love isaac. i shrek.

got beautiful shrek ears today from macs, courtesy of isaac! it makes me love isaac more. not that i can be bribed...easily.

i guess i'm the kind of girl that if my bf bought me an expensive gift, i'll be like "AIYO WHY WASTE MONEY!?!?" coz im such a scrooge myself.but somehow if its an expensive MEAL, its ok.

dunno why but shrek made my day.i adore shrek and princess fiona. they're above all the fairy tale characters. they have a way of subverting culture and make us look up to ugly things instead of the usual pretty princesses and 'prince charmings'.

**
my mum went on one of her kl trips today. shez the only one i know who can make it to kl and back in the same day , courtesy of SIA. and because she is not staying overnight, she pretty much boards the plane with a handbag. i followed her once in recent years..and it pretty much was check in, board the plane, sit down, buckle, drink something, get down.

then i remember doing what we had to do, ate lunch, walked around, ate, hailed a cab and hailed a plane.

and my mum being the strange insists on sia coz another competitor airline's air is not clean and gives her a headache. i used to scoff at that until the aircon broke down on a flight back from australia last year and i fainted on board, waking up to an oxygen mask over my head and pple fanning me with all their might AND my legs propped up at 45 degrees to get the blood flowing..

and all this while, sia has not failed me once... i've lost count with delayed flights, bad food, bad service, dirty toilets, broken down inflight entertainment and AIRCONDITIONING on q***** .

as the dear pants

Free by Corrine May
it's still the same old story
this great divide
between the want and waste
and all the hunger inside
i heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
i'm just a single voice
what can i do to erase

all this misunderstanding
all this anarchy
six degrees of separation
sometimes it's so hard to see
that we are not alone in this
i need to believe

i can be free
i can be free from this place
beautiful healer
beautiful grace
help me to see
everything fall into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving

break these chains

Elijah felt alone too just because the numbers against God were alot less than those there were for. i feel alone for less noble reasons. discouragement weighs heavy and i don't know why..this haunting weight of inadequacy and that my crazy emotions are privy to me and me only.

i determined to be different from the start but not so different i have to feel so alone. although i did think to myself that even if ever the day comes whereby choosing right means being completely alone, i will. But i didn't expect the test to come in such a way that although choices have been made and things appear to be on the upward swing, the feeling of loneliness is just plain overwhelming.

what i cannot bear is not knowing. because i already have trust issues i need to hear His voice everyday. not that i don't know he is watching but because i just like the comfort of his presence. but these days, i'm back to the days whereby chaos permeated my heart and i can't hear the gentle whisper.there is only one voice i seek and i delve into semi panic mode, aggravating it all.

through it all, there can only be one who can lift me up. but before that, i have to lift my eyes to see Him in the midst of this inner storm. there is a hurricane within me and its throwing everything off balance. the only thing way to see in the darkness is through the eyes of my heart. illumine me..

thinking aloud.

sometimes i just wish everything will go easy and my way for once.i'm so not up to taking up challenges today.i feel like anything can break my spirit and i need to be upheld.i don't know how to pray, my defenses are down and i just want to hole up and cry.

i don't know why i must care abt every single detail and insist they go perfectly. i don't know why i have so many cares and am so neurotic. i don't know why. i'm almost ally mcbeal minus the fact that i'll never be a lawyer and i have more body fat.

can u tell im terribly frustrated with ME?

i just wanto let go but i don't know how. i don't know why im such a kancheong spider. i don't hate life. everyone has problems. i absolutely hate the way i manage it. i let life manage me instead of the other way round...no, wait, i shd let God manage me. i dun wanto manage anything without him and yet i wanto manage another's life.

i have serious trust issues. i cannot trust God when He says he'll do it. i'll wonder endlessly. if i was abraham, i wld've died of anxiety even before isaac came to pass.i'm so resistant towards failure im almost risk averse but i cannot resist when an opportunity comes so i take it still with great fear and trepidation and then entertain doubt on a regular basis.

i just want joy and peace in the abundance as it was promised. i just wanto be free and love, laugh, give freely. i want to be able to enjoy all i've been given and allow others to enjoy .

helpch.

on my lord's shoulders

He hung,
rose
sat
so that
i may
sit
walk
soar


my fountain of delights
to do my Father's business
is the purpose for this life
to take the position
that was forfeited in Eden
redeemed at Calvary
to take back His kingdom's territory
to forego flesh and pride
and be clothed as His bride
with a banner of love
hanging over this earth
taking the path of resistance
against opposition and strife
the narrow way
is the only way to life.

i will abide.

taunted

i get scared more often than i'd like to admit. i'm more gideon/moses (the stammering one, not prince of egypt) than david /joshua.

the only solace i have is that i always have someone to hold my hand and guide me. someone i can trust 200% although my faith levels often dip to sub zero levels.

these days i find myself assuaged with doubts and unbelief despite the many amazing developments. i wonder whether i'm on the right track coz its so impt for me to be right. i wonder abt the huge risk and countless ''what ifs''.

but today, knowing that i face these insecurities, a sweet lady of God texted me and told me that if i keep focusing on the 'what ifs' now, i'll only end up with regret at the end of the day with the '' if onlys''.

and suddenly my perspective is straightened again. to His.

and someone else says it better!

a quote from one of my own list of most respected people-Charles Colson in his book, "the good life"

"The myth of personal autonomy- of "my point of view, right or wrong," or " my happiness, right or wrong" --is a mere counterfeit of what you and I really want. It substitutes an illusion of self sufficiency for the sustaining reality of nurturing relationships within a community. The good life? We do not experience it in the loneliness of today's fads of self-expression and self-gratification. The good life is found only in loving relationships and community.

But even this, important as it is, doesn't get us to the good life. There's more to it, a matter of the heart, as we see in the life of someone who could be any of us.

"You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature... Therefore, whenever we have the oppotunity, we should do good to everyone"

Galations 6:7-8,10, NLT

Charles Colson again..

" The good life is made possible when we expose some of the lies of our modern culture-the belief that money and things give us happiness, the seductive notion that we can design our own lives and enjoy unrestrained autonomy. Even when we relize that it is dignity, not riches, that constitutes the good life, when we have our family and community life together and are usefully engaged, we can still find our lives incomplete. Somethng more is needed, something that shakes us out of the comfortable routine of life- a moment of awakening when we question what gives us significance."

**the above is like an answer from heaven. i actually read this after i typed the previous blog. God is so coool.

almost jacob

the air is so still tonight it's almost suffocating.

there's been so much i want to blog about but haven't found the words/time. i'm still in the 'between the dreaming and the coming true' phase and the Lord has been pretty consistent in confirming and giving me the same word at almost every turn. my emotions are 'rojaked' and i run the whole range : from excitement to fear as i step into the unknown, when the only certainty is really, come what may, He'll be there.

i cannot be so bold to say that i won't fail or there won't be hiccups but i realise that i need to come to a place whereby i cannot fear anything, including failure. even when much is at stake. coz that hinders me from progress and thats death in itself. when i'm so paralyzed with fear i can't even as much as inch forward towards the goal that is so hazy and vague, i'm as good as gone.

so i'm moving foward. slowly but surely. the destination might seem hazy. the road ahead fogged. thank God for light for the step i'm on. i'm going..with the light in me, i'm going to fight all the fear that opposes me and march ahead. life is too short for me to not try, to spend time paralyzed in fear, to not live my dreams. that aside, i also run the risk of letting the little venture on my own define me, my walk, and distract me from chasing God. sometimes i get so carried away with planning and research it seems my prayer life is centered around these things when the innermost of my being cries out for simple plain sweet fellowship with Love itself.

lately, i've been so introspective some might say its bordering on unhealthy.(but i don't think so leh)i'm questioning what i want to achieve in this life so much i'm surprised at my own answers. i realise what i fear most is simply a life without significance. (not lack not cockroaches/butterflies)i want to be significant not in the sense of being in the limelight nor to find worth in the things i do. its hard to explain but i need to find significance in the things i've set my mind to do. because i'm significant to Him and him. i want to do this and this right and to build lasting monuments in life that will leave a good legacy behind for Him and those who come after me. i want to spend my life doing things that are well...worthy.(for the lack of a better word)

now that i've recognized what i truly want, and not what the world advocates i should have in order to be happy, the tough call now is to march against the strong torrent of this culture. i'm tempted to envy when i see the apparent abundance of material goods in another's life until i hear the gentle whisper "Be careful to guard yourselves from every kind of greed. Life is not about having alot of material possessions". (Luke 12.15) then i stop and i realise i can never be fulfilled until i live my call and have what He wants for me and now the prescription of the world.

its strange how i've seen the world toy with the hearts of many and entrap them into the premise that its with great wealth will they find great happiness only to leave them high dry and later on send them 'crash landing ' when they're there. i think its the realization of the futility of their investment of time and various other sacrifices that break these souls. and its harder than i can imagine to struggle against the spirit of the world.

my last sunday working.

went to Sloane hotel for dinner today with my family. its the quaintest place and it totally doesn't feel like i'm in singapore at all.

will upload pics much later but the highlight is, it was reported in the papers that the site is worth about 55 mil.

so while we were supposed to reverse out, i unwittingly engaged the 'D' gear and ran straight into the 40 year old hotel, prompting my brother to scream, "wah, 55 million nearly gone because of jiejie"

**
then at home, while trying to park, the neighbour who was actually washing the car with his brother backed into the corner and froze in shock as he watched me (try to) park the car. they refused to come out of hiding until i safely got out and locked the car.

**

all that aside, my tear ducts are actually very overworked because of a whole host of reasons. i suddenly abhor so manythings that i used to permissively approve and because of the stand i take now, i'm setting the stage for a lot of 'showdowns'. the refusal to compromise sets me against 'goliaths' bigger than i can imagine. and i'm not sure if i'm half a david.

but God will still be God so i'll wait and see. suddenly , overnight i find myself standing against alot of opposition and unfortunately, apart from isaac and Jesus, i see no one else on my side. it feels terribly alone but i've made of my mind. alot of pple will probably balk at the change and sometimes i almost feel like turning back and just crawling back into my oblivion and console myself with the lousy thought that 'alone, i can't make much of a change anyway ' and just enjoy my material blessings but i can't turn a blind eye.

**
i used to think i'll try to make it 'big' and take my family and kids on expensive holidays to disneyland etc. disneyland was my favorite (and still is) and i just want to bring my kids there every year.

today, i realised that my first and foremost duty as a mother is to endeavor to replicate the spiritual DNA of Jesus in them and i realised that until they realise there is a sin filled suffering world out there in desperate need of help and Jesus, i haven't fulfilled anything in life. for someone that is ultra particular about sanitation and hygeine, i have been pretty stirred to go beyond the first world geographical boundaries into the third just to share some love and shed some light.

while my kids bask in the blessings that people in the first world so freely taken for granted, i want to open their eyes and hearts to see what is beyond this world, to see the heaven and the hell. to experience the heaven and give them a desire to drive heaven into hell and continue what Jesus set out more than 2000 years ago to do- set the captives free.

i don't know how to do that if it doesn't begin with me and isaac. God help us, along with all our weaknesses and infirmities, we just want to make a difference and redeem the culture and show the world Jesus lives.

between the dreaming and the coming true

in a nutshell:

1) tras street
2) driving license
3)benny hinn meeting
4)shared umbrella with a girl who i later realised was a persecuted christian in nth vietnam
5)freedom
6)pursuit of a dream
7)pursued by a God.

the cross is not where i pass through to heaven, its where i dwell , my source of life.

today i learnt about a 4 year old girl who despite her age, with her finesse and fortitude puts me to utter shame.

at 3, she was discovered to have leaukaemia and was prescribed painful chemo sessions which caused her hair to drop and endless pain. Traumatic enough for any adult, she took it well in her stride and claims its no big deal to have cancer. Her spirit was informidable and strong.

She went around in her baldness and when asked why she didn't wear her hat to hide her baldness, she replied indignantly showcasing her finest strength in that moment like this.."so what?i'm still beautiful"

and she won my heart. and respect.

**
and lately the Lord has been showing me about the importance of knowing who i am. knowing so will make me stand firm, on solid ground and be immovable even when all around me circumstances are like shifting sand.

Jesus' identity was often challenged and the devil taunted mercilessly to get him to prove that he is truly the Son of God. from the 40 days in the wilderness all the way to the cross, there were numeral instances of him being taunted to prove that he is the son of God. indeed he suffered utter humiliation on the cross where as he hung crucified, God didn't show up in a mighty way to deliver his son. his son had to endure not just physical pain but mental agony as those he is giving his life for spit on him with scorn and pride, scoffing at the most High. thank God he endured. for then i can be reconciled with my Father. and praise God because the endorsement from Heaven eventually came when He rose from the grave, 3 days later having conquered hell and satan.

even more so, today, the same creep relentlessly taunts me by trying to cast doubt in my head of my identity. not that i don't know that i'm saved by grace and heaven is my destination but i was behaving more as a slave than a child of God. when the pressure caves in for me to choose, will i choose His way , their way or mine.

while i knew my heritage, i didn't know my inheritance. its almost if the inheritance died out when it reached me and the heritage is a shameful foregone past. but its not! i have an amazing heritage having descended from Him and to be called His child and my inheritance..well the bible says i'm a joint heir with Christ and that has to be alot!

everytime i call upon the name of Jesus, whether in praise or as a cry of help in distress, all heaven stands at attention. i wear royal robes as an indication of my identity in Him and my standing in His sight. i'm well loved and is the apple of God's eye...because in this i know so because God sent His son to die for me.

God had to remind me all that so that when the world challenges me to compromise the things that define me on the inside and corrupt the nature of Christ deep within me, I can firmly say no. I can refuse my flesh and embrace my spirit when the flesh rises up. when doubt and fear assuages me, I can run to my Jesus knowing there is a refuge for me. when the standards of the world dip alarmingly, i can rise above.

if there's nothing i can cling on to in this world, let me never lose my identity. coz its the one thing that will lead me home.

hope deferred.

today is one day i came so close to bursting into tears many many times throughout the day. i don't know which was more difficult- holding back the floodgates when the torrent of tears were welling up or fighting the hopelessness caused by the situation.

everything seems to be sliding down into a dark dark abyss and i feel utterly depleted of strength when it comes into fighting the battle against hopelessness.

if hope deferred makes the heart sick, i'm there now. i feel so sick right down in my spirit and i don't know how to climb out. and its so difficult trying to be still and wait ...and let him be God when everything inside me is rebelling against that. but nonetheless i have no choice, coz i'm truly utterly powerless this time round. the circumstances are too big for me and i can only rejoice that they're not too big for God.

pamper me plea

and lately all i've been thinking about is stuffing myself with congee and sweet prawn sashimi. then i fantasized about going to Sakura for a buffet. so i need annabelle to come back and i'm not even sure if adelene is in the middle kingdom and i dunno if mei ling is ever gg to be free.

its been challenging

been quite down lately due to work and i found all my prayers centered around work. i hoped against hope that things will go 'my way' and clung on to 'hope will not disappoint'.

until i realised that i wassn't going to God for God (again) and my hope was placed in the changing of my circumstances in only one specific way. it wassn't an open betterment to other things that God might want to bring about but my own limited perspective of what was good.

and because i was gently nudged by Him to be open to other things without being informed specifically what its about...i sunk into a state of hopelessness coz i immediately assumed the worse. and because i could no longer place my hope in that one scenario that i can fantasize about in my head , i now had nothing to grasp to except my loving but invisible God who is ever full of surprises and ...

yah i got very upset.

i like to be told in advance. i like to know what to expect. i'm not big on surprises. i'd rather be sure even if it means there's no room in my heart for faith.

but fortunately or unfortunately, He managed to break that part of me and here i am, hoping against hope, for i don't know what except that my God is bigger than my circumstances and will surely come through for me.

a matter of perspective

refer to the post about ''the way we mend''

"In december 1914, a great sweeping fire destroyed Thomas Edison's laboratories in West Orange, New Jersey wiping out two million dollars' worth of equipment and the record of much of his life's work.

Edison's son Charles ran about frantically trying to find his father. Finally he came upon him, standing near the fire, his face ruddy in the glow, his white hair blown by the winder winds. "my heart ached for him," Charles Edison said. "He was no longer young, and everything was being destroyed. He spotted me. "where's your mother?" he shouted. "find her. bring her here. she'll never see anothing like this again as long as she lives"

The next morning, walking about the charred embers of so many of his hopes and dreams, the 67 year old Edison said, "There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew"

who would've thought?

on hindsight,

who would have thought ...
that i'd be in the line that i'm in today, given that i have a history degree
that we'll still be friends since we're different in every other way(and this applies to almost all my friends)
that isaac and i are still together
that isaac and i got together (another example of polar opposites)
that i'd ever drink coffee when i used to claim starbucks had a nauseating stench
that i'd ever leave the church that i grew up in
that i'd ever be able to wake up early when i used to sleep 20 hours a day and my nickname was 'comatosed'
that i would 'turn the other cheek' when i used to be the bully
that we would no longer be in touch when we used to be so close
that we would reconcile when every word we ever exchanged was dripping with venom
that i'm capable of loving anyone other than myself
that i still hate butterflies but come to love dogs
that i've successfully weaned myself of pokka green tea
that i'd declare hazeline snow as the best moisturizer when i didn't spend less than $30 on skincare
that i'd ever sleep without airconditioning
that i'd ever forget since i always remembered
that i'd ever remember since i'd forgotten
that i'd talk so much when they used to think i was autistic in kindergarten
that i'd have such a huge appetite when i used to take 3 hours running round the house to escape eating lunch in my high chair.
that i'd finish university when my mum had doubts of me completing secondary school
and...

that i'd ever ever exercise

Prodigal

sometimes after having suffered a little while and translated into a realm of blessing, i find myself being even more afraid than ever before to lose that blessing. its the post trauma syndrome whereby i'm so afraid to return to the state where i did't have.

so i find myself at the throne of God more often than usual, speaking in tongues with greater frequency throughout the day, all the while ignoring the person sitting on the throne and allowing myself to sound just like a noisy cymbal to lay a stronger claim on those blessings. i don't have absolute confidence to say that these 'blessings' are NOT transient/elusive but the fact that i fear their absence says alot about my spiritual depravation.

and that's what God wants to address this season for me at least. that i should be consumed by our relationship. its plain insulting to seek His audience just for blessings alone. I was forsaking my first love and these blessings have since exalted themselves against the throne of God in my lives. they've become my idols.

The apostle paul learnt how to abound and to be abased. that is a duality i feel i never truly grasped. i'm so afraid to go without that which my flesh desires as if that is truly the most important thing when Jesus only exhorted us to rejoice simply because our names are written in heaven. indeed, the greatest enemy of best is good.

i was seeking the good instead of the best. i'm ashamed but not afraid to admit that unlike my other christian siblings who could sacrifice it all just out of plain love for God, my heart is miserably small in comparison. i did not have the love of God. i was at the throne day and night but came to the harsh realization that i was not truly abiding.

i remember myself, my interests, my needs as if God didn't already know. i had an orphan spirit that had to be exorcised. yet i had a Father, a bridegroom who sacrificed it all. the thought of Him sacrificing it all so that i can be reconciled to the father and gain instant audience and yet i've abused it as a wishlist dispenser cuts through the heart like no other pain.i was prioritizing suffering avoidance and i was allowing this fear to be my God..to direct my will instead of God himself.

its an insipid thing that has crept in to my being. i shdn't be rememebring how much it will cost me but how much it has cost HIM. as i've been freely given, i ought to freely give and yet here i am...i used to think i can't live without the blessings. that might not be entirely untrue but today i'm confronted painfully that there is no way i can live without the blessor. i can't function or just go ahead blindly without one word from Him and just to hear that familiar whisper in my spirit melts everything i've allowed to harden in me, including my heart.the ridiculous thing is that its not like i even suffered a lot or ever had to go without!

i used to advocate so many years ago that even if Jesus no longer dispenses blessings, by virtue of the fact that he gave me eternal salvation and paid that painful price on the cross, it is more than enough. as i examine my heart today, i've deviated way too far.

but i thank God today that no child is too far out of the reach of His loving arms. and even as my heart finds its way home to where it truly belongs and find acceptance, i know the angels in heaven are doing a little dance. i might not be the typical 'prodigal son' but i just want Him to know..i'm back home.


The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valleyIf You want me to

Ginny Owens
If you want me to

coward

i'm such a coward i don't even dare to trust the God who loves me with my life. i didn't dare to surrender my will and when i did, i kept questioning His.

mistaken

on the way home from church today, in a cab

cab driver: wah i really like to go church on sunday, the big one at expo
me (eyes lighting up): you're christian too!
cab driver: no..go church and pick up passengers.
me: ...

**
some people might think i lost my mind. well, i thank God i haven't lost heart.and i don't know how to break the news that they are losing their souls.

**

recently colleague remarked that i look like a chinese national (ie. mainland), the other remarked that i look thai.prior to that, i thought aloud that the one who insisted i'm thai looked uncannily like doctor evil (austin powers).


**

today chicken rice uncle was taken aback when i reduced my usual order from $3 to $2. i insisted that i had little appetite. fast forward to 4pm on same day..i found myself sneaking out of the office to buy a value meal from burger king.

**
yesterday, i had to climb 3 storeys up a unconserved pre war building in geylang with heavy bags of documents in geylang. i was not very happy.

**
after meeting with a restauranteur who was famed for his dim sum, he offered to give me paus and other dim sums . a whole box of them..

me(calling boyfriend excitedly): he gave me pau !! he gave me pau!!!
boyfriend: why were you begging?!!?

caving in

today it as made clear to me that i shd not give up..and i need to develop a spirit of perserverance. that even if mountains lay in the way to my promised land, i'd overcome..speak to it, jump over it whatever...that it has to be done.

i don't know why i'm often overcome by impulses to run away from the life that has defined me here. i don't know why i have strong urges every now and then to drop everything and escape..and its not even when the going gets tough.sometimes, i just need to be free from the life and the routines that have become so rigid over the years, stick my head out above them all and breatheee.

when i'm somewhere where nobody knows me and nothing is expected of me, that can be done. suddenly i'm chatty and cheery again while otherwise, the fast paced city life has reduced me to a machine of sorts. sometimes, when i hang up the phone or tell my receptionist to screen my calls while i try to finish report or just get through the emails, i realise that i can live in absolute silence for like 2-3 hrs straight. without talking to anyone. its pure solitude and i just carry on mechanically...unwittingly allowing life to sap right out of me.

then i find myself depleted of any form of interpersonal skills coz i just can't botther to communicate and interact. i wanto crawl into a cave and retreat into oblivion but i'm not even entitled to that respite.

but when i take a break away from being me, i realise i'm capable of more than a conversation. i not just engage people but i guffaw with joy and smile to myself...relishing the pure joy and peace that moment brings. savouring the experiences of sight and sound as the world whizzes by.

but now i'm tasked to 'overcome' and go on inspite of, without that breather that gives me life, without that fuel that spurs me on. and thats what rattles my heart.

by an unnamed, struggling 17 year old

what do you think?
i didn't even understand it at first....and i don't even think i've wrung the true meaning of this emotion drenched poem

Lingering, the personification of fulfilment
unwound from the rancid tormentment within
vehemently accepting these sinful natures of youth
rueing the sleeping clock-turns foregone
onimous, beckoning, the cupid's rejoice
crestfallen, forlorn, the devil's cry
kin, alike, drove silent to the minds of oblivion
sacred, true, lives started anew.