report for life: marriage assessment etc.

i haven't been logging down my thoughts in this space because i just don't know how to anymore.

i can't provide a log of my feelings and chores that chronicle the first month of marriage. it is seriously not too exciting. there is a rojak cocktail mix of sweet bliss, frustration and even anticipation even as we step on each other's toes along the way, learning for the first time to live with each other.

our personal sleep habits alone are a fine example of how different we are. while isleep like a starfish, he sleeps like a seahorse in the middle of the bed. this is all fine except that we know have to share a bed and i come to bed later than him. so imagine my horror when i see someone sleeping in the middle!

also, apparently i have secret kick boxing tendencies so i've been elbowing and kicking him in my sleep. sigh.

apart from that, its really quite fine. so much so that i wonder where its all going and what next...

i'm asking what next for us, what next for myself in terms of career and growth and what next for ministry.

i don't know if i ihave any answers yet and knowing me, i tend to lapse into a kancheong state coz i must know everything from a to z. i feel like i must follow a perfect plan that locks me down to the minute. there is just not enough time these days. there's work, housework, friends , church and our own family time. it's like everything is crying out for our attention and while we would like to accord fair time to every aspect, its getting quite impossible.

running my own business is a challenge in itself. most would like to envy me for my 'flexible timing' but really it just means working overtime all the time. if i decide to give myself abit more sleep and start work later, i end up with a huge backlog and stress myself further. also, i need to put my brains to growing it to make it sustainable with the 5 loaves and 2 fishes i've got. it's like a baby that constantly requires attention and while it blesses me and makes me so so happy, it rarely gives me a respite. i'm stillwaiting on the lord for fresh instructions, for new doors everyday.

i'm learning life like never before. that its so multi faceted diamond and it reflects both exhilirating joy and excruciating pain. that every experience is so rich only because God is there. even in the pits. and the pits hold treasure only if you dig. that faithfulness is a rare gem in today's world. that i can't trust my own heart. that i am nothing apart from Him.

i would have read joseph's story again and judged that God isn't there given what he had to go through. but He was. from the pit/dungeon to the highest office in the country, He was there. and joseph is joseph only ebcause he lived through it all, with the Lord. we'll never know and fully understand until we reach heaven's door why certain things happen and sometimes it really wrenches my spirit but i just need to plow on, go on and trust in His loving heart towards me. some day i'll know. but in the meantime, i'll grow.