anymore.

also i cried for the lost souls who have been intertwined with mine and whom i so hope to experience Jesus like i do.

i walked past this old beggar. she's quite a character as she sits in the middle of the streets of central and ties blown up plastic bags all around herself. i've walked past her so many times in the past year and i've never done more than drop a few coins. this time, knowing it'll be a loooong time before i next return to hk for pleasure, i thoroughly thought about what i would say to her if i cld just see her again th enext day.

as if she cared.

but i spent one hour in bed racking my brains and checking my cantonese guidebook and i came up with just 'ye sou oi lei.' however, we didn't make it back to Central and i was a tad disappointed.

so for that, i think i'll be back in hk. hopefully within the next 6 mths!

**

i cried as i recounted His goodness in my life. and how he tenderedly engineeered every moment for a greater good. so i started singing on the plane by myself thinking i was by myself but forgetting that there are like 300 others.

never mind.

**

feels like forever since I last had isaac alone with myself and the weekend is still jampacked with activities, chores, meet ups with other people.

if this globe is too small forus and everyone (i've learnt over the past 18 months) is somewhat connected to one another, then why does it take so long to travel?

if i was a swinging single, i'd never stop jet setting and ingesting the wondrous sights and sounds of different cities. so now that i'm going to be very married, i hope that we'll be able to do that TOGETHER. somehow. somewhat.i wouldnt mind living out of a suitcase forever and i've learnt that i have the doraemon anointing. somehow, everything i need is somehow packed in. except plasters when i cut my hands at 11pm.

more and more, i feel like i can't stay in singapore. its not just the heat. i still love SG but i just can't help feeling like i need to venture further and live elsewhere for awhile at least. but home is where the heart is and where the heart is is where isaac is so i better learn to stay put unless he agrees to uproot. i'm feeling less singaporean by the day and i'm developing a keen interest in just about 3 different languages now.

where are You taking me?

in transit

while my nose is dripping and my luggage is unpacked and the stress is mounting...
all i can say is
thank God its HK
thank God its only for 4 days

HK, I will miss you. and i will not visit you as often anymore.
i'll be taking a break from all this soon. to sort out life, on the whole. to personalize it, live it and savour it and share it.

after this week, i can finally leave my toiletries bag and 'first aid ' kit unpacked and even put away the suitcase for abit. i can start working on the house, suss out good deals for furniture and electronics.

after this month..
i can work out our budget, plan for christmas sales and wrap hampers.
my wedding planner can actually find me.
i will find that time passes maybe slightly slower than it usually does and get used to 8 hours of sleep.

i will exercise and prepare. like a bride in waiting.
i will finish up my facial course at MTM so they can stop wondering where I went and what they are going to do with my money.

i will miss my baby carriers and BPA free bottles. i will miss the cots and educational dvds. i will miss the regular salary.

i will miss training because then I really get to tell them how much how wonderful how fantastic it really is. and i will also miss travelling.

most of all, i will miss the colleagues and business associates i've grown to be friends with.

but i'm ready to disembark and transit.

Theme on my heart for this week.

we are watched, whether we like it or not. People are watching us and our actions and decisions are our testimonies.

It breaks my heart that a grievous act of a follower of Christ can cause so much repurcussions. That others, who don't know Jesus for themselves judge Him when they watch His diciples. Unwittingly, we have created offense to the cross.

I thought nothing about a recent wrong somone has done. I felt for her and wished she would repent and forsake those ways but never beyond that. Until Isaac made me realize that the testimony of her folly will scream volumes to many others. When I saw it sometime later, it grieved me. I wanted to stand up and say, ''No! Jesus is not like that. You can't judge the Christ with the christian!" But how do we really really explain this to a people whose eyes are still veiled. Furthermore, we were judged with Him at the cross and today we lay claim to His righteosness and right standing with God. Does that oneness excuse our reproach from His?

"The only Jesus they might see in this life may be you." Those were heavy words said to me. How could anyone lay a burden so heavy on me..when I'm just a girl.I've been forgiven more than a thousand times over and can only live right by His grace.

not all are discerning enough to separate the Christ from the Christian. The flesh, when it acts on its own also bore the stripes of Christ. Then we claim that we died in Him, so also shall we live in Him. But when we willingly and willfully reproach the Christ, why then do we cry out for separation..

He knew it'll be like that but He still chose us. Oneness comes at a heavy price. There is no separation thereafter.

"Oh, that my actions woud consistently reflect your principles!" Psalm 119: 5 NLT.

so who do we look to now

Why am I surprised? Has it not been prophesied from days of old? From the mouth of prophets and from the BOOK itself.

He must have already known, that the biggest financial systems will be the flaky mess that they are today. That the world leaders are scratching their heads and wondering why and how. That all will look around for answers, a solution but find none. That masses will scramble for their savings. That none of us are really saved..

I've been following the news and devouring commentaries from Time, Newsweek and The Economist. I've been watching repeats every 20 minutes on CNN , Bloomberg news while waiting for flights and they do little to assuage my soul that everything will be all right. The naysayers might be right this time after all.

I cannot deny the tide of fear that has assaulted my thoughts. There are too many what ifs as I desperately cling on the only surety I know-Him. That somehow, He'll not just take us through but use us to bless others.

I pray my heart will not be small in these days to lend and give aid to others. That I will share all that I am and all that I have with the brethen. I am scared. There doesn't seemto be enough. I don't have yet a revelation about His abundance. But until that sinks in, I don't want to be hindered in giving.

In that moment, I realized that there is still so much of selfishness in me that hasn't been circumcised away. That my first thoughts were still of self. i pray that I love others before myself and I love Him above others.

that like Job, may integrity and uprightness preserve my soul from corrupting influences and deceit. because its so easy to miss a step and plunge into an abyss. It's so easy to be greedy. it's so easy to justify yourself until your conscience is seared. its so easy, to live just for yourself. to be wounded and not heal, to be offended and not forgive.

I've seen the peril of all that and how it can be so insidious. Let each day, each breath count.

HKG-DAY 1

i had 3 hours of sleep.
i was zombiefied.

random man in uniform: where are you from? passport please?
me (showing passport)
random man in uniform : are you a student? no? you're from sanrioland ah

my passport had a my melody cover.

then..

i didn't realize i was walking around with my luggage tag on my pants. everyone knew i took sq 860 and came from singapore.

then at the apartment..

i didn't know how to operate the kettle. or maybe its just not working
the light doesn't seem to work
and before that i took 10 mins to figure out how to use the key to get in.

on the way to the office..
i tried in vain to gesticulate after i tried in vain to use my cantonese on this guy for help with my octopus card.

back 'home' after many hours..
i decided to collapse on watch tv
then this is the real clincher
the screen froze
nothing moved
except a moving security guard and silence
i panicked. i thought i killed the tv. i remembered thehaunting words of a friend that said my aura alone could destroy all electronic equipment.
then i realized
i was watching the cctv.

updates from the latest leg of the race.

Often, I go to God with my requests and problems only to have Him speak like He wasn't listening.

Let me explain:

Eg. I'm heartbroken about this injustice done towards me by a friend.
Him: Forgive and bless your enemy.

Eg : I have this need and I need this amount of money to tide me through.
Him: Give what you have away.

These have served to evoke just about the same response everytime-BALK.

It defies logic and reasoning. But He seems to know what He is doing. I've been hurt but forgiving and blessing (the latter is more painful coz it requires me to ACT on it when forgiving is an invisible and intangible) releases me from the hurt and open up my heart to immeasurable joy. Sometimes, the relationship is restored and I get to witness the other person coming to the Lord, his senses or repenting. Sometimes, it doesn't. Or perhaps not yet.

I've given away only to receive 20 x the amount. Yes, no other investment especially in this day and age can yield so much anymore. And in such a short time too. To those with capital, the first instinct is to grab bargains from the property market and the various auctions available. But in such perilous time, the heart of God is looking to meet the needs of the poor, desolate and hungry. And He needs His church, His body, His bride to cooperate with Him. The world needs a light in the midst of darkness and turmoil. It's our time to shine.

I've realized that I'm called to be a middleman. Even in my current vocation, I'm a distributor and agent. Going forward, I know God is expanding my portfolio. I will not just do the upper middle income market but the mass market. And this will be more mass than I've ever experienced.

I will not just distribute toiletries but Jesus. I will dispearse Him, feed them with Him and reap with Him. I'm so gleefully excited just thinking about this. And to be very honest, nervous. But heck.

I've been guilty about just focusing on what I have to do and not abiding in His presence, not realizing I'm depletig myself and just vanquishing without His presence. Not realizing that I'm bankrupt and there's no fuel in me to continue. In the latest leg of the race, He has been teaching me to abide abide and abide in the spiritual fortress that is His presence.

I've learnt faith beyond what I knew from books and other's experiences (and my own disappointments). I've named it, claimed it and still didn't get it. Deepdown, i know itsnot on its way. It's not coming. It's not that my faith didn't work. It's because He loves me still and He has a plan and His thoughts are above mine. I don't always see the wisdom of it immediately but I've learnt to repect it.

Faith now is gift and it comes through experiencing it. It is a powerful currency that is used in the transactions between Heaven and earth. I've learnt to seek His will more carefully regarding a matter, discern what He wants and have full confidence believing and marching in that direction.

So yes, I've taken small steps as some of you can see. But this time, I've got more confidence (and naysayers).

Following His cloud until it rains.

moving right along!

i'm so excited. i've finally learnt to move on despite any doubt/personal inhibition/rising opposition.

there is a great wave of encouragement and i just know so much holds in store for me next year. i've even been warned that it'll be difficult but i'm going to give it a shot. my best shot.

for now, i just don't want to compromise now and i want truly only His best for my life. i am tired of looking left and right and allowing my thoughts to be weighed down by lesser things.

something is brewing and its good. and i'm going to get ready for it.

wedding prep:
i just want a simple party where i can afford to mingle with the guests, testify endlessly and laugh and laugh.

yes, its a bit stressful but i'm determined to make it a light hearted affair.

as for gifts, really, i have like 2 dining tables, 2 fridges etc. and i have a grandtotal of 1000 sf to play around with and i'm not too keen on choking it up with so many things.

so, if you're considering a gift, PLEASE ASK ME IF SOMEONE HAS ALREADY CHOPED if not i'll have to sell your gift.

to be unabashedly honest, cash is really preferred.

fatigued.

i haven't been the same.

first, my collar bones are in full glory again after semi disappearing. i lost about 2.5 kg in Europe. I don't know where i left it really.

and the sheer fatigue is resulting in a further loss of appetite which is just not helping. i konk at at 7pm when most of you are having dinner. i rush home to ...sleep.

then i wake up ridiculously early and by 2pm i'm like super zonked out again.

wedding stress is mounting and i wish i had a fairy god mother. my wedding planner is a great help but with great help comes great cost so i'm not willing to part with that much money.

i'm in no mood to think about honeymoon and all coz really i just want a breather and for things to fall into place. at the workfront, handovers and new launches are due at the same time. the whole thing sounds like an oxymoron and with a fatigued brain not working at full capacity, it's not going too smoothly.

in times like these, i really want to just curl into bed and sleep. i would like to say i can't wait for the weekend but these days, i realize that the weekend has a longer to do list than weekdays. so really, i'm trapped.

my idea of keeping in touch with my friends is the lengthy mails they post on my facebook. see, we can thank God for facebook too. (if only i can figure out how to post a video of the eiffel tower that i'd taken in paris)

wall street is crashing and financial giants are crumbling. did anyone realize that we're dangerously near oct 29 which was the date the stockmarkets crash in 1929? i hope this is not the sequel to the great depression. it almost sounds like a similar replica.

i find my trust violently shaken with nothing to hold on to. my hope is thankfully anchored to Him and yes while investments and jobs all hang in the balance and the world economyis hoisting a white flag when just 12 months ago, we were experiencing a financial boom, i have decided to live in the mountains and cultivate a habit of leaves and twigs.

i am kidding. its the fatigue talking.

mei ling...isst 2 mths already?hurry back! phonecalls to aust are expensive!

announcement

back. and i 'd love to talk more about the trip and give everyone updates. except that my brain is still stuck in sleep mode.

and i'm reallytired.

and i realized the only time i'd ever eat breakfast AFTER lunch is when i'm flying eastwards.

i don't know if i should be a fellow oyster.

me: remember not to accessorize /wear make up when we meet the Amish people.
her: why?
me: its offensive in their culture
her: how about pearls?
me:-exasperated- what are pearls?not accessories?
her: but they are just pearls!
me: ok. i'll tell them you're an oyster and you just produced them and can't take them off.

life without me!

so mei ling left tonight.
i'm so happy for her and i believe she'll have fun in melb with ah belle.

i don't know. it's not like we manage to meet so often in sg but i just hate it that she is two hours away and is not readily accessible to me. i'm THAT selfish.

what if i need a food kaki? what if i just need to feel silly and need company at that? who am i going to poke fun at now?

melbourne is stealing alot of my friends. despite being one of my favoritest places on earth, i have a love hate relationship with it because it stole so many pple i love.

its something about the not so sombre atmosphere (it's not as crazy as the west and not as fast as the east), the crazy erratic weather, the streets that i manage to somehow navigate, the sunsets and the good times i've had there with the same friends that trooped over that gave melby a special place in my heart.

it has been my place of temporary refuge everytime i'm down. in the past, it was so convenient to just book a ticket and end up at the doorsteps of a friend's place. now, its near impossible. because tickets no longer cost less than 1k. and time is scarce.

i feel like doing that now. but i can't.

australia is not home but somehow i want to go there like all the time. perhaps after this paris trip, this opinion will change.

which i'm looking forward to. if not for the fact that cologne follows after that and my schedule for colognenow is filled with..plenty of meet ups i wonder if i have time venture out to buy a pair of birks.thank God i already know my size.

**
at the lift lobby, as the lift door opens, this guy stepped out and upon seeing me said
"hi, i just left''

i was astounded. i mean huh why who is he. a thousand thoughts raced throughmy mind. is he a neighbour?did ilose my memory??is he somebody important that i forgot again?is he my relative who came to visit?

i just stood there literally with my mouth gaping for awhile. until he said 'you don't recognize me?!"

and all i could do was nod like an idiot.

apparently he is my brother's tutor who has been at my house every week for the past year. and he has said hi to me a thousand times before. and i never knew ....

this adds to the list of people who go 'hi xinying!" and i go ''ahhhhh..hi'