Again, I wonder

Despite the very significant progress and breakthroughs, I wonder yet again when will I see the fruition of all I sought to grow. If it was a luscious vineyard I set out to plant and grow, i think the plants would be all up and I'll just be waiting for the grapes to show up. While patience takes its time to mature in the petulance of my being, I find it hard being still, being at ease with me.

I feel that ever so often I find myself at this place of wonder and doubt. It's like a perennial plague that never fails to leave me alone. Perhaps its entrenched in my humanity or perhaps Thomas and I just share DNA. That doesn't matter. It seems like I can't be contented until I have it all mapped out perfectly. And frustration erupts when it so often doesn't happened as planned. Despite the better plans that I know He has in store, why do I go about seeking MY way. Why do I feel lost when I know exactly where I'm headed?

Beyond the career and financial aspect, I also wonder what He has in store for me this season. Growth is clearly lacking in so many other areas. It seems like life is measured only by dollars and cents these days or in my case, the number of bottles I've sold. I've been feeling so far and so out of reach from the grasps of His love and grace. While He still expresses himself in languages I don't speak and has exhibited demonstrations of His love and faithfulness, I find myself wondering if I've gone too far and lost the sweet intimacy of communion that I once had every single moment.

These days, insecurity and doubt plague my soul like a leech that threatens to steal life. Somedays I forget who I really am- my identity, purpose and who He really is to me. The insidious distracions of life have crept in so unaware and so steathily I've allowed them to take root. Spring cleaning is too much of a hastle and I've been content to just co-exist , brushing them under the carpet of 'indifference' and hoping that they will one day just go away.

I've been so wrong.

Then the ugly explode in my face and I know I've gotta face the music, come what may. And then I've left at an utter loss because I don't really know what to do. I've got a semblance of my past convictions and they still hold (Thank God) but apart from that, I'm very much an empty shell, a shadow of what I was purposed to be. The hurdles that once were molehills have evolved to mountains that I can't just stride over. It takes so much more now for me to be happy, contented and at peace.

So now I just seek You. You and your truth. Forget the long listed agendas that I set out to do, the goals I set out to achieve and the chants I recited in the name of confessions. These things are all vanity. I just want to be me, at the foot of Your cross for You to love.

Because that was really why You created me for.