doctor: your life is really bad.
me: trials are temporary. Gotta maintain some optimism and faith.
who's who?
Btw, they ran out of my drugs and I now have to go to another pharmacy to get it via prescription.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Today,after a 1plus month sick leave of absence to get my mind and life sorted put,I start work officially.
Apprehensive yet excited all at once my heart is bursting with praise for god.I'm not confident at all of anything,especially my abilities to fill the large shoes of expectations but I know god will be there to strengthen and hold my hand through it all. And that's all I need.
I look to him for help and blessings for this new season and stay calm but poised for surprise at what he has in store for me.
I love u lord.thank you so much.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, February 18, 2011
of ICQ and other ancient artefacts
It happened again.
Slept at 10pm woke up at 2 + am.
And here I am now. Bleurgh.
Tried to log into my ICQ account earlier. Blast from the past with some of the best memories (and most embarassing ones). I wonder what happened to it. I lost my user id and password but remembered my UIN.
Missing some friends. Wishing they'd call. Not at 3 am of course, but eventually coz I've so lost touch. But if they did, what would we say? What would I say? Perhaps, "Hi, how have you been? Been a while. I have insomnia and you popped up at 3 am"
Slept at 10pm woke up at 2 + am.
And here I am now. Bleurgh.
Tried to log into my ICQ account earlier. Blast from the past with some of the best memories (and most embarassing ones). I wonder what happened to it. I lost my user id and password but remembered my UIN.
Missing some friends. Wishing they'd call. Not at 3 am of course, but eventually coz I've so lost touch. But if they did, what would we say? What would I say? Perhaps, "Hi, how have you been? Been a while. I have insomnia and you popped up at 3 am"
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Being a Gideon
Gideon-When you're afraid to move forward but can't look back.
Small and weak
Heard you
Unable
Show me a sign
Desperate
Anyway anyhow
Small and weak
Heard you
Unable
Show me a sign
Desperate
Anyway anyhow
The present trial
At least trying times drives me to God for all that it's worth, I know it's worth it.
Job hunt is still inconclusive with negotiations attaining no progress. Am not extremely optimistic either way either way: with both current company and the search for new ones. Everything seems to sum up to communicate what a failure I am. I seem to be paper underqualified for just about every job I've applied even though I've been doing it for..5 years.
It's a superficial world that constantly instils nothing but self-doubt and discouragement. I would probably be able to muster more tenacity in me to perservere if not for the severe lack of sleep. The sleep deficit is costing me too much and I see no way out of this hell hole as yet.
The wonderous miracle of it all is that somehow, inspite of the frustrations, I have an abiding peace in me. It might sound absolutely preposterous but somehow I know I just have to wait it out the best way I can and continue to sit at his feet and wait. That's the privilege and trial of every child of God because waiting was designed to do something to the spirit. It's like a refiner's fire to purge out impurities and draw out the very best that will otherwise lay dormant.
I can't quite snuff out the cries of despair and other thoughts that try to weigh down my soul just like how I can't quite stop my nose from being runny now.
Jesus, give me strength to cling on harder to you and all your truth.
Job hunt is still inconclusive with negotiations attaining no progress. Am not extremely optimistic either way either way: with both current company and the search for new ones. Everything seems to sum up to communicate what a failure I am. I seem to be paper underqualified for just about every job I've applied even though I've been doing it for..5 years.
It's a superficial world that constantly instils nothing but self-doubt and discouragement. I would probably be able to muster more tenacity in me to perservere if not for the severe lack of sleep. The sleep deficit is costing me too much and I see no way out of this hell hole as yet.
The wonderous miracle of it all is that somehow, inspite of the frustrations, I have an abiding peace in me. It might sound absolutely preposterous but somehow I know I just have to wait it out the best way I can and continue to sit at his feet and wait. That's the privilege and trial of every child of God because waiting was designed to do something to the spirit. It's like a refiner's fire to purge out impurities and draw out the very best that will otherwise lay dormant.
I can't quite snuff out the cries of despair and other thoughts that try to weigh down my soul just like how I can't quite stop my nose from being runny now.
Jesus, give me strength to cling on harder to you and all your truth.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The burden of prosperity
" Abundant grace enabled him (Paul) to bar abundant prosperity. When he had a full sail he was loaded with much ballast, and so floated safely. It needs more than human skill to carry the brimming cup of mortal joy with a steady hand, yet Paul had learned that skill, for he declares, " In all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry. " It is a divine lesson to know how to be full, for the Israelites were full once, but while the flesh was yet in their mouth, the wrath of God came upon them. Many have asked for mercies that they might satisfy their own hearts' lust. Fulness of bread has often made fulness of blood and that has brought on wantoness of spirit. When we have much of God's providential mercies, it often happens that we have butlittle of God's grace and little gratitude for the bounties we have received. We are full and we forget God: satisfied with earth, we are content to do without heaven. Rest assured it is harder to know how to be full than it is to know how to be hungry--so desperate is the tendency of human nature to pride and forgetfulness of God."-Charles Spurgeon.
Insomnia
This is not good. At all.
Thank God the meeting tomorrow was postponed. Otherwise, I'd be a complete zombie.
I must have over-excited both brain and stomach. My stomach is apparently still busy digesting the huge dinner I had with Cali. There's like a cyclone living inside and it's making loud sounds.
Refuse to return to my sleeping pills so now I just have to rough it out even if it means being completely zonked out tomorrow. I can't sleep late even though I technically have the luxury to, thanks to the construction two blocks down.
Was just thinking about the last month and how I took the opportunity to devour all sorts of information that I could get my hands on on the following topics of interest:
-Microexpressions
-Criminal profiling
-Crime scene investigation
-Miscarriages of justice
-Spiritual Depression
-Acupoints
-Food (ok, last one was not a surprise)
Despite the adrenaline high I get from reading about my pet topics, I am ready to hit the treadmill of life and get back to work. Now now, if only it'll get sorted out soon.
God, help me resolve this stalemate. In the meantime, help me to utilize the last days of my freedom according to Your preferences.
Thank God the meeting tomorrow was postponed. Otherwise, I'd be a complete zombie.
I must have over-excited both brain and stomach. My stomach is apparently still busy digesting the huge dinner I had with Cali. There's like a cyclone living inside and it's making loud sounds.
Refuse to return to my sleeping pills so now I just have to rough it out even if it means being completely zonked out tomorrow. I can't sleep late even though I technically have the luxury to, thanks to the construction two blocks down.
Was just thinking about the last month and how I took the opportunity to devour all sorts of information that I could get my hands on on the following topics of interest:
-Microexpressions
-Criminal profiling
-Crime scene investigation
-Miscarriages of justice
-Spiritual Depression
-Acupoints
-Food (ok, last one was not a surprise)
Despite the adrenaline high I get from reading about my pet topics, I am ready to hit the treadmill of life and get back to work. Now now, if only it'll get sorted out soon.
God, help me resolve this stalemate. In the meantime, help me to utilize the last days of my freedom according to Your preferences.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
The farce
In reference to the famous Philipian verse:
Be care for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God
"What does the apostle tell us to do when we are threatened by anxiety? He does not just say: 'Stop worrying, pull yourself together'. The apostle does not say that for the good reason that totell a person in that condition to stop worrying is useless. Incidentally, it is also bad psychology. That is what is called repression"-Dr Martyn Lloyd Jones, Spiritual Depression.
I have been a victim too often in my life to the common enemy of anxiety. This has lead to both well and ill-meaning people that surround me to use this verse as a generic rod to beat me into forcefully stopping my tendency to worry. Never once did it work and more often than not, it breeds a sense of despair and helplessness.
I hate psychology disguised in Christian cloak. Call a spade a spade but don't clothe it under something so glorious and parade it as your own.
The bible is clear about our human depravity and what we really are-nothing. In this, God's grace is made even clearer to me when I see that He has made provision even for this. So to the strong and worry-free, I suspect that you either have nothing to worry about living in your detached cocoon of illusion or that your sanity has already gone over the edge.
I know for sure the taste of this medicine you freely dole out will not be sweet.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!
Be care for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God
"What does the apostle tell us to do when we are threatened by anxiety? He does not just say: 'Stop worrying, pull yourself together'. The apostle does not say that for the good reason that totell a person in that condition to stop worrying is useless. Incidentally, it is also bad psychology. That is what is called repression"-Dr Martyn Lloyd Jones, Spiritual Depression.
I have been a victim too often in my life to the common enemy of anxiety. This has lead to both well and ill-meaning people that surround me to use this verse as a generic rod to beat me into forcefully stopping my tendency to worry. Never once did it work and more often than not, it breeds a sense of despair and helplessness.
I hate psychology disguised in Christian cloak. Call a spade a spade but don't clothe it under something so glorious and parade it as your own.
The bible is clear about our human depravity and what we really are-nothing. In this, God's grace is made even clearer to me when I see that He has made provision even for this. So to the strong and worry-free, I suspect that you either have nothing to worry about living in your detached cocoon of illusion or that your sanity has already gone over the edge.
I know for sure the taste of this medicine you freely dole out will not be sweet.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Post CNY
The fatigue is really taking a toll.
I definitely overdosed on my Aunty's sedap curry and now my throat is threatening to rebel against the harsh treatment.
Overall, I survived CNY. I rebelled in many ways also and there's officially a stand-off/cold war. I made my point and I'm leaving it at that. Great sense of relief and it is so liberating to finally allow my silent screams to have a voice.
I was all determined to have a restful CNY and not oblige to every single invitation and repeat last year's nightmare of endless cooking and cleaning. It didn't work. I managed to escape the slave of kitchen bit but still exhausted my days going out to meet friends. I'm glad these people insulate my attempts of 'hermitdom'. I am so unwilling to crawl out of my shell these days and so relish reading and other solitary activities. In the silence, I can be myself and while that's not always a good thing, my favourite part is being able to hear and sort out my own thoughts. In the past, I just always had too much stimuli.
Now, I'm preparing to restart work. Still don't know where God will lead and how to navigate these unchartered territories. Hope it works out.
I definitely overdosed on my Aunty's sedap curry and now my throat is threatening to rebel against the harsh treatment.
Overall, I survived CNY. I rebelled in many ways also and there's officially a stand-off/cold war. I made my point and I'm leaving it at that. Great sense of relief and it is so liberating to finally allow my silent screams to have a voice.
I was all determined to have a restful CNY and not oblige to every single invitation and repeat last year's nightmare of endless cooking and cleaning. It didn't work. I managed to escape the slave of kitchen bit but still exhausted my days going out to meet friends. I'm glad these people insulate my attempts of 'hermitdom'. I am so unwilling to crawl out of my shell these days and so relish reading and other solitary activities. In the silence, I can be myself and while that's not always a good thing, my favourite part is being able to hear and sort out my own thoughts. In the past, I just always had too much stimuli.
Now, I'm preparing to restart work. Still don't know where God will lead and how to navigate these unchartered territories. Hope it works out.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
new hair
The curls are more relaxed now and I finally feel I can let my hair down when I go out.
Eve of Eve of CNY. I'm not excited or happy. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. Want to be a hermit and hide under the covers. Go away world. Go ahead and rain me in.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Walled up
It hasn't stopped raining in 3 days.
I appreciate the coolness and I think my air conditioners appreciate the break as well. They have been working hard for me.
I am devolving to more and more of a hermit and increasingly possessive of my personal time. I think the emptiness is my best friend. Feel so encroached on when his mum asked us to stay over. I was almost indignantly furious. To top it off, she gave me expired fishballs. And no, I'm not over the ONE tomato saga. I really feel so trapped and hounded. This has got to be one of the worst times of the year. I hate being the recipient of your leftovers and your annual fridge spring cleaning endeavours.
I feel this constant need to protect myself from the corrupt values surrounding me, I know what I'm vulnerable and susceptible and how fragile I really am. That's why I need to stay away from poisonous influences and stimuli like a hyperchondriac from germs.
Leave me alone.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Consolation
Psalm 138:8
" The Lord will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, OLord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."
See it at YouVersion.com:
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, January 27, 2011
rested
We finally have a guest room! Sorta. He bought a really expensive bed so we can afford to have ONE guest. The church very often hosts visitors from overseas and it's been the same few people hosting for awhile. We still got quite a long way to go to clearing out my 'laundromat'. I have a disgusting amount of clothes and bags. Need to start giving them away. Some of them still have tags on them.
Despite the fairer weather and sightings of rainbows on the mood front, I still have some difficult valleys to sojourn through. Being alone is like a double edged sword. On one hand, it gives me room to sort out my thoughts and think. On the other, it makes me vulnerable and pre-dispositioned to my worst vice: thinking too much. I mull and I ponder and then it leads to worry without solutions or an anchored faith that 'it is well with my soul'.
My social calendar seems awfully maxed out and I cherish the times of solitude so badly. Yes, I do get many hours a day alone but those have to be spent with my mind on some basic chores and well...I don't even know what. I don't even know why I'm always invited to something. I guess that it is a good thing and it's also ok to turn some invites down. And these are good people. It's just that I don't know how to choose anymore and a part of me does want to go. I just end up super tired after and it messes up my delicate routine that I'm trying to establish after having a hey-wire one for so long.
God help me. I'm having a meeting with the GM after the 8th to discuss my role in the company. It may or may not work out. I have to agree with pay package and most importantly, the portfolio. Am done trying to be everything although part of me relishes running the show from behind the scenes. The temptation is so strong but I'm prepared to walk away from the table if it doesn't feel right. I'm not 22 anymore. My career ambitions have yet to abate and I know I'll be heading for another crash if I do what I always do. My first priority still needs to be my family. I don't know how it's all going to work out but He will sort it out.
Despite the fairer weather and sightings of rainbows on the mood front, I still have some difficult valleys to sojourn through. Being alone is like a double edged sword. On one hand, it gives me room to sort out my thoughts and think. On the other, it makes me vulnerable and pre-dispositioned to my worst vice: thinking too much. I mull and I ponder and then it leads to worry without solutions or an anchored faith that 'it is well with my soul'.
My social calendar seems awfully maxed out and I cherish the times of solitude so badly. Yes, I do get many hours a day alone but those have to be spent with my mind on some basic chores and well...I don't even know what. I don't even know why I'm always invited to something. I guess that it is a good thing and it's also ok to turn some invites down. And these are good people. It's just that I don't know how to choose anymore and a part of me does want to go. I just end up super tired after and it messes up my delicate routine that I'm trying to establish after having a hey-wire one for so long.
God help me. I'm having a meeting with the GM after the 8th to discuss my role in the company. It may or may not work out. I have to agree with pay package and most importantly, the portfolio. Am done trying to be everything although part of me relishes running the show from behind the scenes. The temptation is so strong but I'm prepared to walk away from the table if it doesn't feel right. I'm not 22 anymore. My career ambitions have yet to abate and I know I'll be heading for another crash if I do what I always do. My first priority still needs to be my family. I don't know how it's all going to work out but He will sort it out.
:/
Had my first reunion dinner with my family today. Was a costly affair but I guess it was worth it. Been awhile and there wasn't a hint of any of the past turbulence in my relationship with my parents.
Isaac had a good chat with my straight-as-an-arrow brother. When we asked how was his Israel trip, his answer was a simple 'good'. When we asked what he saw, he went 'mountains and blah blah'. Hardly worth the 3k + the parents spent to send him there. And believe it or not, he didn't take a single picture! He didn't even bring his camera or took anything with his iphone. SIGH.
Was supposed to help and plan steamboat dinner for homegroup but it is starting to look like a logistical nightmare. Simon just invites and scaled it up without considering the details and now Joanne and I are flabbergasted that we have 20+ people and..no steamboat. She already ordered most of the raw stuff so we can't even cancel and switch to a restaurant instead. To top it off, we don't have enough tables and chairs! Oh well.
On another note, I'm still woozy. Nearly fell back when I stood up because I was so lightheaded. I wonder what's wrong. I was given a clean bill of health by the doctors but there are these persisting symptoms that suggest otherwise. I eat well, sleep (quite) well. And, inspite of the crazy incessant over-indulgence of food in HK AND BINTAN, I managed to lose weight. I suspected hyper-thyroidism but I'm apparently all clear in this area. But I'm not new to this. I've realized that in the past, the more I eat, the more weight I lose. It seems like my metabolism increases when I erm..exercise my jaw.
I am uber weird.
Isaac had a good chat with my straight-as-an-arrow brother. When we asked how was his Israel trip, his answer was a simple 'good'. When we asked what he saw, he went 'mountains and blah blah'. Hardly worth the 3k + the parents spent to send him there. And believe it or not, he didn't take a single picture! He didn't even bring his camera or took anything with his iphone. SIGH.
Was supposed to help and plan steamboat dinner for homegroup but it is starting to look like a logistical nightmare. Simon just invites and scaled it up without considering the details and now Joanne and I are flabbergasted that we have 20+ people and..no steamboat. She already ordered most of the raw stuff so we can't even cancel and switch to a restaurant instead. To top it off, we don't have enough tables and chairs! Oh well.
On another note, I'm still woozy. Nearly fell back when I stood up because I was so lightheaded. I wonder what's wrong. I was given a clean bill of health by the doctors but there are these persisting symptoms that suggest otherwise. I eat well, sleep (quite) well. And, inspite of the crazy incessant over-indulgence of food in HK AND BINTAN, I managed to lose weight. I suspected hyper-thyroidism but I'm apparently all clear in this area. But I'm not new to this. I've realized that in the past, the more I eat, the more weight I lose. It seems like my metabolism increases when I erm..exercise my jaw.
I am uber weird.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Redemption hill family
It's almost 1 am and the skies are crying.
For some reason, despite the inconvenience it causes, I very much prefer the rain to the scorching heat. Maybe I should even stock up on some rain boots and ponchos so I can go on with my daily activities unhindered. This weather is so much more romantic and it cheers me up so much more than cloudless days under the scorching sun.
My leave is coming to an end soon (if things go as planned) and I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Excited yet apprehensive all at the same time. But leaving it in God's hands. Somehow, I'm not too worried anymore. This break has helped to clear my head and taught me to take life one step at a time. There will be enough grace for every moment, every trial.
Still feeling a tad seasick for the ferry ride back home from Bintan. I heard it'll take a week to subside. The waters were extremely choppy and we spent the entire hour playing charades. It was hilarious. I've really grown very close to this group. So close I'm a tad afraid that I'll have to leave them, that if anyone of them leaves, it'll break my heart. Every single one is so precious and it truly feels like family. I never thought it'd be possible to find such a strong brother/sisterhood in christ here on earth ever again but I did and I thank God for it.
We learnt alot about each other during the trip and everyone concurred that I'm a spoilt vampire in disguise. I shy away from the sun even though we were at a beautiful beach resort and am constantly wearing shades and piling on the SPF. I was also very 'blur' and excitable. Apparently, my team (which includes another MGS girl) would scream the loudest even though we came in last. It is kinda comical because we honestly didn't realize the other teams had beaten us to the games (charades etc) and we thought we were the first to get the answer!
So barely a day after the retreat, though physically exhausted, we were already planning a steamboat reunion at Si and Tarryn's place this friday. Unbelievable. We cannot seem to get enough of each other and whenever someone disappears for work/study commitments such as duty travel, their absence is so palpable.
God has really restored and placed the solitary in families. Now, we are arriving at the place whereby we share our vulnerable secrets, weal and woe. For eg, we all share Joanne's pain and always semi-jest about how it is our cell-group's goal to raise 200k to free her from her bond from a particular slave-driver employer. We missed Karen because she had to miss this trip for a good friend's wedding. We pain and agonize with Tarryn in her hour of affliction. We celebrate each other's victories and walk hand in hand in the dark valleys.
Something so beautiful is happening here and I'm so glad I'm part of it. So inspite of the fact that I'm so not a sun, sea and sand girl, I'm glad I went for the trip. And even if I do get freckles or whatever from the merciless sun, for once, it'll be worth it.
I do hope however that they'll consider shadier places for our next outing. Like Malacca..At least the food will be better.
Shumei even joked that I'm so spoilt that if we were to head along to Mongolia for our mission trip, I'd probably just fly in from some 1st tier city like Shanghai/beijing for the activities and then fly out the moment it's done. I beg to differ. I think with these people, I have learnt that it is quite ok to forego some comforts and I'm happy to be part of this journey. I want to be part of this. I've learnt so much from them, been so inspired by them, been so touched by their love. Now I just want to give back.
Thank you God for these folks. Bless them so much and may Your bonds of love bind us together always, no matter where we go.
For some reason, despite the inconvenience it causes, I very much prefer the rain to the scorching heat. Maybe I should even stock up on some rain boots and ponchos so I can go on with my daily activities unhindered. This weather is so much more romantic and it cheers me up so much more than cloudless days under the scorching sun.
My leave is coming to an end soon (if things go as planned) and I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Excited yet apprehensive all at the same time. But leaving it in God's hands. Somehow, I'm not too worried anymore. This break has helped to clear my head and taught me to take life one step at a time. There will be enough grace for every moment, every trial.
Still feeling a tad seasick for the ferry ride back home from Bintan. I heard it'll take a week to subside. The waters were extremely choppy and we spent the entire hour playing charades. It was hilarious. I've really grown very close to this group. So close I'm a tad afraid that I'll have to leave them, that if anyone of them leaves, it'll break my heart. Every single one is so precious and it truly feels like family. I never thought it'd be possible to find such a strong brother/sisterhood in christ here on earth ever again but I did and I thank God for it.
We learnt alot about each other during the trip and everyone concurred that I'm a spoilt vampire in disguise. I shy away from the sun even though we were at a beautiful beach resort and am constantly wearing shades and piling on the SPF. I was also very 'blur' and excitable. Apparently, my team (which includes another MGS girl) would scream the loudest even though we came in last. It is kinda comical because we honestly didn't realize the other teams had beaten us to the games (charades etc) and we thought we were the first to get the answer!
So barely a day after the retreat, though physically exhausted, we were already planning a steamboat reunion at Si and Tarryn's place this friday. Unbelievable. We cannot seem to get enough of each other and whenever someone disappears for work/study commitments such as duty travel, their absence is so palpable.
God has really restored and placed the solitary in families. Now, we are arriving at the place whereby we share our vulnerable secrets, weal and woe. For eg, we all share Joanne's pain and always semi-jest about how it is our cell-group's goal to raise 200k to free her from her bond from a particular slave-driver employer. We missed Karen because she had to miss this trip for a good friend's wedding. We pain and agonize with Tarryn in her hour of affliction. We celebrate each other's victories and walk hand in hand in the dark valleys.
Something so beautiful is happening here and I'm so glad I'm part of it. So inspite of the fact that I'm so not a sun, sea and sand girl, I'm glad I went for the trip. And even if I do get freckles or whatever from the merciless sun, for once, it'll be worth it.
I do hope however that they'll consider shadier places for our next outing. Like Malacca..At least the food will be better.
Shumei even joked that I'm so spoilt that if we were to head along to Mongolia for our mission trip, I'd probably just fly in from some 1st tier city like Shanghai/beijing for the activities and then fly out the moment it's done. I beg to differ. I think with these people, I have learnt that it is quite ok to forego some comforts and I'm happy to be part of this journey. I want to be part of this. I've learnt so much from them, been so inspired by them, been so touched by their love. Now I just want to give back.
Thank you God for these folks. Bless them so much and may Your bonds of love bind us together always, no matter where we go.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Reflections from HK
The two escapades away from home were fruitful despite being very physically exhausting. Note to self: do not pack 2 trips within the same week.
HK: was an eye opener in many aspects. It was the first time Isaac came along with me and he thought it was a romantic city. I found it preposterous and threw out the thought with a scoff. HK is often generalized (and misunderstood) for being 'souless' with a self-centred populace. The city was also often crowded and noisy AND the air thick with smog. Hardly fits into anyone's notion of romantic. Except my strange boy.
But what is it that draws me back time after time? I don't think it's solely the cheap buys and savings. Somehow I'm in love with this city and everytime I head home to SG, I feel like my heart behind. There is something about the energy and vibrance of this city pulsating like the heartbeat of the city. There is loneliness in the eyes of commuters desperately shying away from any eye contact in this densely populated city. There are the very rich and the very poor, separated by a huge gulf. I could walk around aimlessly just watching the people. Like many other global cities, hurts and fatigue lie concealed underneath the veneer of the designer togs and shades.
I attempted to speak to an old lady sitting by the street corner in busy Mongkok with my broken cantonese. After our brief conversation, I headed off after passing her a $20 note but couldn't get the image of her out of my mind. How lonely, how sad the destitution. It's just not right. The throngs of people shuffling around in the designer togs and shopping bags while the poor sit below the poverty line in the corner of the dirty streets, in the cold. It's just not right that we are co-existing and turning a blind eye to the voiceless populace. It's just not right.
Perhaps I am too rich in my bank and too poor in my soul. Maybe it's not true giving until it hurts. Jesus gave all that He had. The $20 didn't even make a significant dip to my pocket. I can't help but remember the rich young ruler who was turned away by the Lord himself because he couldn't bring himself to part with his worldly comforts. Squatting there in the corner with the old lady for that brief moment made me almost embarassed. Of myself. Embarassed that I haven't shared lavishly what I've been given so richly. Embarassed of the poverty in my own soul that manifests in whining and self-pity when things don't go my way. Embarassed at my laments that I can't afford certain luxuries.
Change me Lord.
Help me to love, like You do. Help me to abandon my attachment to worldly things and truly ''seek Ye first, Your righteousness'. Help me to all that you want me to be to the lost, the poor, the Jesusless.
HK: was an eye opener in many aspects. It was the first time Isaac came along with me and he thought it was a romantic city. I found it preposterous and threw out the thought with a scoff. HK is often generalized (and misunderstood) for being 'souless' with a self-centred populace. The city was also often crowded and noisy AND the air thick with smog. Hardly fits into anyone's notion of romantic. Except my strange boy.
But what is it that draws me back time after time? I don't think it's solely the cheap buys and savings. Somehow I'm in love with this city and everytime I head home to SG, I feel like my heart behind. There is something about the energy and vibrance of this city pulsating like the heartbeat of the city. There is loneliness in the eyes of commuters desperately shying away from any eye contact in this densely populated city. There are the very rich and the very poor, separated by a huge gulf. I could walk around aimlessly just watching the people. Like many other global cities, hurts and fatigue lie concealed underneath the veneer of the designer togs and shades.
I attempted to speak to an old lady sitting by the street corner in busy Mongkok with my broken cantonese. After our brief conversation, I headed off after passing her a $20 note but couldn't get the image of her out of my mind. How lonely, how sad the destitution. It's just not right. The throngs of people shuffling around in the designer togs and shopping bags while the poor sit below the poverty line in the corner of the dirty streets, in the cold. It's just not right that we are co-existing and turning a blind eye to the voiceless populace. It's just not right.
Perhaps I am too rich in my bank and too poor in my soul. Maybe it's not true giving until it hurts. Jesus gave all that He had. The $20 didn't even make a significant dip to my pocket. I can't help but remember the rich young ruler who was turned away by the Lord himself because he couldn't bring himself to part with his worldly comforts. Squatting there in the corner with the old lady for that brief moment made me almost embarassed. Of myself. Embarassed that I haven't shared lavishly what I've been given so richly. Embarassed of the poverty in my own soul that manifests in whining and self-pity when things don't go my way. Embarassed at my laments that I can't afford certain luxuries.
Change me Lord.
Help me to love, like You do. Help me to abandon my attachment to worldly things and truly ''seek Ye first, Your righteousness'. Help me to all that you want me to be to the lost, the poor, the Jesusless.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
How now?
I got two job offers without sending my resume out. (no, not insurance or banking sales)
Now..now. how?
Now..now. how?
Sunday, January 09, 2011
How true
Psalm 39:6
" We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it."
See it at YouVersion.com:
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, January 08, 2011
hubs is sick.
Isaac caught some flu bug 2 days ago. Apart from the sniffles, I'm still holding out. His fever has receded and then came back with a vengeance. 2 visits to the doctor later we emerged from the clinic with 'upgraded' antibiotics.
The poor boy has been in agony. He sleeps most of the time and I cancelled most of my appointments to be at home to serve and nurse him. He hasn't been this sick for quite awhile. Come to think of it, he hasn't really had a flu since he started consuming the crazily expensive cordyceps everday.
It's a little odd that the tables are turned. Usually I'm the one in bed not being able to breathe and feverish. It's actually quite nice (in a weird way) to be the one serving and nursing. While I fully empathize with his pain, it's quite 'refereshing' (if I may use the word) to have him at my mercy and talk less. On my end, I am more obliging and is busy whipping up healthy porridges infused with every available flu-fighting nutrition.
I may have to cancel and bail out of the wedding after all and serve my notice with an ang pow instead. Friend wouldn't be pleased but I doubt my absence will be noticed. It wouldn't be right at all to leave a man who is my covenanted husband at home alone when he is debilitated and weak from almost 39 degrees fever. I'd just feel safer being around checking on his temp, sponging him every now and then, feeding him and making sure he gets enough fluids etc.
The poor boy has been in agony. He sleeps most of the time and I cancelled most of my appointments to be at home to serve and nurse him. He hasn't been this sick for quite awhile. Come to think of it, he hasn't really had a flu since he started consuming the crazily expensive cordyceps everday.
It's a little odd that the tables are turned. Usually I'm the one in bed not being able to breathe and feverish. It's actually quite nice (in a weird way) to be the one serving and nursing. While I fully empathize with his pain, it's quite 'refereshing' (if I may use the word) to have him at my mercy and talk less. On my end, I am more obliging and is busy whipping up healthy porridges infused with every available flu-fighting nutrition.
I may have to cancel and bail out of the wedding after all and serve my notice with an ang pow instead. Friend wouldn't be pleased but I doubt my absence will be noticed. It wouldn't be right at all to leave a man who is my covenanted husband at home alone when he is debilitated and weak from almost 39 degrees fever. I'd just feel safer being around checking on his temp, sponging him every now and then, feeding him and making sure he gets enough fluids etc.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Broken wings
My achilles heel: getting too self-absorbed.
When it rains just as I step out of the house, I think all about my inconvenience and how it must always rain on my parade. I get frustrated. It does not occus that everyone else , under this same piece of the stormy sky is also inconvenienced.
Life cannot be rich when it's all about self. I introspectively examine my failures and focus so much I forget that the earth is still rotating on the same axis and that Jesus is still coming back.
I realized everytime I board a plane headed to somewhere, I somehow never fail to get surprised when the plane lands in another destination. I never fail to marvel that a single tubular vessel can defy gravity and take me away from home. But I was born to travel, to find romance roaming alone through streets with the Lord. In my apparent solitude, I feel peace and appreciate His sweet company. I can afford to get lost. Unlike life now.
I am always in a hurry to go somewhere but am always a crying mess when I have to say goodbye at the airport. Isn't it so strange that I'm fiercely independent and yet my heart clings to so much at home.
I have my best moments on the plane. I watch all the movies I don't get to watch and because I can't work, I am 'forced' to make myself comfortable (no matter how cramped the seat is) , recreate and talk to God. Many of the times I hear His whisper most clearly, it is on a flight. I am more tolerant of discomfort in the air. I don't know if this enhanced closeness to God has anything to do with the fact that I'm in the clouds.
Was born with wings but now they're broken.
Isaiah 40: 3
...they shall mount up with wings like eagles...
When it rains just as I step out of the house, I think all about my inconvenience and how it must always rain on my parade. I get frustrated. It does not occus that everyone else , under this same piece of the stormy sky is also inconvenienced.
Life cannot be rich when it's all about self. I introspectively examine my failures and focus so much I forget that the earth is still rotating on the same axis and that Jesus is still coming back.
I realized everytime I board a plane headed to somewhere, I somehow never fail to get surprised when the plane lands in another destination. I never fail to marvel that a single tubular vessel can defy gravity and take me away from home. But I was born to travel, to find romance roaming alone through streets with the Lord. In my apparent solitude, I feel peace and appreciate His sweet company. I can afford to get lost. Unlike life now.
I am always in a hurry to go somewhere but am always a crying mess when I have to say goodbye at the airport. Isn't it so strange that I'm fiercely independent and yet my heart clings to so much at home.
I have my best moments on the plane. I watch all the movies I don't get to watch and because I can't work, I am 'forced' to make myself comfortable (no matter how cramped the seat is) , recreate and talk to God. Many of the times I hear His whisper most clearly, it is on a flight. I am more tolerant of discomfort in the air. I don't know if this enhanced closeness to God has anything to do with the fact that I'm in the clouds.
Was born with wings but now they're broken.
Isaiah 40: 3
...they shall mount up with wings like eagles...
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