Pregnancy thoughts and feelings

I was feeling so low after the massive pukes despite being in second trimester. It was SUPPOSED to abate but no, it surged back with a vengeance to announce that I'm really really pregnant. 

I know I have to see it as a good thing because this means my hormone levels are like spectacular and baby is growing well but the puking got to me at some point and I got quite depressed.

Today however, despite the puking was marvellous. Cali came to my house. I was supposed to meet her outside coz God knows how badly I need to feel normal but I was hovering around the toilet bowl so much, she brought duck rice to my door step!

The rest of the afternoon passed with us chatting and me puking intermittently. It was one of those few days which where the nausea is not relegated to evenings but the whole day.

I had to stop talking and just lie down or jump up and rush to the toilet to throw myself up blue.

At some point, Cali started to help me fold clothes, sort out  my laundry and even pack my table. It's such a chore and I felt so bad for her doing this for me. My maid had been on leave during the worst of times and now one of my best friends is really doing the work instead! I felt so so so bad but grateful. 

Seriously, I have the best friends or what? They come when I'm at my ugliest, grossest, with nothing to offer and give and give. I am so grateful.

So yes, there are setbacks on many fronts and I'm like a permanent fixture in front of toilet bowl but there's still cheer and stuff to be grateful about. :,) Praise the Lord!

Note to baby: you're too blessed!!

Violent puking and sleepless night

I am miserable. Lying down now but I still have urges to retch up a storm. 

Dear baby, I really hope you love me and will arrive like an angel straight from heaven. Because I have endured a good deal while gestating you. 

Counting down to December

Lost count of the number of times in the last few months I puked bile.

Yesterday was a good day until my nose detected the odours of lotus seed paste and I threw up a storm complete with bile, muscle spasms and a splitting headache that followed. 

Sleep has been fraught with panic attacks brought upon by various stressors and I'm finally getting the crazy urge to pee.non.stop. Think the uterus is finally tilting towards the bladder.

I also get some numbness in my legs every few hours when I sleep and am really surprised because this is supposed to be a third trimester symptom. 

Nobody said it was easy. 

I just didn't realize what a ride I was really in for!! Now I don't even remember pre-pregnancy freedom and energy levels and mobility. 

But I'm thankful baby is healthy and that's what really really matters now. Keep growing well and remember to smile at the camera tomorrow so I can see you clearly! 

Metamorphosis

I hates dragon fruit. I bought three earlier and wolfed it down.

I pretty much am a noodles person now. I used to be all rice and pasta. 

Just two examples out of too many changes. 

By December, I might not know who I am anymore. 

Return of the nausea monster

Nausea has returned like a violent and ferocious tornado after seemingly tapering off. I've had violent pukes, muscle spasms and even had to shampoo my hair and flush my nose to get rid of all residual smell.

Not very nice picture but a realistic account of the less favorable side of pregnancy. Not everyone can look like Kate Middleton and there are some who just puke way after the supposed taper-off period.

I know I shouldn't complain about this common affliction. But I do need to log this down to prevent myself from considering a second pregnancy without mental preparation. (And to remind my child the sacrifices I had to make) 

I'm looking forward to respite and reprieve when this ends. 

I am weak from hardly having any food today and need to relive days in a seemingly distant future when I had energy and life wasn't about sprinting fr bed to toilet and hovering around toilet for most part of the day. 

Almost

I nearly celebrated my first non-puke day but I had one major violent one just 15 minutes ago.

Skirmishes also with the in-laws that make me want to spew fire.

I am close.

Forgive me God because I have sinned.

When you harbor anger, hate, you harbor murder in your heart. I need to forgive, let go and set THIS captive free.

week 10 report

Today was a tough day.

My enemies came out in full force and I was in a tough situation that threatened so much at stake at work.

However, I was really pleased and nothing could rob the joy of hearing the heartbeat of the little one. I thought it sounded like people hurling which is seems like the current soundtrack of my life on repeat mode.

The scan was accidental coz I was back at the doctor's with some stomach cramps and only 4 hours of sleep, a cold and really bad nausea. I hadn't kept food down in 24 hours and I was plain miserable. Doctor wanted to check if baby was ok and hence, the scan. I am still on vaginal scope because my womb has not tilted (I was born with a retroverted womb) and doctor had to press down on my tummy to see hardly anything.

God has given me a lot of promises of late and encouraging revelations to comfort and encourage during these hard times.

They include Exodus..verses like "and Rachel conceived" in my email header and beautiful scriptures from Mark whereby Jesus knew all this time his betrayal took place at night. In my own walk, before the tsunami came at me, friends have been reminding me that the battle belongs to the Lord and He gave me a verse that kept repeating in my mind over and over before I was blindsided (again).

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze" Isaiah 43: 2

How apt. How lovely.

Praise the Lord.

The journey

Puking everyday and getting dead exhausted doesn't make me a mother.
Changing your diapers in future will not make me your mother.
I will be your mother when I want to die for you not because of you.
I am your mother when i never stop believing in you
I am your mother when no matter what, I never stop loving you
I am your mother when you are greater than the sum of everything I have to go through to arrive at your fulfilment and success.

So now, the puking, the physical suffering, they're just ground work on the way to becoming a mother. Not real motherhood.

Puking for 4 weeks of my life

What's happening thus far:

So far my puking has reduced drastically. Some days, it's only at night while some days, I get by without a single epic puke fest.

On the other hand, I've gotten so fatigued and been struck with a few episodes of migraine I couldn't even bear the light on my mobile. Those are worse than nausea in my opinion because they last for long stretches and cannot be alleviated at all by anything. I just have to stay in a cold dark room and fight it out. I end up crying most of the time because it is so debilitating. I read somewhere that it might be due to low blood or blood sugar and some of my friends had these during their pregnancy so...it's just one of the things I have to rough out.

Apart from that, I have also gone into total hibernation mode. I do eat and manage some food now, judging from my expanding waistline. I cannot tell if it's the baby or just fat/flatulence because it's sharp and very firm. I hate to think its fat but really, I keep reminding myself, that my priority is for a healthy baby.

I sleep A LOT! My record was 18 hours a day whereby I wake up only for food and the toilet.

I don't know how and why my body can expand so much energy and I feel like I ran a marathon everyday. I know I'm making a human being but not many I know sleep like that. I find it impossible to wake up and when I do, my head is spinning like a disco ball out of control.

I know I talked about savouring and enjoying the process but I still want to accelerate into the second trimester when things are supposed to be dandier and my concerns are what to wear...

Some days, the physical toil is so much I have to bawl a little to let steam out.

Now, this very moment, I'm feeling gastricky and waves of nausea again. When that happens, a dizzy episode usually ensues.

Signing out.

Forgetting in the midst of pain

The symptoms intensified and so thus the suffering.

So instead of nausea, I've graduated to migraines and had a mini breakdown. Thankfully, it is more tolerable now because prior to that, I couldn't even take the light of the mobile phone without feeling absolutely tortured.

I have turned this whole pregnancy into a slew of countdowns to perceived/expected dates when suffering can be over. Despite the fact that I undeniably still look forward to my child's birth, I have decided to miss the good parts of the pregnancy and let the symptoms overwhelm and dominate my entire mind, lapsing into a mini pre-natal depression state.

Yes, the symptoms are hard to bear but on the bright side, they are indicative of progress and growth. Yes, some other women have it like a breeze but if I compared on, I would never be happy. On top of all these, I am part of a supernatural process- making a whole human being from scratch.

Like my friend advised, these symptoms might or might not alleviate and hormones, until they taper off or until my body gets used to their onslaught is unlikely to happen soon. Therefore, while it is normal to get down and need plenty of rest, I need an arsenal of happy strategies to win this game against depression.

As weird as this sounds, I need to find a way to savour the process and find happy milestones and happy things to keep my mind occupied and healthy.

In other news, my hcg increase wasn't ideal today. But thanks to the headache, I soon stopped worrying while I curled up in pain. At some point, I was using object to hit my head to relieve me of the inner pain.

Dr sounded a bit worried but all will be out during a scan 7 days from now. Then, I'll be at week 9 and there must be a heartbeat by then. I'm apprehensive but hoping for the best.

I am going to try to spare myself the emotional roller coaster that tends to strike during tense periods of waiting and exhaust every effort to fight the negative emotions. It is easier said than done and I don't have a strong track record of winning this but I need some strategies to kickstart this.

Catching up on TV that I don't get to watch while working helps and maybe that's a faint first step I'll take.

Then, now that I nap better, I'm going to attempt more of that too.

So there, trying to be strong. Baby, be strong too.

MILESTONE-week 8

I'm finally at week 8!

Praise the Lord. While the morning/night and day sickness is alleviating, I am still getting hot flushes and dizzy spells from the hormone pills. TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I have a swollen toe now because I semi sprained/snubbed it and didn't realise until the pain was unbearable.

I'm so excited and I cannot wait till week 9 ultrasound.

Please baby, please show the world your heartbeat. To let me know I didn't suffer in vain.

To make it more exciting, I absolutely love the char bee noon from Gleneagles cafe. It's crazy but amongst the few things I eat,  I love their food, in particular the malay store.

So since I'm eating basically nothing, I'm really looking forward to eat so that this bub can grow grow grow.

My baby update.

It's been 3 weeks since I discovered my pregnancy. 21 days exactly. 

I've been at risk of dehydration only too many times and the sweltering heat doesn't help. The house is a heated sauna and even air conditioning provides little respite. I perspire profusely and then go clammy and go dizzy. It's crazy and I'm trying not to catch a cold while I go from very hot to very cold within seconds and try not to dehydrate. It's a delicate balance. 

I try not to worry but I'm plagued by nightmares. I also suffer from terrible moods. Not moodswings because I'm hardly rested or happy when circumstances are overwhelming and I feel utterly useless. 

Everyday I'm thankful it's once more day. 

Everyday. 

Praise God. 

Exodus 23.26

For none shall miscarry or be barren in your land; I'll fulfill all your days. 

Only 226 days or 226+7 days to go. Gynae isn't sure of exact due date but I'm already counting down to the day I see my healthy child face to face. 

Harrowing night

Yesterday I came down with diarrhoea. Coupled with the constant puking, I strangely thought checking myself into hospital was a good idea but that was a whole nightmare altogether.

When I reached, I was attended to rather quickly for the first time in the ER and their first priority was to hydrate me. theyy tried to stop the nausea by giving me a drug I was allergic to.

To cut the long story shut, I ended up convulsing, not being able to move my muscles voluntarily, needing help even to urinate and not seeing even though my eyes were wide open. I was close to death I thought but somehow I knew it was just an ordeal and it'd pass. While it happened, they were slow to react and didn't explain to me what was happening. I was just trapped in my own body unable to say anything.

Ended up staying the night at the hospital and even right now, some 24 hours later, I'm still reeling from some PTSD at the thought of it all.

I would have left behind so many regrets. Now I just pray this quickly ends and my baby will be ok.

Pregnancy journals-#1

Ironically, it's the night sickness that really calms me down because they let me know that the hormones are still surging and baby is still growing.

I am scared I admit that I will lose this one.

I hung on to verses from exodus citing no miscarriage or barreness. Read it a 1000 x over to myself intermittently between puking sessions and it does get better but I'm still scared.

On another note,I am really thankful for old friends who love me and made the arduous journey down to visit me. Asher was another star surprise delight! I just love this boy so much and wish and dream so much for him. Can't wait to see what God has in store for him and I don't know how to communicate just how precious he is to him. Maybe one day when he encounters God for himself, he'll truly finally know.

My dear quekeroo,

are you snug in me? I just pray you are growing strong and healthily and I can't wait to meet you. I see you in my dreams and visions and I'm so afraid this is all a very beautiful dream.

Can't wait till you're strong and way past your first trimester and then we can go out and share more about ourselves with you.

Can't wait to know that you're safe and with retching as the only indicator out of the way.

I will put up with whatever nausea and retching just to know you are ok. You are so loved by me and daddy.

6 weeks

Life can be a tad more difficult when one body is trying to house two individuals.

After an epic puke-fest which seemed like even last year's christmas dinner was out through the chutes, I am now scavenging the kitchen for some dry crackers. Like the first break of dawn, I feel hunger. I have been repulsed by food since .....baby decided to make its presence known..

Even as I traipse through my own corridor to head to the kitchen, I smell the lingering smell of what reeks of someone frying bacon this deep into the night. It can't be and won't be but my nose hallucinates like a paranoid schizophrenic. It is so fearful of stimuli that might restart the whole gagging merlion act that it has decided to be hypersensitive to save my life.

Dear nose, I appreciate that a lot but life has to go on and this won't go on eternally. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently just 3 more weeks of puking to go, if I'm lucky and I'll be delivered from the monstrosity of a nightmare that plagues me every night like it's time for cinderella to go home.

And...to the one who caused it all.

Dear child,

I can't wait for your arrival already. You have made your presence felt and heard and we love you already. I cannot imagine how much more I can love you than I already do. Given that, please don't take it for granted and insist on being the sweetest soul Mummy has ever seen on this side of God's green earth because you have caused me pain. Also, just be your cutest ever and you know I'll forget this ....tonight's atrocities ever happened.

Love,
Mummy

the aftermath

After the initial shock, it seems like life went right back to normal and I'm fighting some protracted flu-like symptoms.

Workwise, I literally just have to rough it out until DDay.

April fool'S day 2014

I cannot believe what just happened. After everything that has been happening. 

We need to get out.

Sunday nights are the best time to write. I am the most coherent and my mind is usually clear.

Right now, I'm semi dreading tomorrow. I haven't had monday blues in many months now and now, it's three weeks in a row. 

Isaac and I really want to leave singapore. It's weird because many of my friends overseas are really flocking to singapore. I love them to bits and are happy that we are all finally in the same place but the high cost of living and the lack of time because we are all so caught up in the daily grind makes it so hard.

We are already hatching plans and exploring alternatives. Nothing is cast in stone and honestly it would be another good three years or so before anything even remotely takes fruition. I am slightly ashamed to say that I have no strong links to this place I was born in anymore. The feelings of patriotism has diluted over the years as I witness its evolvement into an unfeeling colourful city with so little personality.

Perhaps the DNA of our forefathers are kicking in. Those that prompted them to leave their hometowns in China to seek better pastures. Without those moves of theirs, bold and courageous, we wouldn't be here today. Likewise, things have gotten so difficult and claustrophobic that I sometimes feel like I need to hop onto the next plane and just.get.out.

I marvel at how cheap things are online and how the price disparity is and yet, I run a retail business. Rents are soaring at an unreasonable indigestible rate because of both macro and what I call, greed factors. I can totally understand why only the big survive and how the small ones fall flat without even finishing their first try. It is a merciless city.

Isaac remarked today that both sides of my family are from malaysia while his is of a purer bred singaporean peranakan roots. He thinks it might explain why I'm more tenancious. Our neighbouring country was never known for its chinese-friendly policies and we had to fight tooth and nail for survival. Then, we earn enough money to send our offsprings to faraway lands like australia, UK, US and some, singapore because despite the amount of wealth amassed there over decades, it can disappear in an instant because of policies that are not in favour.

Now, I'm treading really dangerous waters here and I should probably stop.

I have no intention of making this blog famous and have a viewership of more than a handful. 

Bottom line: we need to get out.

Life takes a dive

K, my ex colleague turned friend has been such a pillar of support in my life I am so thankful she's in Sg to walk me through this season. We are 250m away at work and we used to be oceans away. I don't know when and how we grew that close but now, she's offering me her couch and plenty of ice cream and the shoulder to cry on.

I didn't realize I could be so clingy with friends. 

collateral damage

Yet again.


This is my second time being collateral damage in a political office struggle which has led to me first being upset, then thrilled at a sudden avalanche of expensive and seemingly opportune opportunies within the same conglomerate and even with a certain previously way-out-of-my-league corporate adventure.

Then I decided to just stay and yes, serve my new boss. Because that's what I think God wants me to. Because what I started, I want to finish. Because I didn't think that there would be so many coincidences that she was my first boss in beauty and 10 years later, I am right under her nose under her charge. Despite what many has said about her and reputation, I find myself heaving a huge sigh of relief.

But there's still a tussle and although I don't want to choose sides and really just sit and do my work (or in some cases, roll up my sleeves) I seem to be the pawn in this corporate tug of war. I am wholly submitting myself unto God to be my protector, provider and in all circumstances, for His glory to prevail. I am praying for obedience to His will, guidance and discernment. God alone h=knows how badly I need them.

Which is why I am going to say "no" to what was handed on me on a silver platter. The opportunity of what some would call....a few lifetimes. To manage key functions for 7 territories. That was a rather instant promotion but because of the travelling entailed and because of what-I-think-I-heard from God, I am staying put. Even if forces try to get rid of me.

My whole world is turned upside down and I find myself dragging my feet to work for the first time in very long because I dread the politics. I still have very nice colleagues but everyone's on the edge and morale is at an all time low. My world is so upside down but somehow, I feel like I'm at peace and more joyful. Strangely but weirdly. I also indulge more in buying my own make-up than just receiving and feeling obliged to use what might not suit me on my face. I am going back to my beauty favourites instead and re-discovering. Sephora has awarded me golden awards too many times in my respite from depression by drowning in make-up with discounts I am almost embarrassed.

I am also having more breakouts and fatigued skin because of the heightened stress and lack of sleep.
My husband, which used to have to stick to a strict anti-acne regime (prescribed by me) can now go for days without a moisturiser while I find myself using his mattifiers, toners and ANTI-ACNE (horror of horrors!) stuff that I bought to salvage his then skin woes.

The tables have been turned.

But life goes on.